Dr. Adam and the Women

My friend Josh wants me to try speed dating with him.

My response?

“Ugh. Seriously?”

It just doesn’t seem particularly, umm… prudent. (Which, I realize, makes me a prude.)

I’m not all that familiar of speed dating beyond what I’ve seen in the movies. Honestly, how many of you think of speed dating and instantly flash to that scene from 40 Year Old Virgin where the lesbian tries to get Steve Carrell to “tuck it back” and the brunette with the Tara Reid moment was the least dysfunctional? That isn’t to say I wouldn’t date a large breasted woman whose top comes off five minutes after meeting her. I would at least give her a one-date lease with an option to buy. But that’s beside the point. In my wildly psychotic, histrionically paranoid mind, I’m expecting to go to this and meet the cast of Rob Zombie’s House of a Thousand Corpses. Or maybe the circus is in town. I don’t know.

“But how else are we going to meet people?”

He has a point. This is not a singles-friendly city. And contrary to popular feminist dogma, life is not an episode of Sex and the City. Despite the testimony of Carrie 3:16, women don’t hunt down men, and they aren’t looking to fuck everything that walks. Even if that were true, do I really want to spend money on some loose hooker in a bar, just so I can take her back to her shitty apartment and fuck her from behind to the Kanye West songs she insists on playing, while I’m trying not to lose my erection from thinking about what a racist piece of garbage he is and how unbelievably stupid she is, and she’s desperately trying not to vomit from all the jaeger and the pounding? No I do not.

No, I don’t ever want to pick a woman up in a bar. For one thing, I subscribe to the Groucho Marx theory when it comes to dating. I would never join an organization that would have someone like me as a member. Basically I would never date a woman that would go out with me at first sight. I want a girl who thinks she’s too good for me. Then, I would slowly bring her over to the dark side and make her do all sorts of other things she never thought she would do. That’s right ladies, I am the Darth Vader of the Gulf Coast dating scene. Wanna polish my light sabre?

I’m not delusional. I’m creative.

I’m also alone. So maybe I should stop breathing heavy and using “I am your father… you do not know the power of the dark side…” as a line. … Nah. (Admit it, your panties got a little spring shower there.)

People are always telling me I’m too picky. That aggravates the shit out of me, because I’ve always maintained that I don’t ask much as far as my expectations. I’m sorry if I’m not Deuce Bigalow or Tommy Lee. (However, I am Rick James, bitch.) I do have some standards. So here’s a list.

Drugs: Fuck off. I REFUSE to date a woman who does that shit. If she experimented a few times in the past, there’s some wiggle room, but nothing long term, or current. And weed is a drug, regardless of what your older cousin taught you in your grand-daddy’s shed, hippy.

Smoking: It causes cancer. Do what you want, but I don’t particularly like the idea of black fluid filling up my lungs until I choke to death on bile simply because you need to shove a flaming cock in your mouth. That’s why God invented gay porn stars.

Drinking: I’m not entirely rigid. Even I understand the benefits of a woman lubricated and pliable after a little tequila. If you like the sauce a little, I’m okay with it. That being said, I don’t want someone who has to drink to have fun.

Weight: I like a girl with a little meat on her. No one anywhere near as big as me, mind you, but over weight doesn’t really matter if she’s a great girl.

Sense of humor: A must. I hate people that can’t take a fucking joke.

Intelligence: I want to marry a girl who is smarter than me. (Again, not a whole lot to ask.) But I don’t expect a girl I go out with to be a genius.

Tattoos: No more than 3, and nothing that covers entire sections of your body. I don’t need to be translating hieroglyphics on your back while we’re having sex.

Music: No rap. Or at least nothing post- 1993.

Piercings: Belly Button. Cool. Eyebrow. Fine. Nose. No bull rings. Nipples… well… show’em to me and I’ll decide. Vagina, lip, cheek… anywhere else… no way.

Politics: Hillary Clinton supporters need not apply.

