Archive for May, 2008

Jessica Alba Likes It Huge

Jessica Alba likes it huge.

That’s what I found in my inbox today.

I’m sick of this shit, and I have to say something.  And since I’m apparently not getting on stage to do my act, I’m gonna say it here.   What the fuck?!   Why do the spammers send that shit to me?  What makes them think I have a small dick?  Look I’m not saying I do and I’m not saying I don’t… I’m just saying, why me?

IS there a fucking camera in my shower when I’m rubbing one out to morning wood? Do I live in the goddamn house from Big Brother?  Is there an Asian bitch with a mic and a camera saying shit like “the polls are in and it’s official, America thinks Adam… has a small dick.  And he’s voted out of the house.”  WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m sick of this shit.  I’m sick of women bitching and moaning because their dude can’t bludgeon them to death with his penis.  Look, if you get stuck with small tits, you can get big fake stripper titties with nipples that point in six different directions and we won’t say a goddamn thing as long as we get to suck on them.  Because no one complains about implants whey they’ve got a big fat titty in their mouth.  But it doesn’t work the same way for us.  I can’t just velcro a baseball bat to my cock and give you the ol’ pickle tickle without breaking my dick.  It doesn’t work that way.

And yet the world shuns us average men.   That’s right, I said it.  Shuns!  You bitches would fuck a kid with DOWNS Syndrome if he was packing heat.  You’d throw him on the floor, play pop-up on his cock-up and rock his world, and slap his face screaming “GIVE IT TO ME YOU SLOTH-FROM GOONIES LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!  RIDE ME LIKE A TWO SEATER BICYCLE WITH A HAIRY PUSSY!!! IF YOU JUST DID THE DISHES AND PUT DOWN THE SEAT I’D MARRY YOU, YA FUCKING TRIPOD!”   And you would love it.

Well that’s just wrong.  And you ladies should be ashamed of yourselves. And now I have to worry about Jessica Alba’s obsessive need for gorilla-dick?  Well, shit, I’d hate to disappoint the bitch from Dark Angel and Good Luck Chuck with the asshole that practically screams “bullseye for Adam’s man sausage” and boobs that are just aching for my hot man chowder!  We wouldn’t want that!

It’s time someone stood up for the … uhh… little guy!  RIGHT FELLAS?????  RIGHT???????

Right?
…. anybody?

Uhhh… I’m just bullshitting.  I’m walking with a lamp post.  Huge. Massive.  Like Ron Jeremy with slightly smaller man-tits (mits).

p.s.  my apologies to anyone afflicted with DOWNS Syndrome and their families… or anyone who looks like Sloth, that would be kinda fucked up.  I sorta look like Chunk and the asian kid had a gay baby, maybe we could be friends.

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Indiana Jones is Still My Idol

Normally I go to bed at 11 every night. I wake up at 6, having not quite gotten 7 hours sleep, and then I head to work. As I get older with each passing day, I find that I no longer have that itching desire of youth to stay out until the wee hours and take back the night. No, I’m tired, I’d rather sleep. Particularly when I have work the next morning.

But last night I made an exception. The last Indiana Jones film had a midnight screening. The first wide release screening. Sure, I was old and tired. But I couldn’t resist staying up all night to see Harrison Ford don the fedora and whip one last time. Like many kids of the 80s, I grew up wanting to be Indiana Jones. He was the coolest of the cool. Not like Schwarzenneger or Stallone. He wasn’t the strongest or the fastest. Indy mainly survived by his wits and his smarts. But he still managed kick ridiculous amounts of ass when the occasion called for it. The last true Icon of our generation. It’s Indiana Jones.

Of course, I was never delusional. George Lucas has long since lost his mind in the fantastic, glittering, neon world of CGI-land. And Indy is old now. Not to mention the fact that people have been waiting for this movie since the late 80s, and it’s impossible to live up to that kind of hype. So I knew going in that there was a very good chance this movie could suck.

So did it?

The short answer is no. The more realistic one is “maybe” depending on how you look at things. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. But it’s VERY flawed. And it’s mainly do to two things.

