Things We Should Just Goddamn Get Rid Of

We live in a world of excess. So much excess and eccentricity, in fact, that we have become oblivious to how ridiculous our society is. This is my tribute to some of the stupid shit we are inundated with on a daily basis.

the word “douchebag”- I blame Dane Cook for this one. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like ever since he called Karen a “bag of douche” the word has become more and more popular. Too popular in fact. These days everyone seems to be a douchebag. It’s said so often that I have come to believe that calling someone a douchebag does, in fact, make you a douche.

britney spears- This is why they don’t give people from Louisiana money. Look what we do with it. People love her because, as the patron saint of white trash vaginal wastes of spaces, she has become a living breathing reality soap opera, like the Truman Show on vicodin. But it’s about time for the Jerry Springer Road Show to come to an end. It’s time for everyone to get a life and stop giving a shit about this exercise in parental neglect.

girls shorts with writing on the back- Yeah, sometimes it’s hot. Mostly it’s not. And more often than otherwise it’s a signal flare for pedophiles. Why does a sixteen year old girl need the word “Juicy” written on her ass? It’s like a banner that says “Better get me pregnant before I’m legal!” Aren’t there better ways to let us know you’re a hoe-bag?

gangsta rap, thug rap, or any future form with a violent prefix- Yes, we know. You’re hard core. You do coke and meth. Your ride is fly stupid silly dope-izzle. You’ve been to prison (which is a curious sign of masculinity considering you were probably face-fucked by a guy named Bobo, but I digress). You rape and kill women, including your sister. We get it. Not impressed. You suck. Let’s move on.

and while I’m at it…

punk music- Did you know that punk wasn’t actually a style of music or fashion? That’s why the Sex Pistols, The Ramones and Black Flag sound absolutely nothing alike. Punk was a reaction to the trend of Corporate Rock (cock rock as its called). The pioneers of punk just wanted to make the most vile obnoxious music they could, like attacking yuppies with vikings. These days what people consider punk is bands like Blink 182 (who is sponsored by a corporation) and Avril Lavigne. Joey Ramone is dead, let punk go with him.

METAL- Ozzy is a reality TV star and Metallica has become a bunch of whiney pussies who run to the police to arrest 13 year olds for downloading music. The Old Gods are gone. Declare Metal DOA and call it a day.

anti-drug commercials- To be clear, I am firmly anti-drug and have absolutely no sympathy for anyone who uses them. That being said, these useless commercials make me want to kill myself. They don’t do anything. In fact, there was one commercial where a girl gets accosted for her marajuana use by her fucking chihuahua. That is the most satanic shit I have ever seen. Even I wanted to get fucked up after watching that.

the war on drugs- Again, I hate drugs. But the supposed “war on drugs” is a sham. The government could cripple drug smuggling and manufacturing if it wanted. They don’t want to. They just want it to look like they’re doing something (come to think of it, that seems to be standard practice on all gov’t issues). It’s there so rich people can feel like the police they’re bribing are out at all hours beating the shit out of poor people.

celebrities in rehab- It’s annoying because news services report them as actual news, when in fact it’s just a worm eating up memory in my brain. Is there any illusion that these people won’t be knee deep in pussy, vodka and heroin the second they get out? It’s a publicity stunt.

celebrities who give their kids stupid names- Kal-El Cage (Nic Cage). Pilot Inspektor Lee (Jason Lee). Blanket Jackson (Michael Jackson). Audio Science Sossamon (Shannyn Sossamon). Rumer Willis (Demi Moore). It’s sort of like there’s running contest among famous people to see who can come up with the most retarded name. Frank Zappa has been winning since the 60’s. If WW3 ever comes, PLEASE let them bomb Hollywood first.

the Mexicanization of America- Why do I see dual language banners everywhere I go? I can’t take a piss without being asked if I want to shake it off in Spanish. WTF? What really gives you an understanding about how crazy things are, is Walmart. There’s a line of Spanish translation Harry Potter novels available. Illegal immigrants must be doing pretty well if they’re worried about buying their kids fucking Harry Potter books.

movies based on video games- Street Fighter 2… nuff said.

unnecessary personalized license plates- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a personalized license plate, per se. But there are far more retarded plates than cool ones out there. Yesterday I saw a Miata with M8DU LK. It took at least ten minutes before I realized that it says Made You Look. And it doesn’t really say that. And what the fuck does that mean, anyway? My favorite is the 86 Toyota that has FliNbiU

EMO kids-  You know, when Goth kids think you’re a pussy, you have a problem.   Somebody needs to make these kids do some fucking push-ups.

“Time Outs”-  Enough of this bullshit; it doesn’t work. Your kid has a big screen TV an X-Box 360 and the internet with instant access to porn.  He’s fucking eight.  And to punish him, you send him to his room.   You are a bad parent.  If you don’t beat your kid’s ass every once in a while, then you have no right to complain when he grows up a worthless asshole.

men in denial about their steroid abuse- We know. We’ve always known. You’re an obnoxious prick with a tiny dick. Deal with it.

Michael Moore, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rush Limbaugh- Pig on a spit.   That’s all I’ve got to say.

(Yes, I know Rush is Right Wing; he’s still an asshole.)

and while we’re at it, toss Tom Cruise-  When was the last decent movie he did?  Wait… has he EVER done a great movie?  Fuck’im.  He’s a whack job.  Back to Xenu, fuckwit.

That’s all I got for now.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Becky on April 3, 2008 at 11:22 am

    I love your site! Linked from your Pop Candy featured reader bio adn I am now addicted! I also agree with 99.9% of your list of things to get rid of!

    Reply

  2. Thank you very much Becky! It’s always nice to know someone’s listening.

    I’ll probably update the list periodically when I think of more things we should get rid of.

    Reply

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