I know it seems like a long list, but if you go over it objectionably, you’ll find it’s all reasonable. At the end of the day, I’m just looking for a nice, down to earth girl I can spend time with, laugh with, talk to… diddle…. whatever. And right now, I think I just want to go out on a date. Sex isn’t even a factor. Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t turn anyone away, but I’m honestly just looking to have fun with someone of the opposite sex. Even if there is no second date.

So I’m going speed dating. And I’m not happy about it. But at least I’ll get a good story out of it. But I am NOT tucking it back.

~Adam

Quote of the Day:

“I’m not shooting for a “successful” relationship at this point, I’m just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus.”

-Bye Bye Love (1995)

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11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Chaibaby on January 24, 2008 at 2:31 am

    I think your list of demands is very reasonable!

    I’d even pass! Except that pesky married thing.

    Can’t wait to hear about speed dating — I think it’ll be fun.

    Reply

  2. Posted by geist0 on January 24, 2008 at 3:38 am

    Your definitions of reasonable and fun are very… interesting.

    Well there is the married thing… and the fact that you live on an opposite end of the country.

    But beyond that… you’re aces, doll.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Loree on January 24, 2008 at 5:52 am

    The only problem you’ve got here, hon, is that you need to be about ten years older so you’re approaching your target market. 🙂

    The Carrie 3:16 paragraph goes on the All Time Best list.

    Thanks for the laugh tonight, my friend… much needed.

    Reply

  4. Posted by geist0 on January 24, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    What’s sad is… you’re more or less right about that. It seems like there are still a lot of women around here who are immature in those departments. Sigh…

    Well, I stole the 3:16 line from Stone Cold Steve Austin, but the rest of it was me. I have always maintained that women do themselves a disservice by claiming Carrie Bradshaw as their television representation. Really? Mary Tyler Moore? Other strong, confident women who aren’t raging diseased whores? Not so much.

    Reply

  5. These all seem like sensible paramiters to me! How are you going to date someone who does shit that drives you insane? Ya shouldn’t! It never works. Sounds like you’re saving yourself some time. (Though I’ve been blown clean off your list:p)

    I hope it’s FUN!! I hope you have a great time! I hope you get some ass:D hahahahahahahhaha!

    *LOVES Stone Cold*

    Reply

  6. Posted by geist0 on January 24, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Yeah, I know you’re eliminated, but you get points for funny stories. And bedtimes stories.

    Lets count em up.
    -smoker
    -hippy
    -pierced
    -tats

    The first two are definite, I’m not sure if you’re out of bounds on the last two though. Nose rings are fine. WAIT! WAAAAIITTTT!!!! Hold the phone… you’re not a Hillary supporter are you?? ARGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

    Reply

  7. Posted by niceinohio on January 25, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    Nice list.
    I was going to say: you HAVE to do he speed dating just for the blog fodder!
    ..and we EXPECT an update…with pics of course

    Reply

  8. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO! Not a Hillary supporter:p “Hold the phone…” HAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I only have four tattoos, and believe me, there’s plenty of empty skin- and only one odd piercing, and it’s in my tragus (part of the ear). I really miss my nose ring though.

    Reply

  9. Posted by geist0 on January 25, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Oh thank God! I was worried I would need to stage an intervention.

    I thought the tragus was that little hang-ball thing in the back of your throat. You didn’t pierce that, did you?

    Get your nose pierced. Life is short.

    Reply

  10. Posted by geist0 on January 25, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    No pictures! Speed dating… okay. But i can’t just whip out a camera and tell the girls it’s for my blog.

    Reply

  11. I Have To Be Honest And Say That I Enjoyed Your Post “Dr. Adam and the Women”I Came Across Your Site When I Was Doing A Google Search On “Online Dating” And I Felt That I Should Drop A Note To Let You Know What A Great Site You Have. I Can Not Agree With You 100% Regarding Some Thoughts, But You Got A Good Point Of View Over This Issue.

    Reply

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