Guitars, Cadillacs and Hillbilly Music

Last night I was really excited because I had a ticket to see Miranda Lambert. Some of you have read my thoughts on the woman. It’s fair to say I gush about her. And it would not be an exaggeration to suggest that I would like her to have my babies… 12 of them… living in hand built cabin in the hills of Tennessee… sitting in a rocking chair on the porch with a shotgun wearing overalls while one of the kids is chewing bark and I slap her on the ass screaming “Make me some goddamn pancakes woman!”

Yeah, I’ve given it some thought.

So anyway, after work I got some food and fought through the traffic, cold and rain-slicked streets to the House of Blues down in the Quarter (French Quarter). The ticket said 8, so I want to be there by 7:30 since there is no seating in the HoB and it’s pretty much a free-for-all amongst savages. Unfortunately I hadn’t noticed that the ticket actually says the “doors open at 8pm”. The show doesn’t start until 9:15… for her opening act. Miranda was not scheduled until 10. To make matters worse, it started raining while I was waiting in line.

They let us in at 8. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to get a drink. Alcohol is a funny subject with me. In spite of my relative inexperience with booze, I’m not a lightweight. The one time I have seriously tried to get drunk, I couldn’t even get a buzz. Despite this, I have no taste for licour. So I always get the girly drinks. The first bartender was a real twat who walked right by me and ignored me. The second gave me an amaretto sour and a bottled water. I found a spot just off of the stage on the far left. I intended to nurse the drink for a while, since I had approximately 2 hours until Miranda rocked my cock off. Unfortunately the sour tasted like piss, so I just sucked it down in one gulp.

And then I stood there. Staring at people.

Within a half hour, my legs were killing me. I had no one to talk to, so I was bored. Instead I got a look at the people around me. A lot of old people. Some really hot girls (Country concerts bring hot women in droves, and if for nothing else, that’s a goooooooood reason to show up).

Some inbred couples. There was a really hot girl there with her not- nearly- in- her- league boyfriend, who spent the entire time pretty much getting ready to fuck right there on the floor. At one point he shoved his fingers in the crotch of her jeans. Nothing was moving. He couldn’t possibly have fingered her. I guess he was just bored and said “hey, let me feel your pubes!”

Eventually the lights dimmed and the crowd went nuts. Being the crotchety old man that I am, I felt the need to announce “It ain’t Miranda fuckwits!” But my voice was drowned out by the beer soaked chants of “WOOOOOOOOO!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!” Which may have been for the best.

I didn’t really want to hear her opening act. That’s not who I paid to see. And I would normally have been interested in hearing new music, except I was tired. It was late. My legs hurt from standing in place for an hour and a half. So I was pissy. But I figured, hell, at least it would pass the time.

My friend Chris once said that the rule of country is that there’s hat guys and… err… not a hat guys. Mark Adam Miller came out in a long sleeve t-shirt covered with a short sleeve skater punk t-shirt. He was clearly a… not a hat guy.

And he says hello, then he starts to play. And… he was good. His voice sounded a bit like George Thorogood. (Bad to the Bone). The thing was, he wasn’t country at all. Not a trace. He would be very at home opening for John Mayer or The Plain White T’s… but Miranda Lambert? Not so much. After the first two songs, the subsequent ones were much more Country… but he wasn’t. And in between each song he would announce to the crowd how “I’m a big ol redneck.” Which was weird. Because he wasn’t saying it casually. He was trying to convince us. It would be like me walking up to a bunch of G Dawgs and saying “How y’all doin? I see y’all are a bunch of gangstas. Guess what? I’m a gangsta too!!!” Very odd. And then occasionally during his songs he would throw in “AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” I cannot fully explain to you what that sound is in words. Suffice it to say that the sound is normally used by cajuns. Bayou people. Of which there are very few in the central New Orleans area. And clearly this man was not one of them. So being the snobby elitist prick that I am, I was getting really aggravated with this guy’s bull shit.

Finally he got off stage at 9:45. By this time I was thoroughly annoyed. Just ready to leave.

Unfortunately, by 10:08, I realized Miranda was running late.

My thoughts were as follows:

What the FUCK???? I spent forty dollars, had to stand here for two and a half hours, drink a really shitty amaretto sour, watch romeo play with juliet’s rug, then listen to Avril Lavigne’s boyfriend try to establish street cred, and this bitch can’t show up on time??? FUCK THIS, FUCK HER AND FUCK THE HOUSE OF BLUES. Never again. My legs feel like I’ve been in Boston Marathon hopping on one leg. Nobody is worth this! Bitch get your ASS out here or I swear to god I am going back stage to reenact Deliverance!

And then the lights came up. And she walked out. And my thoughts were as follows:

you’re prrrretttttttttttttyyy. you look like an angel… but with jeans and no bra. i love you. will you marry me?

