Archive for March, 2008

Things We Should Just Goddamn Get Rid Of

We live in a world of excess. So much excess and eccentricity, in fact, that we have become oblivious to how ridiculous our society is. This is my tribute to some of the stupid shit we are inundated with on a daily basis.

the word “douchebag”- I blame Dane Cook for this one. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like ever since he called Karen a “bag of douche” the word has become more and more popular. Too popular in fact. These days everyone seems to be a douchebag. It’s said so often that I have come to believe that calling someone a douchebag does, in fact, make you a douche.

britney spears- This is why they don’t give people from Louisiana money. Look what we do with it. People love her because, as the patron saint of white trash vaginal wastes of spaces, she has become a living breathing reality soap opera, like the Truman Show on vicodin. But it’s about time for the Jerry Springer Road Show to come to an end. It’s time for everyone to get a life and stop giving a shit about this exercise in parental neglect.

girls shorts with writing on the back- Yeah, sometimes it’s hot. Mostly it’s not. And more often than otherwise it’s a signal flare for pedophiles. Why does a sixteen year old girl need the word “Juicy” written on her ass? It’s like a banner that says “Better get me pregnant before I’m legal!” Aren’t there better ways to let us know you’re a hoe-bag?

gangsta rap, thug rap, or any future form with a violent prefix- Yes, we know. You’re hard core. You do coke and meth. Your ride is fly stupid silly dope-izzle. You’ve been to prison (which is a curious sign of masculinity considering you were probably face-fucked by a guy named Bobo, but I digress). You rape and kill women, including your sister. We get it. Not impressed. You suck. Let’s move on.

and while I’m at it…

punk music- Did you know that punk wasn’t actually a style of music or fashion? That’s why the Sex Pistols, The Ramones and Black Flag sound absolutely nothing alike. Punk was a reaction to the trend of Corporate Rock (cock rock as its called). The pioneers of punk just wanted to make the most vile obnoxious music they could, like attacking yuppies with vikings. These days what people consider punk is bands like Blink 182 (who is sponsored by a corporation) and Avril Lavigne. Joey Ramone is dead, let punk go with him.

METAL- Ozzy is a reality TV star and Metallica has become a bunch of whiney pussies who run to the police to arrest 13 year olds for downloading music. The Old Gods are gone. Declare Metal DOA and call it a day.

anti-drug commercials- To be clear, I am firmly anti-drug and have absolutely no sympathy for anyone who uses them. That being said, these useless commercials make me want to kill myself. They don’t do anything. In fact, there was one commercial where a girl gets accosted for her marajuana use by her fucking chihuahua. That is the most satanic shit I have ever seen. Even I wanted to get fucked up after watching that.

the war on drugs- Again, I hate drugs. But the supposed “war on drugs” is a sham. The government could cripple drug smuggling and manufacturing if it wanted. They don’t want to. They just want it to look like they’re doing something (come to think of it, that seems to be standard practice on all gov’t issues). It’s there so rich people can feel like the police they’re bribing are out at all hours beating the shit out of poor people.

celebrities in rehab- It’s annoying because news services report them as actual news, when in fact it’s just a worm eating up memory in my brain. Is there any illusion that these people won’t be knee deep in pussy, vodka and heroin the second they get out? It’s a publicity stunt.

celebrities who give their kids stupid names- Kal-El Cage (Nic Cage). Pilot Inspektor Lee (Jason Lee). Blanket Jackson (Michael Jackson). Audio Science Sossamon (Shannyn Sossamon). Rumer Willis (Demi Moore). It’s sort of like there’s running contest among famous people to see who can come up with the most retarded name. Frank Zappa has been winning since the 60’s. If WW3 ever comes, PLEASE let them bomb Hollywood first.

the Mexicanization of America- Why do I see dual language banners everywhere I go? I can’t take a piss without being asked if I want to shake it off in Spanish. WTF? What really gives you an understanding about how crazy things are, is Walmart. There’s a line of Spanish translation Harry Potter novels available. Illegal immigrants must be doing pretty well if they’re worried about buying their kids fucking Harry Potter books.

movies based on video games- Street Fighter 2… nuff said.

unnecessary personalized license plates- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a personalized license plate, per se. But there are far more retarded plates than cool ones out there. Yesterday I saw a Miata with M8DU LK. It took at least ten minutes before I realized that it says Made You Look. And it doesn’t really say that. And what the fuck does that mean, anyway? My favorite is the 86 Toyota that has FliNbiU

EMO kids-  You know, when Goth kids think you’re a pussy, you have a problem.   Somebody needs to make these kids do some fucking push-ups.

“Time Outs”-  Enough of this bullshit; it doesn’t work. Your kid has a big screen TV an X-Box 360 and the internet with instant access to porn.  He’s fucking eight.  And to punish him, you send him to his room.   You are a bad parent.  If you don’t beat your kid’s ass every once in a while, then you have no right to complain when he grows up a worthless asshole.

men in denial about their steroid abuse- We know. We’ve always known. You’re an obnoxious prick with a tiny dick. Deal with it.

Michael Moore, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rush Limbaugh- Pig on a spit.   That’s all I’ve got to say.

(Yes, I know Rush is Right Wing; he’s still an asshole.)

and while we’re at it, toss Tom Cruise-  When was the last decent movie he did?  Wait… has he EVER done a great movie?  Fuck’im.  He’s a whack job.  Back to Xenu, fuckwit.