The Script

Lucas didn’t write the script this time, he just came up with the story. And another writer actually got the thankless job of making Nu-Lucas’s ideas work. And there’s times where he does just that and times when he doesn’t. But I’ll get to that in a moment.

The first and third Indiana Jones films centered around Christian mythology, which worked tremendously. In part, that’s because people are somewhat familiar with the artifacts (the Ark and the Grail, respectively). The second film, Temple of Doom, centered around… uh… I don’t really remember. I kind of mentally checked out during that flick about the time they started eating monkey brains. EWW. (Harrison Ford was doing Fear Factor in the 80s, kids!) I do remember that tan dude pulling that other tan dude’s heart out of his chest. But I digress. Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls also features a religious artifact (Incan, I believe) as the basis for the story, but from there… the story just kind of goes to new levels of ridiculous. Without giving anything away, I will say that when I found out the secret of the skull (which is hinted at EARLY into the film. EARLY.) I felt like I was watching scenes from another movie spliced in. I moved past it, but the story doesn’t really jive with the concept of Indiana Jones, and it is very disconcerting at times.

The actual writer did pretty well over all. The one complaint I had, particularly through the first half, was that many times it felt like this movie was someone’s bad impression of what they think an Indy movie is. Like, there’s plenty of classic Indy-isms present. Like how he spontaneously comes up with long speeches about ancient cultures which miraculously end up the keys to solving and ancient text which allows him to blah blah blah seemingly out of nowhere. And how he miraculously is ALWAYS in the right place at the right time for some one in a billion accident which leads to a discovery which unearths something thats has eluded humanity for thousands of years. And lets not forget his rapscallion charm, which allows him to bed anything with panties and a set of sweater puppies (and I suspect that annoying Indian kid from Temple of Doom) no matter how bad he’s fucked up. None of those things are complaints. Its one of the reasons why we love Indiana Jones. But here it feels kind of forced from time to time. But after a while, you forget most of that, and suddenly you’re lost in another Indiana Jones adventure. (HIGHLIGHT THE FOLLOWING TEXT FOR SPOILERS) that is until the aliens show up.

The Casting

Let me just say that I don’t dislike Shia Lebouef (although I do hate his name. seriously, WTF?). I don’t think he ruined Transformers. And I actually liked him in Hellblazer… err, Constantine. But the thing is, (spoiler text, highlight) he just isn’t the kind of guy I could see as Indiana Jones’ son. He wasn’t horrible. Just not that great a choice. I think they just wanted some young, hot Hollywood face. Similarly, I think Cate Blanchett was a poor choice as the villain. It’s not that she didn’t do a good job. But during the first scene in the film, her put-upon Russian/ Ukraine accent is noticeably missing several times when she speaks. It’s distracting. At the VERY least they should have re-shot it.

And of course, if you were waiting for a Sean Connery cameo, prepare to be disappointed. He is mention several times, though. And they show you a picture of him. Not that it makes up for anything.

But the one great piece of casting news is the return of Karen Allen as Marion. The whole audience cheered when she first appeared on screen. Also a lot of the old Indy screen chemistry sort of flooded into the film as suddenly as she came back into Jones’ life. Their chemistry is a large part of what made the film satisfying. I which I could say her and Shia Leboeuffee (HOW DO YOU SPELL IT????) also had chemistry. But for two people who are supposed to be mother and son, I got the distinct impression these were two people who met in an elevator. Nevertheless, she was great. And to be honest with you, that is one cougar I wouldn’t mind stuffing and mounting.

Harrison Ford

They didn’t ignore the fact that Ford is old. So is Indy. They acknowledge the fact that he can’t do things as easily as he used to. But he still does them. I was doubtful at first, but it was all there. That old Indy magic. Ford did an awesome job at making me believe in heroes once again.

