Why You Fuckers Should Love Me

You’ve had dreams about me, admit it. You think about me during the day; have imaginary conversations with me… sometimes you pretend we’re making out. At night, you are overcome by torrid sexual fantasies. It’s alright. It’s perfectly natural. And likewise it’s natural that you would have questions about me… things you were too afraid to ask. Well now I’m going to let you know every intimate detail, and if you’re willing to listen, Adam is gonna make love to your ear, baby.

I’m going to do an interview. And who better to interview me, than… ME!

Let’s get this orgy started! (Because that’s how Adam gets down.)

ADAM (INTERVIEWER) : Hey there, slick!

ADAM: Hello.

AI: Would it be inappropriate for me to tell you just how FUCKING SEXY you are?

A: Right back at you kid.


AI: Anyway, down to business.

A: I thought you would never ask.

AI: So, Adam… may I call you Adam?

A: No, no…. sir will do.

AI: Of course, sir. What inspires you?

A: Wow. You don’t pull punches do you? Hmm. Well, I’d have to say human triumph over adversity. I love that moment when someone succeeds against all odds. I think it’s because that’s the way I view myself, as an underdog. I think the idea of a man doing what they say can’t be done speaks to something in all of us. Also… I am inspired by a woman with a sweet caboose.

AI: Aren’t we all, sir. Aren’t we all. Now, if you could have two jobs besides your current career path, what would they be.

A: Celebrity Photographer and Formula One Driver. I’m addicted to speed.

AI: And the photography?

A: Well, I love photography. I think the idea of a picture is amazing. Go through your photo albums sometime and look at them. Just look. What a photo really is, is a moment frozen in time. Plus, I hear celebrities are all sluts, so I think it would be a good move socially.

AI: Right. Well, on that note: what do you look for in a woman?

A: Enormous breasts.


A: No seriously, gigantic tits. Write that down.

AI: I’m right there with you. We’re almost the same guy. But, is there anything else?

A: Not really. … Well, you know… the normal things. Sense of humor is a big one. I think she has to be unique on some level, like having a fresh perspective, a way of looking at things that no one else does. Intelligence and organization. I’m really loose when it comes to being organized.

AI: How do you feel about public displays of affection?

A: I’m totally up for outdoor naughty time.

AI: Good to know. Celebrity crushes.

A: In the “makes my pants get tight” category, I’d have to go with Katherine Heigl and Eva Mendez. In the “Please Marry Me” section, I have singer Miranda Lambert and actress Sophia Bush. I may be willing to sell my soul for the last two.

AI: Oh, me too. Me too. What are your favorite television shows?

A: Off the bat: Babylon 5, Alias, Veronica Mars, One Tree Hill, Firefly, Angel, Buffy, News Radio, Mad About You, Roswell, Heroes, Chuck, Life, Grey’s Anatomy, the Colbert Report

AI: What is your favorite movie quote?

A: I love John Francis Daley’s line at the end of Waiting.

“Oh you shut up asshole! Always gotta be right with your little quips! We get it man! You’re cool and edgy! Yeah! You’re the coolest guy at Shennanigans! Thats like being the smartest kid with DOWNS Syndrome.”

AI: So while we’re on that train, what are your favorite movies?

A: Garden State is a big one, simply because if I had any talent, that’s the movie I would have made.

AI: You’re being much too modest.

A: You’re right, I am. Other than that… Return of the Jedi had a big effect on me as a kid. As did Stripes. Also Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Pirates of the Caribbean, Oceans 11 and X2. I could go on.

AI: Please don’t.

A. Right. Next question.

AI: What’s your favorite dirty word?

A: Succulent. It is the dirtiest word in the English language.

AI: How so?

A: Just try it the next time you’re going down on a chick. It works. Trust me.

AI: Will do. Now, who are your favorite musical artists?

A: Chesney, Led Zepplin, Paisley, McGraw, Miranda Lambert, Tori Amos, CCR, ACDC, and Stone Temple Pilots

AI: What are some of your favorite books?

A: I’m really into autobiographical books, like Have a Nice Day! A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks by Mick Foley and If Chins Could Kill by Bruce Campbell. Also, The First Counsel by Brad Meltzer and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

AI: If you were stuck on a desert island and could have three comedians there to entertain you, who would they be?

A: Right on; tough one! Dave Attell would be there so we could talk about crazy shit. Lewis Black would be there to rant. And I would want Laura Kightlinger there. She would make me laugh and then we would totally fuck.

AI: Mmmmmmm… Kightlinger vage… niiiiiiceee.

A: I know, right? Totally hot.

AI: Okay, let’s do some lightning round questions.

AI: Best concert experience.

A: Chesney 2006 at the Cajundome with Dierks Bentley

AI: Food you couldn’t live without?

A: Mandarin Chicken

AI: Favorite vacation spot.

A: Walt Disney World

AI: Three countries you want to see before you die.

A: Australia, Italy and France.

AI: Nicknames?

A: The Crazy Mexican, and a bunch of other things I don’t want to talk about.

AI: And now I would like to go through the questionnaire made popular by that pretentious hairy ball sack faced James Lipton.

1. What is your favorite word?
A: I’m gonna have to go with Titties. It is also my favorite thing ever.

2. What is your least favorite word?
A: She-male.

3. What turns you on?
A: Titties. It’s sort of an all-purpose answer.

4. What turns you off?
A: Rap music.

5. What sound do you love?
A: Guitars, and babies laughing.

6. What sound do you hate?

A: Rubbing balloons. Rap music.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

A: Fuckwit.
8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: I would want to be a Broadway singer/ dancer. Or a rock star.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

A: Clean public restrooms.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

A: “Come here you sick motherfucker! Where the hell you been?? Miranda Lambert’s been waiting inside for you, and she just told me she wants to s— your c—!”

AI: Alright, any final words you’d like to leave with your audience?

A: If you suck it just right, I’ll leave you a creamy delight!

AI: Well said, sir. I salute you.


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