That’s all I got for now.

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Why You Fuckers Should Love Me

You’ve had dreams about me, admit it. You think about me during the day; have imaginary conversations with me… sometimes you pretend we’re making out. At night, you are overcome by torrid sexual fantasies. It’s alright. It’s perfectly natural. And likewise it’s natural that you would have questions about me… things you were too afraid to ask. Well now I’m going to let you know every intimate detail, and if you’re willing to listen, Adam is gonna make love to your ear, baby.

I’m going to do an interview. And who better to interview me, than… ME!

Let’s get this orgy started! (Because that’s how Adam gets down.)

ADAM (INTERVIEWER) : Hey there, slick!

ADAM: Hello.

AI: Would it be inappropriate for me to tell you just how FUCKING SEXY you are?

A: Right back at you kid.

*both laugh* HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAA

AI: Anyway, down to business.

A: I thought you would never ask.

AI: So, Adam… may I call you Adam?

A: No, no…. sir will do.

AI: Of course, sir. What inspires you?

A: Wow. You don’t pull punches do you? Hmm. Well, I’d have to say human triumph over adversity. I love that moment when someone succeeds against all odds. I think it’s because that’s the way I view myself, as an underdog. I think the idea of a man doing what they say can’t be done speaks to something in all of us. Also… I am inspired by a woman with a sweet caboose.

AI: Aren’t we all, sir. Aren’t we all. Now, if you could have two jobs besides your current career path, what would they be.

A: Celebrity Photographer and Formula One Driver. I’m addicted to speed.

AI: And the photography?

A: Well, I love photography. I think the idea of a picture is amazing. Go through your photo albums sometime and look at them. Just look. What a photo really is, is a moment frozen in time. Plus, I hear celebrities are all sluts, so I think it would be a good move socially.

AI: Right. Well, on that note: what do you look for in a woman?

A: Enormous breasts.

*both laugh* HAHAHHHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAAAAA

A: No seriously, gigantic tits. Write that down.

AI: I’m right there with you. We’re almost the same guy. But, is there anything else?

A: Not really. … Well, you know… the normal things. Sense of humor is a big one. I think she has to be unique on some level, like having a fresh perspective, a way of looking at things that no one else does. Intelligence and organization. I’m really loose when it comes to being organized.

AI: How do you feel about public displays of affection?

A: I’m totally up for outdoor naughty time.

AI: Good to know. Celebrity crushes.

A: In the “makes my pants get tight” category, I’d have to go with Katherine Heigl and Eva Mendez. In the “Please Marry Me” section, I have singer Miranda Lambert and actress Sophia Bush. I may be willing to sell my soul for the last two.

AI: Oh, me too. Me too. What are your favorite television shows?

A: Off the bat: Babylon 5, Alias, Veronica Mars, One Tree Hill, Firefly, Angel, Buffy, News Radio, Mad About You, Roswell, Heroes, Chuck, Life, Grey’s Anatomy, the Colbert Report

AI: What is your favorite movie quote?

A: I love John Francis Daley’s line at the end of Waiting.

“Oh you shut up asshole! Always gotta be right with your little quips! We get it man! You’re cool and edgy! Yeah! You’re the coolest guy at Shennanigans! Thats like being the smartest kid with DOWNS Syndrome.”

AI: So while we’re on that train, what are your favorite movies?

A: Garden State is a big one, simply because if I had any talent, that’s the movie I would have made.

AI: You’re being much too modest.

A: You’re right, I am. Other than that… Return of the Jedi had a big effect on me as a kid. As did Stripes. Also Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Pirates of the Caribbean, Oceans 11 and X2. I could go on.

AI: Please don’t.

A. Right. Next question.

AI: What’s your favorite dirty word?

A: Succulent. It is the dirtiest word in the English language.

AI: How so?

A: Just try it the next time you’re going down on a chick. It works. Trust me.

AI: Will do. Now, who are your favorite musical artists?

A: Chesney, Led Zepplin, Paisley, McGraw, Miranda Lambert, Tori Amos, CCR, ACDC, and Stone Temple Pilots

AI: What are some of your favorite books?

A: I’m really into autobiographical books, like Have a Nice Day! A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks by Mick Foley and If Chins Could Kill by Bruce Campbell. Also, The First Counsel by Brad Meltzer and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

AI: If you were stuck on a desert island and could have three comedians there to entertain you, who would they be?

A: Right on; tough one! Dave Attell would be there so we could talk about crazy shit. Lewis Black would be there to rant. And I would want Laura Kightlinger there. She would make me laugh and then we would totally fuck.

AI: Mmmmmmm… Kightlinger vage… niiiiiiceee.

A: I know, right? Totally hot.

AI: Okay, let’s do some lightning round questions.

AI: Best concert experience.

A: Chesney 2006 at the Cajundome with Dierks Bentley

AI: Food you couldn’t live without?

A: Mandarin Chicken

AI: Favorite vacation spot.

A: Walt Disney World

AI: Three countries you want to see before you die.

A: Australia, Italy and France.

AI: Nicknames?

A: The Crazy Mexican, and a bunch of other things I don’t want to talk about.

AI: And now I would like to go through the questionnaire made popular by that pretentious hairy ball sack faced James Lipton.