The Final Analysis

As I said, this is a flawed film… one that sadly could have been fixed with a little script polishing (and a lot less George “I’ve got a fantastic idea! We can make it better!” Lucas). But the bottom line is, every time I heard that horn section playing DUN-DU-DUN-DUH! DUN-DU-DUHN! … my heart raced and my face lit up. And I was more than satisfied with the ending. If that’s the way Henry Jones, Jr. goes out, with his lady on his arm and his trademark fedora on head… I’m okay with that. And even after all these years…

I still want to be Indiana Jones.

Is It 1984 Yet?

I have mixed feeling about Freedom of Speech. It’s not that I don’t believe in it; I just feel that too many people abuse it. You see Freedom has a price. Or to put it far more eloquently, I turn to Thomas Jefferson:

“The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.”

You can speak freely in this country, but you must take full responsibility for your words. And too many people gloss over that last part. It’s part of the entitlement issue. People feel they are entitled to these rights and they don’t have to earn them. So they tell the world to go fuck itself. Interestingly, I find it is these same people that are constantly trying to infringe on the rights of those that they don’t agree with.

What I’m talking about is the word racist. Let’s be clear. I’m not talking about racism. I’m talking about the WORD “racist” and how it’s bandied about loosely. It seems we’re living in the new age of McCarthyism, except racist is the new communist. There is a large portion of the United States that is afraid to say anything regarding their opinions, because they know the minute they say something remotely conservative or INTELLIGENT, someone is going to shout the worst four letter word in the English language. Racist. And as soon as the word is applied to you, even if there isn’t a shread of truth to the accusation, EVEN IF THE WORD DOES NOT EVEN APPLY TO THE SITUATION, you are tried, condemned and blacklisted. No judge, no jury… you are instantly guilty even when proven innocent.

The fact is, more people got upset when Don Imus said “nappy headed ho’s” than when Michael Jackson raped a child. I’m not debating whether or not Imus is prejudiced or if he should have been fired. My point is, isn’t there something wrong there? Doesn’t that say our priorities are out of order?

The fact is, a lot of things are out of order in this country. The Thought Police are everywhere, and people like me aren’t allowed to speak our minds. When did Freedom of Speech become a commodity solely under the jurisdiction of those with the biggest microphones? Why is it okay for you to try to sully the good name of hard working blue collar Red Necks, but the minute I say something you disagree with, I’m evil? It’s called hypocrisy. Look it up. There’s a lot of that shit going around.

The fact is nothing is going to change with things the way they are. Talking about racism and prejudice over and over ad infinitum isn’t helping matters. It’s making it worse. And there’s a reason for that. The US is one of the most sexually unhealthy nations in the world. But our sexual dysfunctions aren’t as a result of prudishness or an inability to talk about the subject. It’s a result our inability to talk frankly and honestly about it without a sense of fear or shame. Its about our inability to see it for what it is.

You want a world without prejudice? Well grow up. It isn’t going to happen. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a better world, though. But to get to that better world, you better stop judging others. Get off your moral high horse and look inward. You don’t have all the answers. No one does, including me. And we’re not going to get any closer to peace and prosperity through the abject dismissal of ordinary citizens who are just trying to express their opinions.

I am against illegal immigration. Illegal immigrants should be deported en masse, without appeal. They should NOT be given free health care and benefits at the expense of American taxpayers and Veterans Benefits (the gov’t cut funding for Veterans of our Armed Forces in order to provide the invading immigrants). They are criminals and should be treated (marginally) as such. This statement does not make me racist. It makes me someone with a basic knowledge of the American economy and the effects of adding 100 million PLUS job seekers into a country experiencing a major recession. There’s nothing prejudice about it. And there’s nothing prejudice about saying that we need to put a blockade on immigration from Mexico. And this is coming from a man whose Grandfather was a Filipino immigrant. Did you know that for a period of years there was a blockade on Asian immigrants entering the US, because so many were coming over that the Country would have been overrun by citizens of another nation. And they were right to do it then, just as we should do it now. It’s a logical solution. But someone is going to read that and say I’m a racist. They won’t actually pay attention to my words. They won’t stop to consider my ideas. They’ll say “racist!” and call Jesse Jackson and dismiss me as a human being.

