You Might Be a Big Pretentious Pussy If…

I was reading a post on cracked.com the other day.  The writer and the article escape me, but the gist of it was that Nirvana wasn’t that great a band.   He said that they were a really good band, but nowhere near as deserving of the level of reverence and worship which has been accredited to them in the last 15 years.  Some of you are going to huff and puff about that statement, but I have to say… I agree with them.

 I like Nirvana.  I like some of their songs, like Rape me and (the David Bowie cover) Man Who Sold The World.  And I think it is arguable that they were one of the best bands of the 90s… but when you think about it, that isn’t that impressive.  After all, as much as I love the music I grew up with, we can pretty much credit the 90s music scene with creating the big steaming pile of shit that is modern culture, one filled with Reality TV and rap music.  After all, that was where gangsta rap rose to power.  So yeah, Kurt Cobain was the King of Rock n’Roll in an era where music was (is) dominated by beligerent, overblown ethnic stereotypes.  Not that impressive. 

And it made me think.  I was watching the new Ryan Reynolds (Waiting)  film, Definitely, Maybe.  Most of that movie takes place in the early 90s. And there was scene set in 1992 wherein Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers) teaches Reynolds’ square ass about the guy whose music is gonna change rock to it’s foundations, Kurt Cobain.   And I thought to myself “Wow.  This scene takes me back to 1992.  I know this because she references Kurt Cobain before he was a corpse (and Nirvana before they fought Foo) and little Billy Clinton beofre he was a professional pussy hound. Nostalgia!”   Watching that scene reminds me of countless other shows, movies, articles, whatever… where someone tells you how fucking cool they are because they were onto Kurt Cobain before anybody knew who he was (i.e. before he died).  And these people love to tell you how they knew his music was gonna change the world. 

 And when I hear things like this, I have only one thing to say:

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GIGANTIC BLEEDING PUSSY.

His music changed the world?  This was a dude who once (okay, probably not once) got so high out of his fucking gourd that he woke up and put a pink ballerina’s Tu Tu and went off to MTV to be interviewed.   It may not have changed the world, but it did make me change the channel, so there’s that.  (You gotta walk before you can run.)  Also, he was one of the most famous people on the planet, with a wife and newborn child, money and the guaranteed ability to nail as much ass  as was humanly possible (hell, Courtney was probably bringing home pussy)… and he killed himself.   That’s about the least Rock n’ Roll thing I ever heard.  Real rockstars either die by exploding plane or drug overdose.  There ain’t no inbetween, people.

I’m not trying to pick on Nirvana… they’re just easy targets.   And it’s really more about the aire of pretentiousness that surrounds their fans.  But there’s other examples.  For instance, I’m a Johnny Cash fan.  But I don’t like telling people that.  Because ever since he died (and especially since that damned movie) every asshole and their mother will tell you how they grew up on Cash.  Suddenly dropping Cash’s name is just another way of getting instant “indie” street cred.  Even my favorite musicians are doing it.  After every show, they all have to do a Cash song as an encore… and they all do the exact same one!  Folsom Prison Blues.   And they don’t do FPB because it’s his best song… it isn’t.  They do it because that the only song most people know!  The two worst examples of this were popular music videos.  One was a song by up and comer Jason Aldeen, called Johnny Cash.  Great!  A song about Johnny Cash!  Except it isn’t.   The song had absolutely nothing to do with Johnny Cash.  Nothing.  It was about quiting his job and banging his bitch in the back of his car (wait for it) WHILE listening to Johnny Cash songs.  Ohhhhhhhhhh…. now it makes sense.  Wait… no it doesn’t.  That’s retarded.   That’s like making a song about molesting barnyard animals and calling it Blue Shoes because you wore Blue shoes on your way to walgreens to buy the lube. The other one was actally the last video made of a Johnny Cash song.   It was a song called God’s Gonna Cut You Down (Cash’s version of Gospel music was bit macabre) from his final album released after his death, American V.   The video is a series of black and white cut scenes of famous people lip synching the song. A few of them you could reasonably believe were fans of Cash, such as Dennis Hopper, Rick Rubin (who I believe produced his last five albums),  Kieth Richards, Lisa Marie Presley (Elvis and Cash came up together, albeit in different genres),  maybe Kid Rock (although he ranks high on the list of poser fucks in need of a good smiting), Jay Z (fuck, he listend to the musical Annie, so who knows) and of course Johnny’s friend and occasional bandmate (whom he also discovered) Kris Kristofferson.     But then you have a list of other celebrities… or famous fuckwits I should say…  blasphemously proclaiming their posthumous devotion to the dead legend (some of whom, while gyrating like they’re in some sort of bizarre outdoor nightclub in the middle of a hillbilly funeral).  Fuckwits such as Bono  (don’t even get me started), Q-Tip (who I actually like), Amy Lee (the mouthy bitch from Evanescence), Chris Rock,  Sharon “Cooter” Stone,  Justin Timberlake (the closest this prick ever came to Coutnry was banging Britney’s trailer trash ass), and Kanye West.  KANYE “I HATE WHITEY” WEST!  You get the impression that most of these people claim to be Cash fans because A: they want to show their fans (all five of them) how diverse they are, and B: they dug his cover of Hurt.   The only thing that a preference for the Cash version over the Reznor version proves is that you have ears.  It doesn’t make you an old school Cash fan.  You know how I know?  Because I’m not an old school Cash fan!  I didn’t listen to him when I was 10.  Fuck, I didn’t even know who he was until I was 19.  Most people didn’t.

But unlike Cobain, there is some evidence that Cash was one of the most influential (if not greatest) artists of all time, and at least deserving of the coolness associated with listening to him.   But bragging about it just makes you an annoying prick. And that sucks because I have this aweome Cash shirt that I love, but I try not to wear it too much, because I don’t want to look like a pretentious fuckwit.

Remember when being cool had more to do with who you were and how you treated others than what you wore or what shitty music you pretended to listen to?  Me neither, but how about we give that shit a try.  It just might work.

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