1. What is your favorite word?
A: I’m gonna have to go with Titties. It is also my favorite thing ever.

2. What is your least favorite word?
A: She-male.

3. What turns you on?
A: Titties. It’s sort of an all-purpose answer.

4. What turns you off?
A: Rap music.

5. What sound do you love?
A: Guitars, and babies laughing.

6. What sound do you hate?

A: Rubbing balloons. Rap music.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

A: Fuckwit.
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: I would want to be a Broadway singer/ dancer. Or a rock star.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

A: Clean public restrooms.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

A: “Come here you sick motherfucker! Where the hell you been?? Miranda Lambert’s been waiting inside for you, and she just told me she wants to s— your c—!”

AI: Alright, any final words you’d like to leave with your audience?

A: If you suck it just right, I’ll leave you a creamy delight!

AI: Well said, sir. I salute you.

10 Endings to LOST That are Probably More Reasonable than the Real One

Everybody loves Lost. Filled with action, twists and above all, mystery, it may be the most fascinating show on television. But with only around 36 episodes left and about 6 billion inexplicable questions to answer, many people are saying that the ending will be impossibly convoluted and contrived. With that in mind, I have compiled a list of possible endings to the show.

1. Turns out there’s a pacific island resort hotel on the other side. Jack thinks they should go back and drink Mai Tai’s.

2. They’re not really lost. It’s a role playing game that got way way out of hand.

3. Bugs Bunny is their puppet master.

4. Damon Lindelof did a little too much “research” into the latest Cheech and Chong movie and we’re all on the world’s worst acid trip.

5. Locke built the island. He is secretly a billionaire and set the whole thing up because he doesn’t have any friends.

6. The Dharma Initiative’s Secret Agenda? Build a prototype for the world’s most fucked up theme park at Paisley Park, to be known as “Prince World”.

7. The plane crashed in Narnia.

8. It’s all an elaborate reality show. During the last episode Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out and yell “Punk’d!” Seriously… polar bears, smoke monsters and four toed statues, those people are gullible.

9. They’re in the Matrix.

10. There is no ending. At the end, the writers will line up and flip us the bird in one giant collective “Fuck You”.

Women are from Saturn, Men are from Uranus

The Difference Between Women and Men

There’s a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate. Women insist that there aren’t any good men out there (which I suspect is because a woman’s definition of a “good man” is a little askew). Men bitch about how impossible it is to find single, decent girls (which I suspect is because it’s true). But I’m concentrating on the former here. Because I hear from a lot of women that they don’t understand men, that men are complicated and make no sense.

Okay ladies, for your benefit, I am about to explain to you in no uncertain terms the difference between men and women. If you listen to me you will learn pretty much all you need to know about men. More or less. Now the reason this is directed towards you and not men is because most guys already know this. That isn’t to say that we understand women. But we understand the difference between us.

So cutting to the chase, here it is, the secret of the sexes.

Women, by and large, try to make life more complicated than it has to be.
Men, by and large, try to make life easier than it’s supposed to be.

Put simply, women take the long, scenic route to arrive at a destination or decision, while men take the biggest shortcuts (which, to be fair, will mostly end with both parties out of gas in the woods about to be eaten by a bear).

I’ve told this to women before, and with few exceptions, they all responded the same way. “Wrong, wrong, wrong! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” If you’re thinking this, there’s a reason for it. You refuse to believe that it’s that simple. But it is, nothing complicated about it. And I’ll give you two fairly common examples. Common complaints between men and women.

1. Leaving the toilet seat up. To a woman, he should consider that she is going to need to use the bathroom at some point after him, and be considerate enough to put the toilet seat down in anticipation of that action. To a man, if we put the seat down, we’re just going to have to pick it back up again the next time. We’re saving valuable pissing time.

2. Women are often complaining that their man doesn’t listen to them; men on the other hand believe that their woman gives off confusing messages. The woman’s reasoning: “If you really care about me, you’ll take the time out to listen to what I’m saying, and read between the lines, instead of just going through the motions.” The man’s reasoning: “If you just said what you meant in the first place, we wouldn’t be fighting about this all the goddamn time.” Both sides are both reasonable and unreasonable to a degree. Guys: if you ask if you can go out with your boys and your girl is visibly upset but tells you to go, have the fucking brains to know that you should stay and find out what’s wrong. Ladies: he’s not a mind reader. He should know that you prefer dancing over movies, but there is no way he is going to know that you never talk about your sister’s buck teeth because her nick name was Bullwinkle in the third grade. Women are TERRIBLE at giving signals (like Ray Charles learning sign language) and men are RETARDED at interpreting them.

I’ll give you another key example. I understand that there is an episode of Sex and the City that was turned into a book called He’s Just Not That Into You.

NOTE: I do NOT watch Sex and the City. For the life of me, I cannot understand why women insist that they relate to a show that viciously and unrepentantly askews them as vapid, superficial whores. The show’s existence is an affront to your gender. The only reason I know anything about it is b/c it’s on every fucking channel whenever I’m trying to write. I can’t escape it. Plus Charlotte is hot.

But anyway, the book and episode posit that women will come up with extraordinarily ridiculous reasons to explain why the man they seek is into them, even though he clearly is not. One such reason: he’s playing hard to get. No he’s not. Men don’t play hard to get. At least not long term. A guy who’s good at picking out hapless girls might pretend not to be interested in you if he thinks it’ll get him laid quicker. But if a guy really likes you, he will find a way to tell you or show you.

