Archive for April, 2008

Shit We Need to Get Back

I’m trying to loose weight and save money. Often those two goals refuse to cooperate, but every once in a while you get a happy coincidence. To that end, I’m trying to bring my lunch to work instead of spending money. That’s right, I’m brown bagging it. Except I don’t want to bring a damn brown paper bag to work every day. Some of you will scoff (do people still scoff? well, fuck it, they should.), but I want a lunch box.

That’s right, I want a real live (well, not really live…) honest to g-o-d lunch box. And not just any lunch box. I want one with the Transformers on it. And not the new cartoon or the new movie Transformers. I want the real deal. Optimus Prime. Hot Rod. Sunstreaker or Starscream. Whatever. Or maybe I could have one with M.A.S.K. on it. I don’t care! But I want mah frakkin lunch box!

Except they don’t seem to sell them anymore. WHAT THE HELL? Do people just buy their third grader lunch these days? How do the kids know whose super cool anymore? Where did the world go wrong???? Remember the days when a pair of L.A. Gear and a GI Joe lunch box made you the baddest mother fucker ever? I need that back! I just know when I show up to work with my Scooby Doo lunch pail, the girls will know then and there that they have to have my cock in their mouths. (One at a time, ladies. There’s enough repressed sexual frustration to go around.)

Anyway, that made me think.

Shit has gone wrong. The world has gone awry, even.

We need to go back and take the things that made life worth living. The world took a step in the right direction with the resurrection of Neil Patrick Harris’ career. Doogie Hauser has been saving the world, one gay dude at a time. Now here’s a few more things that we can bring back to save the planet.

GI JOE. We need a real American hero! Someone to let us know that knowing is half the knowing… or something. I forget. Right now, Hollywood is making the Joes into a live action film. Except their turnin Duke and Snake Eyes into a team of United Nations pussies. They’re not even American anymore! WTF? And now, because the pussies in charge don’t want to offend anybody, Cobra Commander is being replaced by a Scottish terrorist. First of all, fuck you. Cobra Commander, Destro, Serpentor… one or all three… irre-fuckin-placeable! Second, there’s no such goddamn thing as a Scottish terrorist. You know why? Because Scottish people are awesome. If Scotland decided to take over the world, the UN would gather up their collective pussy asses, bend over and say “Please rape our tushies.” You know why? Because they’re badass. Their national food consists of killing every goddamn animal they can find and shoving the meat inside of a sheep’s stomach. Do you really want a piece of someone who eats shit like that?? When a Scot fights, he shows up in a kilt, no underwear, brandishing a six foot sword, and says “BY cock or by claymore, yuir gon down, lad.” Fuck that. … where was I? Oh yeah! Bring back GI Joe!

A BLACK MICHAEL JACKSON Before all that plastic surgery… back when he wasn’t molesting children (in public at least)… Mikey used to just grab his crotch in front of wind tunnels and make good music. That’s right! He used to be a musician instead of the God which Jerry Springer worships at his unholy alter. Look, there’s a reason that Chris Cornell and Fall Out Boy have been covering his music. It’s awesome. (Have you heard Cornell do Billie Jean? Download it NOW. It kicks ridiculous amounts of ass.) I don’t quite know how to make him black again. Maybe we could melt hershey’s kisses and make him bathe in it. Or force him to watch nothing but Samuel L. Jackson movies for a year. Fuck, I don’t know. Scientists, figure it out!

MOHAWKS I’m bringing this one back myself. We need mohawks to show people… I don’t know what. But we need it. Just because. And you know what? Let’s bring mullets back too. Business in the front. Party in the back. Hell. Yeah.

MEMBERS ONLY JACKETS No particular reason. I just want to make fun of guys with members only jackets.

NINTENDO Fuck the Wii. Fuck PS3 and X-Box 3blowme. I want the original nintendo back. The one where Link looks like a goddamn Oompaloompa. The one where Mike Tyson didn’t just bite off your ear, he bit off your whole fucking head. I expect kids to know “the code”. And I want a Power Glove. I never got one as a kid. Yeah, I know… the Wii-mote is a thousand times more powerful. Well you know what? I can’t pretend to be Robocop with the damn Wii-mote, so it ain’t shit. I want the 8 bit, blow in the deck, 3 button control, less RAM than a microwave oven Nintendo. And I want it now.

THE MIAMI VICE AND PAT BENETAR LOOKS The 80s were a crazy time, but damn it, men were (slightly gay looking) men and women were thinly veiled whores (as opposed to modern women who are completely unveiled whores).

NEW WAVE Look, I liked Alternative in the 90s. And yeah, the new pop rock bands have some bright shining stars. But it just doesn’t compare. Bring back New Wave. Bring back AHA! And who is going to wake me up before I go go? Current lead singers suck. And the hold overs from the late 80s/ 90s are… well.. Metallica is a bunch of whiney pussies. Axl Rose got his ass kicked by a fashion designer. We need Steve Perry and Journey to blow us all away. (As opposed to Culture Klub, who would just blow us all.) And I want my Giggolo David Lee Roth. FUCK EDDIE VAN HALEN. Because I DO run with the devil. I AM hot for teacher. And I might as well jump. And you know what else?!?!?! PANAMA. Just… panama. (I have no end for this paragraph.)

