Women are from Saturn, Men are from Uranus

The Difference Between Women and Men

There’s a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate. Women insist that there aren’t any good men out there (which I suspect is because a woman’s definition of a “good man” is a little askew). Men bitch about how impossible it is to find single, decent girls (which I suspect is because it’s true). But I’m concentrating on the former here. Because I hear from a lot of women that they don’t understand men, that men are complicated and make no sense.

Okay ladies, for your benefit, I am about to explain to you in no uncertain terms the difference between men and women. If you listen to me you will learn pretty much all you need to know about men. More or less. Now the reason this is directed towards you and not men is because most guys already know this. That isn’t to say that we understand women. But we understand the difference between us.

So cutting to the chase, here it is, the secret of the sexes.

Women, by and large, try to make life more complicated than it has to be.
Men, by and large, try to make life easier than it’s supposed to be.

Put simply, women take the long, scenic route to arrive at a destination or decision, while men take the biggest shortcuts (which, to be fair, will mostly end with both parties out of gas in the woods about to be eaten by a bear).

I’ve told this to women before, and with few exceptions, they all responded the same way. “Wrong, wrong, wrong! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” If you’re thinking this, there’s a reason for it. You refuse to believe that it’s that simple. But it is, nothing complicated about it. And I’ll give you two fairly common examples. Common complaints between men and women.

1. Leaving the toilet seat up. To a woman, he should consider that she is going to need to use the bathroom at some point after him, and be considerate enough to put the toilet seat down in anticipation of that action. To a man, if we put the seat down, we’re just going to have to pick it back up again the next time. We’re saving valuable pissing time.

2. Women are often complaining that their man doesn’t listen to them; men on the other hand believe that their woman gives off confusing messages. The woman’s reasoning: “If you really care about me, you’ll take the time out to listen to what I’m saying, and read between the lines, instead of just going through the motions.” The man’s reasoning: “If you just said what you meant in the first place, we wouldn’t be fighting about this all the goddamn time.” Both sides are both reasonable and unreasonable to a degree. Guys: if you ask if you can go out with your boys and your girl is visibly upset but tells you to go, have the fucking brains to know that you should stay and find out what’s wrong. Ladies: he’s not a mind reader. He should know that you prefer dancing over movies, but there is no way he is going to know that you never talk about your sister’s buck teeth because her nick name was Bullwinkle in the third grade. Women are TERRIBLE at giving signals (like Ray Charles learning sign language) and men are RETARDED at interpreting them.

I’ll give you another key example. I understand that there is an episode of Sex and the City that was turned into a book called He’s Just Not That Into You.

NOTE: I do NOT watch Sex and the City. For the life of me, I cannot understand why women insist that they relate to a show that viciously and unrepentantly askews them as vapid, superficial whores. The show’s existence is an affront to your gender. The only reason I know anything about it is b/c it’s on every fucking channel whenever I’m trying to write. I can’t escape it. Plus Charlotte is hot.

But anyway, the book and episode posit that women will come up with extraordinarily ridiculous reasons to explain why the man they seek is into them, even though he clearly is not. One such reason: he’s playing hard to get. No he’s not. Men don’t play hard to get. At least not long term. A guy who’s good at picking out hapless girls might pretend not to be interested in you if he thinks it’ll get him laid quicker. But if a guy really likes you, he will find a way to tell you or show you.

NOTE: this is the only statement that I will make that is unquestionably true.

If a guy really cares about you, he will show you. Some guys aren’t good at saying I love you, and prefer to do it by being there for you whenever you need him. If your guy is emotionally unavailable, it isn’t going to work out. He isn’t going to change. He won’t grow to love you. It’s not that complicated. The only reason women find men confusing is because when a guy says something, you’re not listening for what he’s saying, you’re expecting what you want him to say. And when those two things conflict, of course you’re going to be confused. A man will tell you exactly who he is and what he wants, if you listen. If you’re having trouble figuring out why your boyfriend is only sweet to you when you’re alone, ask one of your guy friends. You’ll probably hear this: “He’s a dick. He just keeps you around to fuck you. And when he’s done, he’ll start fucking someone else.” That fact is usually clear with guys like that, but the women who date them, refuse to believe it’s that simple.