NOTE: this is the only statement that I will make that is unquestionably true.

If a guy really cares about you, he will show you. Some guys aren’t good at saying I love you, and prefer to do it by being there for you whenever you need him. If your guy is emotionally unavailable, it isn’t going to work out. He isn’t going to change. He won’t grow to love you. It’s not that complicated. The only reason women find men confusing is because when a guy says something, you’re not listening for what he’s saying, you’re expecting what you want him to say. And when those two things conflict, of course you’re going to be confused. A man will tell you exactly who he is and what he wants, if you listen. If you’re having trouble figuring out why your boyfriend is only sweet to you when you’re alone, ask one of your guy friends. You’ll probably hear this: “He’s a dick. He just keeps you around to fuck you. And when he’s done, he’ll start fucking someone else.” That fact is usually clear with guys like that, but the women who date them, refuse to believe it’s that simple.

But it is.

Let me give you a real life example that was posed to me. I knew a girl from Ohio who asked me for advice about her baby sister. Her sister(“K”) met a boy (“D”) at a high school retreat when she was 16. K and D established an instant connection that was both friend and intimate. Unfortunately, they both had significant others. A year later, they were both free and she wanted to try dating, but he was afraid it would ruin their friendship.

NOTE: Men do NOT avoid dating the woman they love for this reason. It is pure bullshit. I don’t know if women use that reasoning, but men would rather take the risk. He’s not into you.

Everyone around K and D knew they were soul mates, perfect for one another, but his fear stood in their way. Soon he started dating someone else, and they lost touch for awhile. Then they found each other again. By then, they were both seeing someone else, but he confessed to K that he wanted to give it a try, that he was ready and was going to break up with his girlfriend. Which he did (isn’t that sweet?). He then showed up at her door in a grand gesture of love and told her that he had left the woman he was with and she should do the same so that they could be together! … And she said no. She liked the guy she was with, and had no intention of dumping him unceremoniously, regardless of the fact that she did still want to be with D. So what did D do? Did he tell her “You’re the one for me. I’ll prove it to you.”? Did he go to her window every night and serenade her? Did he say “I’ll wait until you’re ready.” and content himself in the knowledge that they were still best friends? No. He went back to the girl he had just dumped, said he made a mistake and got her back. The story went on from there, but I finally had to stop the girl who was telling it.

“Please stop. Your sister is NEVER going to be with this guy. He’s a douche. And he doesn’t really want to be with her, otherwise he would have made it happen the first time. Your sister should NOT leave the guy she’s with for this, and should probably get rid of D, who is obviously playing games with her.”

The girl’s response? Gratitiude? Epiphany? Thoughtfulness?

“Uh… NO. YOU’RE WRONG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. If you saw them together, if you asked anyone who knew them, you would see. They are meant to be together.” (Just as an aside, I HATE IT when someone asks for your advice, and then talks shit to you when you don’t tell them what they want to hear.)

Some of you may have come to the same conclusion as the girl telling the story. If so, read it again. Did you notice the pattern where he only wants to be with her when she isn’t available and there’s no chance of them being together? (and by the way, I think I’m forgetting a couple of “break ups” between K and D in the middle of the story.) This isn’t a love story. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks don’t finally get it together at the end. This is the story of a girl who doesn’t know how to say “You’re no good for me. You may not be intentionally hurtful, but you will only continue to hurt me as long as I stay with you.”

There’s a lot of women with that story. In fact, I have at least two more that I could tell you right now, but I won’t. It’s repetitive. Different story. Same ending.

Men are not complicated.

The thing is, no matter how smart a man is, we are all emotionally simplistic. We are very clear as to who we are and how we operate, you just have to pay attention and use your instincts instead of your emotions to control your judgment.

Communication is key. Ladies, when you’re looking for advice, don’t talk to your girlfriend who has been blissfully happy for a year. Talk to her grandmother who has been married for fifty. Her husband knows that when she puts her hand on his shoulder at night, it means she’s in the mood. She knows that when he gives her his last bit of steak it means he loves her. Or something to that effect, it’s hard to come up with good examples.

In closing, I want to say, I hope I haven’t come off as condescending to any of you. I have a great deal of respect for women. It’s just that I don’t believe most women possess Achem’s razor. (Note: Achem’s razor says that the simplest solution to a problem which meets all criterion is the correct one.) Hope I’ve been of help. Let the fireworks begin.

Buffy the Vagina Slayer

Joss Whedon is just about the shiniest writer in the ‘Verse.

And the fact that I would tell you that just shows you what a massive geek I am. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an obsession of mine (and many other chronic mastubaters) for about five years. For those of you counting, that’s about two years shy of the show’s run. Well, I stopped following it after the fifth season… because frankly, it depressed the ever living shit out of me. Plus, by then Angel was hitting it’s stride and ended up being a much better, more streamlined show. The success of Angel made Buffy feel like it had long since jumped the shark (or in this case, jumped the magic portal with the “big bad”). Don’t get me wrong, I still dropped in form time to time. I own the soundtrack to the Musical episode, “Once More With Feeling”. And I saw the two subsequent finales. It was Buffy… how could I not watch?

