Buffy the Vagina Slayer

Joss Whedon is just about the shiniest writer in the ‘Verse.

And the fact that I would tell you that just shows you what a massive geek I am. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an obsession of mine (and many other chronic mastubaters) for about five years. For those of you counting, that’s about two years shy of the show’s run. Well, I stopped following it after the fifth season… because frankly, it depressed the ever living shit out of me. Plus, by then Angel was hitting it’s stride and ended up being a much better, more streamlined show. The success of Angel made Buffy feel like it had long since jumped the shark (or in this case, jumped the magic portal with the “big bad”). Don’t get me wrong, I still dropped in form time to time. I own the soundtrack to the Musical episode, “Once More With Feeling”. And I saw the two subsequent finales. It was Buffy… how could I not watch?

So I approached the idea of Season 8 with apprehension. Could Buffy work as a comic book? Wouldn’t the patented Scooby dialect sound retarded without the Scoobies there to speak it? (At this point you should realize that this whole damn post is probably gonna be littered with geek-speak.) But I picked up the comic anyway. After all, it was Whedon. And it was Buffy… again I ask, how could I not? I couldn’t… not. … Anyway…

So I read Whedon’s initial arc which sort of swung for the fences, making Buffy the General in an international army of Slayers and placing all our cast members in barely recognizable roles. Xander, for instance, has become (with an eye wink to the audience) Nick Fury in Buffy’s (bizarrely nameless) organization which is itself an homage to the Initiative from Season 4. Andrew, meanwhile has become a high ranking Watcher. Oh, and Dawn is a giant (after some serious demon penis mojo inside her bajingo— say that out loud, its fun).

In many ways it does feel like a TV Season instead of a continuous comic. With the first years worth of stories out of the way, it still feels like we’re on the third episode… which essentially we are. It’s enjoyable. Most of the complaints I’ve heard are about the dialogue sounding forced. But as I mentioned earlier, I think that has more to do with the fact that the actors aren’t there to give the flashy, fast paced, pop culture laden pseudo slang weight (try saying that too– it makes you feel cool!). The truth is the Scooby-Speak has always been odd. Think about it. As much as people loved Buffy, no one ever really quoted the show. Ever. It just doesn’t work.

It hasn’t been my favorite book, but I keep up with it because it’s fun and I want to see where Whedon and company (he isn’t the only writer on the book, though he is sort of “Executive Producer”) are going with it. I’m especially interested in what they’re planning to do with Faith and Giles who have gone solo. So I was on board.

Then issue number twelve hit. You may have read about it in the NY Times or heard about it somewhere. They made Buffy a lesbian… except not really.


One of the new characters this season is a junior Slayer (and de facto Scooby) named Satsu (sp?). Satsu is the one Buffy seems to believe will take on her role when she’s gone, so they have become very close. The problem is, Satsu is coo coo for cocoa puffs in love with Buffy. In issue eleven, Buffy reveals that she is well aware of her feelings, but does not reciprocate them in that way because SHE ISN’T ATTRACTED TO GIRLS. Then the two of them get beat up by this season’s Big Bad. Cut to issue 12, Buffy was so upset by the beating that she needs to fuck whatever warm body comes her way, and Satsu was planning on coming… sorry.. couldn’t help myself.

You know they did it because there are panties on the floor and Buffy has that look that I’ve been told a woman gets when you aren’t sexually inadequate. Yay, Satsu! Anyway… once Satsu is done scissoring her blind, Buffy tells her it was incredible and she’s thinking of going both ways… but probably not with her. Apparently the Buff-ster has more of hit-it-and-quit-it attitude with the bitches. She also tells her DON’T TELL ANYBODY in a way that reminds you of a jock who wakes up with an over-weight girl. Then, in a frankly hilarious scene, every single person she knows walks in on the post coital couple. The highlights were probably giant Dawn’s eye peaking in the window and Willow falling from the sky. And you just know Willow was pissed that she didn’t get to pop Buffy’s cherry. I mean, come on, Buff! Will would surely have helped you get over Angel if you would’ve asked!

That was my not-quite-as-funny-as-I’d-like-to-think recap portion.

Here’s the semi-political response. What the fuck? Buffy is a lesbian? I didn’t really get where they were coming from when Willow went gay, but it worked. And no one would be surprised if Faith got down with the ladies. But Buffy?

The thing is, there is a standing argument that most mediums (from comics to movies) have a severe lack of diversification. I agree with that statement. There is a lack of race and sexual diversification in fiction. Though I disagree with the belief that it’s based on prejudice. What people need to understand is that most successful writers are pale, white, somewhat virginal, heterosexual males. In my head, all the characters are white heterosexuals… not because my brain is segregated against gay black dudes, but because my characters are aspects of me. And contrary to what you may have heard in prison, there is not a gay hispanic guy inside of me. (I miss you Pablo.)

And that’s a problem. But I kind of disagree with the half-assed way of curing things like that, which is to say turning a straight (why are we called straight, by the way? WTF does that even mean?) character gay. How about we just create new characters? (On the other hand, it would be interesting if Jack from Lost was mysteriously turned into an Argentinian trans-sexual.) For one thing, it comes off less as progress and more as a cheap marketing stunt to make money. So was this the former or the latter? Well, since Joss says it was a one time thing, I’m guessing it was cheap marketing stunt.

That doesn’t bother me too much, except I felt like it cheapened the character. And it isn’t b/c she went gay. Hell, in my dreams Buffy, Sidney Bristow and Miley Cyrus have a nightly dildo show (Oh yeah! I went there!). My problem is that Satsu went all out, giving Buffy the Works (or in this case the Taco Salad) only to find out that she was just another notch in her bedpost. That’s not how you treat a sexy lady! Bad Buffy! Bad!

And the worst part is, she comes off like a stuck up Cheerleader who had too much to drink. You can totally imagine this exchange.

“Buffy… I love you.”

“I’m sorry… what did you say? I was totally just thinking about how cute I am in my new Louie Vitton shoes! SO CUTE!”

“I was just… I was saying… I love you. Buffy, I am so in love with you.”

“Ohhhh, sweetie… I know. And I don’t blame you. Mother Theresa would fuck me in these shoes. But I’m sorry… I’m not a lesbo.”

“Oh. Sorry I… ”

“I mean, sure, it’s one thing to get blasted on cocaine at Cheer camp and then fuck your Den Mother with a two- headed strap on… but I can’t be seen doing that with a girl in public!”

“I’m sorry! I never should have…”

“Yeahhhhhh… you really shouldn’t have.”

Satsu turns away, humiliated and despondent.

“Awww, sweetie, don’t be sad! It isn’t your fault that I’m built like a brick shithouse! You couldn’t help yourself. I tell you what! You can do me, and then it won’t be gay! But if ANYONE I know finds out, I’m totally gonna deny and say I hate lesbians. I may even tell people you raped me with your freakish lesbian strength. And then I’ll get your Dad fired from his job and you’ll be forced to buy your Prada at discount bins!”

And then she never mentions it again except when she tries to get her greasy haired rich boy husband to buy her a Porche (KOBE!).

“So, baby… when you gonna bring your sister around?”
The preceding Paris Hilton fantasy has been the insane ravings of a sex starved red neck who just wants to be loved.


I think we can all agree that the REAL Big Bad is playing with other people’s feelings for sexual gratification.


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