But it is.

Let me give you a real life example that was posed to me. I knew a girl from Ohio who asked me for advice about her baby sister. Her sister(“K”) met a boy (“D”) at a high school retreat when she was 16. K and D established an instant connection that was both friend and intimate. Unfortunately, they both had significant others. A year later, they were both free and she wanted to try dating, but he was afraid it would ruin their friendship.

NOTE: Men do NOT avoid dating the woman they love for this reason. It is pure bullshit. I don’t know if women use that reasoning, but men would rather take the risk. He’s not into you.

Everyone around K and D knew they were soul mates, perfect for one another, but his fear stood in their way. Soon he started dating someone else, and they lost touch for awhile. Then they found each other again. By then, they were both seeing someone else, but he confessed to K that he wanted to give it a try, that he was ready and was going to break up with his girlfriend. Which he did (isn’t that sweet?). He then showed up at her door in a grand gesture of love and told her that he had left the woman he was with and she should do the same so that they could be together! … And she said no. She liked the guy she was with, and had no intention of dumping him unceremoniously, regardless of the fact that she did still want to be with D. So what did D do? Did he tell her “You’re the one for me. I’ll prove it to you.”? Did he go to her window every night and serenade her? Did he say “I’ll wait until you’re ready.” and content himself in the knowledge that they were still best friends? No. He went back to the girl he had just dumped, said he made a mistake and got her back. The story went on from there, but I finally had to stop the girl who was telling it.

“Please stop. Your sister is NEVER going to be with this guy. He’s a douche. And he doesn’t really want to be with her, otherwise he would have made it happen the first time. Your sister should NOT leave the guy she’s with for this, and should probably get rid of D, who is obviously playing games with her.”

The girl’s response? Gratitiude? Epiphany? Thoughtfulness?

“Uh… NO. YOU’RE WRONG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. If you saw them together, if you asked anyone who knew them, you would see. They are meant to be together.” (Just as an aside, I HATE IT when someone asks for your advice, and then talks shit to you when you don’t tell them what they want to hear.)

Some of you may have come to the same conclusion as the girl telling the story. If so, read it again. Did you notice the pattern where he only wants to be with her when she isn’t available and there’s no chance of them being together? (and by the way, I think I’m forgetting a couple of “break ups” between K and D in the middle of the story.) This isn’t a love story. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks don’t finally get it together at the end. This is the story of a girl who doesn’t know how to say “You’re no good for me. You may not be intentionally hurtful, but you will only continue to hurt me as long as I stay with you.”

There’s a lot of women with that story. In fact, I have at least two more that I could tell you right now, but I won’t. It’s repetitive. Different story. Same ending.

Men are not complicated.

The thing is, no matter how smart a man is, we are all emotionally simplistic. We are very clear as to who we are and how we operate, you just have to pay attention and use your instincts instead of your emotions to control your judgment.

Communication is key. Ladies, when you’re looking for advice, don’t talk to your girlfriend who has been blissfully happy for a year. Talk to her grandmother who has been married for fifty. Her husband knows that when she puts her hand on his shoulder at night, it means she’s in the mood. She knows that when he gives her his last bit of steak it means he loves her. Or something to that effect, it’s hard to come up with good examples.

In closing, I want to say, I hope I haven’t come off as condescending to any of you. I have a great deal of respect for women. It’s just that I don’t believe most women possess Achem’s razor. (Note: Achem’s razor says that the simplest solution to a problem which meets all criterion is the correct one.) Hope I’ve been of help. Let the fireworks begin.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Ha – very good A!

    Reply

  2. Excellent! You sir, are completely correct.

    Reply

  3. Posted by geist0 on February 11, 2008 at 5:55 am

    True enough. Though I must say it is a true sign of intelligence for you to spot how brilliant I am. Good show, sir!

    Reply

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