So I approached the idea of Season 8 with apprehension. Could Buffy work as a comic book? Wouldn’t the patented Scooby dialect sound retarded without the Scoobies there to speak it? (At this point you should realize that this whole damn post is probably gonna be littered with geek-speak.) But I picked up the comic anyway. After all, it was Whedon. And it was Buffy… again I ask, how could I not? I couldn’t… not. … Anyway…

So I read Whedon’s initial arc which sort of swung for the fences, making Buffy the General in an international army of Slayers and placing all our cast members in barely recognizable roles. Xander, for instance, has become (with an eye wink to the audience) Nick Fury in Buffy’s (bizarrely nameless) organization which is itself an homage to the Initiative from Season 4. Andrew, meanwhile has become a high ranking Watcher. Oh, and Dawn is a giant (after some serious demon penis mojo inside her bajingo— say that out loud, its fun).

In many ways it does feel like a TV Season instead of a continuous comic. With the first years worth of stories out of the way, it still feels like we’re on the third episode… which essentially we are. It’s enjoyable. Most of the complaints I’ve heard are about the dialogue sounding forced. But as I mentioned earlier, I think that has more to do with the fact that the actors aren’t there to give the flashy, fast paced, pop culture laden pseudo slang weight (try saying that too– it makes you feel cool!). The truth is the Scooby-Speak has always been odd. Think about it. As much as people loved Buffy, no one ever really quoted the show. Ever. It just doesn’t work.

It hasn’t been my favorite book, but I keep up with it because it’s fun and I want to see where Whedon and company (he isn’t the only writer on the book, though he is sort of “Executive Producer”) are going with it. I’m especially interested in what they’re planning to do with Faith and Giles who have gone solo. So I was on board.

Then issue number twelve hit. You may have read about it in the NY Times or heard about it somewhere. They made Buffy a lesbian… except not really.

Backtracking.

One of the new characters this season is a junior Slayer (and de facto Scooby) named Satsu (sp?). Satsu is the one Buffy seems to believe will take on her role when she’s gone, so they have become very close. The problem is, Satsu is coo coo for cocoa puffs in love with Buffy. In issue eleven, Buffy reveals that she is well aware of her feelings, but does not reciprocate them in that way because SHE ISN’T ATTRACTED TO GIRLS. Then the two of them get beat up by this season’s Big Bad. Cut to issue 12, Buffy was so upset by the beating that she needs to fuck whatever warm body comes her way, and Satsu was planning on coming… sorry.. couldn’t help myself.

You know they did it because there are panties on the floor and Buffy has that look that I’ve been told a woman gets when you aren’t sexually inadequate. Yay, Satsu! Anyway… once Satsu is done scissoring her blind, Buffy tells her it was incredible and she’s thinking of going both ways… but probably not with her. Apparently the Buff-ster has more of hit-it-and-quit-it attitude with the bitches. She also tells her DON’T TELL ANYBODY in a way that reminds you of a jock who wakes up with an over-weight girl. Then, in a frankly hilarious scene, every single person she knows walks in on the post coital couple. The highlights were probably giant Dawn’s eye peaking in the window and Willow falling from the sky. And you just know Willow was pissed that she didn’t get to pop Buffy’s cherry. I mean, come on, Buff! Will would surely have helped you get over Angel if you would’ve asked!

That was my not-quite-as-funny-as-I’d-like-to-think recap portion.

Here’s the semi-political response. What the fuck? Buffy is a lesbian? I didn’t really get where they were coming from when Willow went gay, but it worked. And no one would be surprised if Faith got down with the ladies. But Buffy?

The thing is, there is a standing argument that most mediums (from comics to movies) have a severe lack of diversification. I agree with that statement. There is a lack of race and sexual diversification in fiction. Though I disagree with the belief that it’s based on prejudice. What people need to understand is that most successful writers are pale, white, somewhat virginal, heterosexual males. In my head, all the characters are white heterosexuals… not because my brain is segregated against gay black dudes, but because my characters are aspects of me. And contrary to what you may have heard in prison, there is not a gay hispanic guy inside of me. (I miss you Pablo.)

And that’s a problem. But I kind of disagree with the half-assed way of curing things like that, which is to say turning a straight (why are we called straight, by the way? WTF does that even mean?) character gay. How about we just create new characters? (On the other hand, it would be interesting if Jack from Lost was mysteriously turned into an Argentinian trans-sexual.) For one thing, it comes off less as progress and more as a cheap marketing stunt to make money. So was this the former or the latter? Well, since Joss says it was a one time thing, I’m guessing it was cheap marketing stunt.

That doesn’t bother me too much, except I felt like it cheapened the character. And it isn’t b/c she went gay. Hell, in my dreams Buffy, Sidney Bristow and Miley Cyrus have a nightly dildo show (Oh yeah! I went there!). My problem is that Satsu went all out, giving Buffy the Works (or in this case the Taco Salad) only to find out that she was just another notch in her bedpost. That’s not how you treat a sexy lady! Bad Buffy! Bad!

And the worst part is, she comes off like a stuck up Cheerleader who had too much to drink. You can totally imagine this exchange.

“Buffy… I love you.”

“I’m sorry… what did you say? I was totally just thinking about how cute I am in my new Louie Vitton shoes! SO CUTE!”

“I was just… I was saying… I love you. Buffy, I am so in love with you.”

“Ohhhh, sweetie… I know. And I don’t blame you. Mother Theresa would fuck me in these shoes. But I’m sorry… I’m not a lesbo.”