Yeah, I shut my mouth pretty quickly. I have talked about how hot I thinks she is. I thought she was at least a 9. But we’re past that now. To be another cheap hack ripping off Spinal Tap, “this one goes up to eleven.” I am a twenty eight year old man, and I stand here telling you that I am about as in love as you can be with someone you’ve never actually met. She isn’t just beautiful, she’s luminous.


And good God can she perform! I saw her…. fiance`… Blake Shelton a few days back. He was good. Sounded awesome. But she is soooooooo much better on stage than he is. Blake Shelton is a good ol boy with a guitar trying to show people a good time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I dig that. But Miranda is a Rockstar. I was with her for every moment, regardless of whether I knew the song or not. I swayed when she swayed. I rocked when she rocked. It flet like she was singing just for me. And there were times when she looked right at me.

Dead in my eyes. And I melted.

And she didn’t do just one thing.

She played slow and intimate.

She rocked the dingiest grunge fan and never left her Country family.

She screamed angry, sexy fem rock.

She sat in with us to let us know she was there.

She broke out hearts.

And shook her butt.

And you didn’t want it to end.

When it was done, I was satisfied, but still hungry. The thing is, after seeing a really great Country musician… I am overwhelmed with emotions. I want to fall in love, and drive to Nashville and have kids and make it as a singer. I want to fight and make love. I want to change the world.

And she was great.

I’m still feeling it.

~Adam

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11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Loree on February 2, 2008 at 6:51 am

    I’m tired of saying
    I love this.

    This was okay, Adam.

    However, I ADORE that you were paying enough attention to know his hand didn’t move.

    And I want to go listen to country music now.
    And have babies.
    And change the world.
    And slug someone in the nose.
    And fall in love.

    It was okay.

    Reply

  2. LOl. Good pics. Funny story.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Jon on February 2, 2008 at 9:59 am

    Hello,

    I’m just another guy like you who is madly in love with Miranda, and I ran across your blog here while surfing the net… and I have a question.

    Please don’t tell me she and … that Shelton guy… are engaged now? I know they’ve been dating for quite awhile, but I had heard anything about an engagement… say it ain’t so!

    Reply

  4. Posted by Chaibaby on February 2, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    Cool write, Adam! I saw her open for Keith Urban a couple of years ago, and she ws really good, all attitude. And gorgeous! You have good taste!

    Reply

  5. Posted by geist0 on February 2, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    Loree~

    I do not tire of hearing it. Makes up for me being fat.

    Well, my attention is going to naturally divert to the two people in the room most likely to make a home movie involving avacado dip and edible undies. Plus she had huge sweater puppets, so I had no choice but to look.

    I can help you with some of those desires!
    -You can find Country music on my myspace blog!
    -Listening to Country music does in fact change the world!
    -I don’t know about the nose, but reading my blog strikes a blow for justice!
    -Can’t help with the love thing, but I’ll work on that.
    – as for the babies…. ah hell, Oregon is only a 28 hour drive *slides into his southern drawl like he was Matthew McConaghey* Just let Daddy get his Love-Makin Hat on… I’ll be there in a minute.

    Reply

  6. Posted by geist0 on February 2, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    ~Jo

    Can I call you Jolene? I know its not your name, but I’m gonna.
    Yes, dear Jolene. She is a treasure.

    And yes I do have good taste! And the fact that you read my blog tells me that you have fan-fucking-tastic taste!!!!!!! Except in women… Kelly Ripa? COME ON!!!

    Reply

  7. Posted by geist0 on February 2, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    Jenn~ Thank you. I am proud of my photographic ability. Although the story wasn’t really meant to be funny. So thanks for laughing while I pour my heart out. : )

    Reply

  8. Posted by geist0 on February 2, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    Jon~

    I could be wrong. I thought I had heard they were engaged, but I don’t follow those stories that much. She did have a gigantic rock on her finger though. It was like the size of one of my testicles. It was a shade of violet, but I’m not sure if diamonds come in that color.

    Who knows? If they’re not, then I still have time!

    i think i could take him in a fight. but i wouldn’t want to. I like him too much.

    Reply

  9. I’m glad you had a great time… Eventually:) -She IS super pretty! I dig her attitude.

    My favorite part was when you’re thinking angry thoughts, then she comes out and it goes straight to, “You’re preeeeeeeeeetttttyyyyyyyyyy…” You’re so fuckin cute:D

    Reply

  10. Posted by geist0 on February 2, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    I was as giddy as a little girl. Sooooooooo preeettttttyyyyy.

    You would like her attitude. She’s very you. And I’ll pass along your thoughts on her beauty when she and I are on our honey moon. : )

    Thank you. Ya ain’t so bad yourself there, doll.

    Reply

  11. I like the first pic of you.

    Reply

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