RONALD REGAN We need a strong leader. Better yet, we need someone we actually like. I’m with Lewis Black on this. I say bring back Ronnie. Haul his decomposing cookies out of that ditch. Then
shelack him so his head doesn’t fall off during a speech. And finally just digitally synthesize his voice. Or have Rich Little do impressions of him off stage, I don’t give a shit. Nancy won’t mind. We’ll just make sure his dick is hard before we crystalize him. She’ll be cool with it. (Nancy loves the cock.) We need him back! He was strong, likable and cool. He named an entire branch of economics after himself. The man created defense system and named it fucking STAR WARS. Do you have any idea how fucking crazy that is?? That’s like GW Bush naming the war in Iraq Operation Bourne Identity. Regan basically told the world “I got lazers and nukes coming out of my ass. I will blow the shit out of you from the goddamn moon.” Iran, Iraq, Al Queada, Mexico… every last one would back the fuck off if we had dead, plastic Ronald Regan with a raging hard on and STAR WARS staring them down.

That’s all I got for now. Let me know if you want to bring anything else back.


The Devil Went Down to Florida pt 1

For most of my political knowledge (mind you, not my opinions) I read the articles at There’s other things there besides politics, but with few exceptions, that’s all they’re really good for, news and politics. I still peek around, though. There’s this article for instance, in which one of their travel writers examines why on Earth any adult, lacking kids would choose to spend their money and time at Walt Disney World Resort.

And then he pisses all over it.

Now, I’m a Disney person. So right away, I have to admit that I was predisposed to hating the article. I used to live there as part of the Disney College Program. And though my time there was often filled with personal trials, Lake Buena Vista and the surrounding areas are still home to me. So like any hometown boy, I get a might riled when someone talks smack about my people. And I do look at it that way. My three favorite subjects are breasts, Country music and Disney, in that order. (Yeah, I know. I have issues.) I just can’t tell you how in love I am with the parks. But it’s more than that. It isn’t just the rides and the sweets and the bikini clad girls on hot days. It’s all of it.

I always start out small, with the Animal Kingdom. It’s best to go on a cold day, because when it’s warm or wet, the overbearing humidity from all the foliage makes me fell like I’m right back in Louisiana, except there it’s much prettier. The Tree of Life is an impressive feat of ingenuity. Sure it doesn’t look like a real tree, but that fact makes it feel no less alive. It is your central compass for the often confusing, sprawling area within the Animal Kingdom. The AK isn’t just a park, you see. It’s an actual wildlife preserve, and while the park is smaller than both Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, the area that the park and the preserve span is bigger than the MK and Epcot combined. And then some.

I like to start off my days with a smile and a show, and I always find both deep within the winding passages of the Tree of Life. There at the base, under the roots, you will find It’s Tough to be a Bug!, one of Disney’s many interactive shows. This one stars Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall, Newsradio) as Flik from Pixar’s A Bug’s Life. The shows like Tough to be a Bug are among my favorite attractions. Sure, I’ve seen them all literally countless times. But despite the fact that you’re watching the equivalent of a cartoon short over and over again, it never feels repetitious to me. I suppose it has a lot to do with the level of familiarity we have with the characters. I’m not just watching a show. It’s more like I’m visiting old friends.

Moving on from the Tree of Life, I start to kick it into overdrive. You see, unlike most people, I’m just not into animals; so the various attractions that take advantage of the nature preserve aspect of the park do nothing for me. Instead, I bolt for one of my favorite new attractions in all of the Resort, Expedition Everest. Everest takes the concept of climbing Mount Everest and confronting the Abominable Snow Man and turns it into a roller coaster. It goes forwards, backwards and upside down. Now here’s the thing, I’m afraid of heights. Scared to death. So on that long, slow trek up the mountain as the car rides up the rails and you can hear the steady “tick, tick, tick” of the track, I am holding on for dear life. And yet still, there is a moment towards the top where I have to unclench my eyes and look out. And there I see a whole world. Down at the base, ant-like people waving and smiling. A little up I can see the Tree of Life and an endless ocean of lush green forest. And on the rare occasion when I’m willing to brave the front seat, the peak provides a short glimpse of the entire resort. Mostly there’s more of that sea of green, but then you can see peaking into the sky the Epcot geodesic dome, The Tower of Terror and Cinderella’s Castle (I think).

From there I rush over to ride Dinosaur!, which provides a trip through time after a short video starring Felicia Rashad from the Cosby Show and, uhh… Cosby. It’s not my favorite ride. I think it’s rip off of Universal Studios’ Jurassic Park ride and Disneyland’s (much better) Indiana Jones ride. But inevitably, whoever I’m with at the time loves it, and there aren’t that many more things for me in the park anyway. Then I do a quick stop at Primeval Whirl, which is a cramped four person ride that spins around constantly while going up and down and round and round on a track. I’m not sure why spinning around is so fun. But it is.

From there we pop over to the Khali River Rapids, which was previous my favorite AK ride (now it’s Everest). I love water rides. I guess I just love water. And Kali River Rapids provides it in spades. It’s one of those giant white water rapid rides where you’re lumped in a giant tire with a bunch of strangers and (especially with the ladies) regretting your choice of a white t-shirt and the lack of flip flops. By the end of fast, tossing, splashing ride, you’re soaked. Of course, I’m a professional, so I wore a bathing suit that day. And yes, that was probably me laughing at you ringing out your socks. And the guy staring at your wet t-shirt? Mm-hmm. ; ]

By then I’m ready to go on to other parks, but there’s so much more there for everyone.   Shows, exhibits and even a live  Safari.  The Animal Kingdom takes the concept of a zoo and elevates it to a jungle adventure.

Next up:  Disney MGM Studios