“Oh. Sorry I… ”

“I mean, sure, it’s one thing to get blasted on cocaine at Cheer camp and then fuck your Den Mother with a two- headed strap on… but I can’t be seen doing that with a girl in public!”

“I’m sorry! I never should have…”

“Yeahhhhhh… you really shouldn’t have.”

Satsu turns away, humiliated and despondent.

“Awww, sweetie, don’t be sad! It isn’t your fault that I’m built like a brick shithouse! You couldn’t help yourself. I tell you what! You can do me, and then it won’t be gay! But if ANYONE I know finds out, I’m totally gonna deny and say I hate lesbians. I may even tell people you raped me with your freakish lesbian strength. And then I’ll get your Dad fired from his job and you’ll be forced to buy your Prada at discount bins!”

And then she never mentions it again except when she tries to get her greasy haired rich boy husband to buy her a Porche (KOBE!).


“So, baby… when you gonna bring your sister around?”
The preceding Paris Hilton fantasy has been the insane ravings of a sex starved red neck who just wants to be loved.

Whatever.

I think we can all agree that the REAL Big Bad is playing with other people’s feelings for sexual gratification.

Which Naruto Character Are You?

I have a confession to make. I’m totally obsessed with the show Naruto.

Aren’t you? Well why the fuck not? It’s like the most kick ass kung fu show ever… in cartoon form. If you’re not watching it, you should be. And this is coming from someone with severe Dragonball Z burnout. That show used to be the only palatable action anime available to nerds like me. The problem was that show just took itself too damn seriously. The decompressed story lines were ridiculous. A single fight scene would take around 8 episodes, 7 of which consisted of two characters standing around talking about stuff… like their goddamn childhood. And then something cool would happen, and then there would be 17 more episodes of talking. So I was sort of done with anime, or at least the action shows. (Japanese cartoonists aren’t afraid to address complex adult concepts in their work, so it isn’t all a child’s idea of cartoons, sometimes it is high concept art… and then sometimes it’s porn.) But I stumbled onto Naruto one day, and I’ve been hooked. There are resemblances to DBZ, except that stuff actually happens on this show. The method of storytelling is typical of the Japanese, complex and character driven. It features a HUGE and diverse cast of characters, all serving a unique purpose in the Naruto universe.

And that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about today. I was talking a while back to another Naruto fan, and it occurred to me that you can tell a lot about someone based on their favorite Naruto character. It sounds stupid, but follow me through a list of a few of them, and then tell me: Which Naruto character are you?

NARUTO UZUMAKI

Naruto is the perpetual outsider. Born an orphan and branded dangerous from birth, he spent his entire life being singled out and extricated by both his peers and adults alike. He isn’t particularly smart or talented, but has grown by leaps and bounds simply by working hard and never, ever giving up. In just a few short years, he went from a class joke to one of the elite ninja at the academy. He has made close friends that he considers his family, but despite this, in many ways they still don’t understand him, and sometimes treat him very badly (particularly the opposite sex). Despite Naruto’s inadequacies, he boasts that he will be the greatest ninja of all one day, though it is clear he often feels inferior around some of his friends, such as Sasuke. But he refuses to give up. “I never go back on my word!”

You may be Naruto if: you feel isolated and singular in the world and push yourself to be the best just so people will treatyou with respect.

SASUKE UCIHA

Sasuke is one of the most gifted ninja of his generation. And he knows it. His fear of losing those he cares about simultaneously drives him to distance himself from them and protect them. Though he knows he is immensely talented, he constantly wonders if he is strong enough to deal with the obstacles in front of him or to protect his friends. His obsessive needs to be the best has led him down dark paths and away from the people that care about him.

You may be Sasuke if:  You are driven by the horrors of your past and fear that you are not strong enough to protect the people you love.

SAKURA HARUNO

Sakura is in many ways the Ugly Duckling of the story. She grew up as the least talented female ninja ninja, and was ridiculed by other girls her age for her large forehead. Her friend Ino helped her come out of her shell, but she remained in Ino’s shadow until they became bitter rivals for Sasuke’s affection. She is in love with Sasuke, despite the fact that he is clearly self destructive and their relationship has gone from bare tolerance to friendship. Her devotion to the idea of romance to the bad boy has caused her to over look the affections of boys like Naruto and Rock Lee who treat her better and go out of their way to prove themselves to her (and actually save her life on multiple occasions). Sakura has come into her own, and does not feel the need to prove herself to Ino nearly as much.

You may be Sakura if:  you don’t believe that you are as pretty or as smart as the popular girls.  Also, if you constantly fall for the bad boy rather than the one who truly loves you.

ROCK LEE


Rock Lee is much like Naruto in that he is considered a talentless loser. In spite of the ridicule of others and a total lack of natural talent, he has dedicated himself to becoming a great ninja solely through hard work. He has only two goals: to be great and to beat a natural born “genius” ninja in combat (particularly his comrade and rival, Neji Hyuga). And his hard work has payed off greatly. Though he still possesses none of the more “magical” ninja abilities, he is far and away the strongest and fastest hand to hand fighter of his village.

You may be Rock Lee if:  you were branded a failure at a young age, but worked harder and longer than anyone else around you (possibly surpassing everyone).  You maybe Rock if you are the underdog who’s done good.

SHIKAMARU NARA

Shikamaru is an uncharted genius. Though he is not as talented at Ninja abilities as many of his friends, his ability to out think opponents and calculate the best strategies while even in combat make him a formidable opponent. But he’d rather not get involved. He is incredibly lazy. Shikamaru is a genius who is bored with life and would rather lay about and stare at clouds. The one thing that will get him motivated is when someone hurts his friends.

You may be Shikamaru if:  you are an unmotivated genius, brilliant strategist and good friend.

NEJI HYUGA


Neji is more in line with the kind of genius that Sasuke is than Shikamaru. He is one of the most naturally gifted ninja in his village, and he knows it. Unlike Sasuke, he never believed that he wasn’t strong enough, and looked down upon those he considered “failures”, such as Naruto and (especially) Rock Lee and his cousin Hinata. His behavior was in many ways villainous until he fought the greatest failure of them all, Naruto. His defeat at Naruto’s hands inspired great humility in him. He has even had moments of self sacrifice for others.

You may be Neji if: you are beautifully talented, unbareably arrogant and badly in need of a lesson in humility.

HINATA HYUGA

Hinata is the perpetual wallflower, afraid of her own shadow.  In fact, she has spent her entire life in the shadow of others, despite the fact that she comes from the great and powerful Hyuga clan.  She is nowhere here near as talented as her cousin Neji.  Her father considers her a burden, unworthy of her heritage, and sent basically disowned her, leaving Hinata in the care of her teacher.  The one person who brings her out of her shell is her secret crush, Naruto.  His relentless efforts to prove himself inspire her to do the same, particularly when he is near.

You may be Hinata if:   you are quiet and assuming; afraid to speak up so as not to appear foolish.  Submissive to the will of others.   And if you’re in love with a great guy who happens to be too stupid to know how you feel about him.

CHOUJII AKIMICHI

Choujii is the kid that gets pissed when you call him fat but will eat twice as many slices of pizza as everyone else and actually fights you for that last one.   He doesn’t care much about being a great ninja.  He just wants to eat and hang out with his only real friend, Shikamaru.  Only two things will make him fight you, calling him fat or hurting his friends.

You may be Choujii if:   you are defined by your obesity.  Or if the best people can think to say about you is you’re “really nice”.

INO YAMANAKA

Ino was the most popular girl in her class.  She is smart, beautiful and talented.   She behaves badly and mistreats others at times, but deep down she cares for the people in her life, even Sakura her rival. 

You may be Ino if:  you’re that girl and everyone loves you.   You have a tendancy to insult your friends or fight with your best friend over a guy.   There is more to you inside, but you never show it through your superficial exterior.

GAARA

Gaara is hate personified.   His soul was bonded to a sand demon before he was born, causing others to fear him.  Though he was a very sweet, albeit tortured child, the contempt and betrayal of those around him including those he loved made him hate the world.  He gave himself over to his rage and believes his one purpose in life is to kill everyone.

You may be Gaara if:  you have been treated like a freak by everyone and have never known another’s love.   You feel that those around you should be made to pay for what they have done.  You think everyone else deserves pain as well.

NOTE: if you are anything like Gaara  SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP IMMEDIATELY!

JIRAIYA

Jiraiya is not quite a father figure for Naruto, but more of a wise yet horny Uncle.   He is one of the greatest ninjas who ever lived, and one of the biggest perverts.   Jiraiya is often torn between teaching Naruto to become a great ninja and peeking on young girls in the shower.

You may be Jiraiya if you are:    A.  a great ninja   or B.  have ever been in prison for molesting a teenage girl.

NOTE:  If you are anything like Jiraiya… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

TSUNADE

 

Tsunade is the reluctant leader of the Leaf Village, Naruto’s home.   She has lost most of the people she loves to war.   Now she is a bitter woman who tries to numb the pain with alcohol and gambling.    Though she is actually around fifty, she conceals her identity and looks to be about thirty in appearance.

You may be Tsunade if:   you are a bitter old hag.  You will never allow people to know your true age.   You have lost more pairs of clothing at strip poker than you currently own.   You have enormous breasts.

So there you have it.  Did anyone make it through to the end?

Personally I would like to say I am a Rock Lee…

but most likely I’m Naruto.   Then again, lately I look more like Choujii.

Love and Con-Artists

Have you read this article in the New York Times about would- be non fiction novelist, Margaret Seltzer? Seltzer is yet another in a string of Autobiographical Authors peddling the hardships and tragedies of their lives who turned out to be completely full of shit.

I get really pissed off with auto biographies. The thing is, I like reading a/bios (auto-biographies) over fictional novels, because the idea that it’s true makes it somehow more interesting. The reality, of course, is that most of the people who have their very own a/bio can barely write their own name, much less publishable memoirs, and most of these stories are entirely fictitious, borne of the deceptively monikered “co-writer”. But that’s to be expected when you buy a celebrity’s book. Take for instance, that literary masterpiece known as “The Rock Says…”, chronicling the rise to super-stardom never before seen in the world of professional wrestling by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The Rock is a brilliant orator, an excellent wrestler, a comedic talent, a dazzling(ly bad) actor, and a man who really loves pancakes. Did you really think he would be a talented author as well? That would almost be too good to be true. Ah, well. Dare to dream.

But lately, it seems Novelists have been attempting to garner publicity by passing their stories off as true. The problem is, when you label a book non-fiction and create an entire life and background, and then it turns out you made the whole goddamn thing up… you have clearly side stepped lying and committed fraud. It’s been happening left and right lately. One of them was a book called “Misha: A Mémoire of the Holocaust Years, by Misha Defonseca. The book was published slightly over a decade ago. It’s the supposedly true story of an 7 year old girl whose parents are killed in the Holocaust. The girl spends the next 4 years walking from Austria to the Ukraine, while occasionally fighting Nazi’s and a goddamn wolf. Well fuck Little Red Riding Hood! That story would have been a lot cooler if she had managed to kill Hitler while he was trying to pop her little Red Riding Cherry. As it turns out the author, whose real name is Monique de Wael, isn’t even Jewish! You’d think someone would notice that. In all fairness, her Catholic parents were killed while protesting the Holocaust… but on the other hand, she made money by defrauding the stories of actual Holocaust survivors. So you’d have to assume that her Dad would be a little disappointed.

By far the most famous case is that of James Frey, whose book “A Million Little Pieces”, chronicles his life of addiction and road to recovery. People went nuts over that book. And then they found out that most of what he wrote was either exaggerated or an out-right lie. Frey gets points for having the balls to go on The Oprah Winfrey Show and lying. She made “A Million Little Pieces ” a best seller by putting it on her Oprah Book Club list. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who makes that bitch look like a fool is alright by me. *Somewhere, a crack Harpo commando squad deploys intent on killing me.* The best part? After the scandal came out, he published a sequel. James Frey, I nominate you for Biggest Balled Auto Biographical Writer Since OJ Simpson. I salute you, sir.

Seltzer’s book, Love and Consequences is different form the other two.  Seltzer paints a picture of her childhood, lost in the hellacious foster care system until the age of 8, when she placed in the care of a black woman named Big Mom in South Central Los Angeles.  She then goes on to describe her life among her black brothers and sister, and her teenage years in which she became a drug runner for the infamous “Bloods” gang.   She talks about how she was mentored by one of the dealers, and taught the ways of the street.   It is an uplifting tale that at once gives you a feel for the harsh realities of being a poor black kid in the big city and details her rise out of “the life”, going on to college and eventually becoming an erudite, thought provoking author… or at least it would be if it weren’t so glaringly obvious that this woman is completely full of shit.

I will refer you to a section of the NY Times original review of the book (when the world still believed that this woman was Margaret Jones of South Central) wherein they quote the book.  The excerpt is taken form the section where her mentor is teaching her about how to survive on the mean streets.
¶ “Trust no one. Even your own momma will sell you out for the right price or if she gets scared enough.”

¶ “War has no room for diplomacy, war is outright vicious. Never expect mercy and never show it.”

¶ “There is no greater sin in war than ignorance. Never speak or act on anything you aren’t 100 percent sure of, or someone will expose your mistake and take you down for it.”

Okay… I realize hind sight is 20/20…  but…  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Are people really that stupid to believe this load of shit?  You’re telling me no one noticed that a common drug dealer is portrayed here as being less like a disciple of Tupac Shakur and more as the next best thing to Sun Tzu??  I realize that this is the kind of book that is marketed more toward hard core liberals.  You know, the kind of affluent, never had a worry, met one black guy their whole life– person.  They like to tell kids how they listen to rap music.  They love to tell others about shit like this, and hey say things like “It’s so raw and real, you know?” and “I feel like I know what it’s like to be black now.”  Or something.  I get that.  But even if you’ve never met a gang member before, that no excuse.  It isn’t that black people don’t talk like this… it’s that NO ONE DOES.

Of the excerpts I’ve read, they are all written in an educated author’s voice with bits of slang thrown in. “Unlike most of my homies,I made it out of L.A. with my life and without a prison record. Wait, let me reword that, as it is not entirely true as it stands. I made it out of L.A. with what life I had left. I wake up in the morning, and where I live, in a little house on a dead-end street in a small Oregon town, I hear birds singing in a big-leaf maple outside my bedroom window, and I thank God because I know it shouldn’t have been so.” (courtesy NY Times)   That strike you as a girl who grew up in a gang?  The way she tells it, hew world was an equal combination of Frederick Nietzsche and a John Singleton movie.  Half the bangers she knew were apparently unappreciated street philosophers.   Well fuck Ghandi!  You want to learn about peace, ask T-roy out in the Marcy Projects.  He’ll give you the straight dope on wizz-orld pizz-eace.

In the cases of Frey and de Wael, at least you can say they are roughly familiar with the subjects on which they write.  Seltzer was so fucking white bread, its just insane.  She went to boarding school!  I don’t even know anyone who went to boarding school! (Reform school, yes.)  And the only reason anyone found was that her elder sister, in an act that would surely make Linda Tripp proud, ratted her out.   No one did any fact checking.  (You would think they would ask her for her fucking license at some point… or maybe her homies made her a fake.)  Unbelievable.

Maybe I’m being a little harsh.  I only read pieces of solicitations.  But based on those, I think I would have burned the book in effigy.   And sought recompense for the second of my life I wasted on that first page.

But on the other hand, I don’t really feel all that sorry for the people who feel duped by these scams.  The truth is con artists are rarely geniuses.  They rely mostly on the gullibility of the general public.  Because we are all vulnerable to being tricked, no matter how smart we think we are.  Every one of us has a soft spot.  A good grifter just knows how to exploit that.