And that’s why this country is in the shitter.

We better get our act together as a nation quick, because each day that passes brings us closer and closer to some kind of politically correct manifestation of an Orwellian Nightmare.

I feel like I’m living in 1984. And I’d like to wake up now.

(Sorry if I rambled on a bit there. My rants tend to get very stream of consciousness.)

Quote of the Day:

“Always be willing to fight what you believe in, it does not matter if a thousand people agree with you, or one person agrees with you. It doesn’t matter if you stay completely alone, fight for what you believe. Which brings me to the .. first piece of advice my dad ever gave me, and now I’m giving it to you. Never–”
“Never start a fight. But always finish it.”
“Always finish it.”

~J. Michael Straczynski

Twenty of My Favorite Films

It seems strange because it isn’t novel idea by any standard, but I know someone who did this on Myspace, and it made me want to do it. I’m a big movie buff. Just love them. I love so many in so many different ways, that I’m not sure I can put them in any specific order. I don’t necessarily have them ranked, it’s just that some I like more than others. But I’ll do my best.

20. Grease

Man I had such a crush on Olivia Newton John. I still do. I’ve seen this movie a hundred times. I still dig it, and love the songs.

19. The Great Outdoors

This was my favorite film when I was 9. I think it still holds up. It’s just great. Classic John Candy and Dan Ackroyd at their peak. Like most of my favorites, this is something I can still watch today.

18. Die Hard

You can’t have a list without Die Hard. Because… it’s fucking Die Hard!

17. Armageddon

Yeah, yeah. It’s a Michael Bay film. The plot makes no sense. But it’s balls to the wall action, with an awesome cast, and possibly the greatest bit of unintentional humor of all time.

16. Jersey Girl

People give Kevin Smith so much shit over this movie, because of Gigli and the whole Bennifer nonsense. The fact is this is his best film. It’s beautiful in more ways than I describe. Not to mention the fact that Affleck proves once again that yes, he can act. Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

15. Stripes

Fuck this is a great flick. This is one of those movies as a kid that made me want to be a comedian. Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Judge Reinhold, and John Candy! Sometimes when the going gets rough I remind myself that like Ox I too am a MEAN. LEAN FIGHTING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!

Also I want to have sex in a trunk. And an RV. And Communist Russia.

14. My Best Friend’s Wedding

This isn’t just a hilarious movie sporting Julia Roberts on one of the few times that she actually is a knockout (not to mention Cameron Diaz). It also happens to be the first realistic romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.

13. Beverly Hills Cop 2

Eddie Murphy was never funnier than in this movie. Which is kind of sad. It was pretty much all downhill after this film. Still, it holds up all these years later.

12. Good Morning Vietnam

Robin Williams was my idol growing up. Seeing him now as his own worst impersonator depresses the shit out of me. But whenever I want to go back and see the real Williams, I pop this in. It reminds me that, yes, Robin Williams is the shit.

11. Cars

I had to put a Disney film on this list simply because I am a Disney nut. I’ll grant you that technically this is a Pixar film, but even so. It was this or The Incredibles. This won out simply because this is the last one I watched, and I watched it just about eight times. It seems ridiculous off the bat (not to mention completely illogical) but there’s something incredibly charming and funny about this film about anamorphic automobiles. It also brings me back to my time in Arizona. I can’t wait for Cars 2.

10. Pirates of the Carribean

He’s Captain jack Sparrow, love. How can you NOT dig this movie? The perfect blend of action, comedy, and horror… and it’s a Disney movie… based on a frickin ride!

9. Walk the Line


I saw this because I’m a Cash fan and I didn’t know much about his history. And it was beautiful. Joachin Phoenix and Reese Withspoon did an amazing job.

8. Serenity

Firefly is one of my all-time favorite shows. Though the movie spinoff is much darker… hell, it’s still chock full of Whedon-y goodness. And I have a man crush on Nathan Fillion. So there’s that. This movie makes me proud to be a Browncoat.

7. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Indiana Jones is one of the last true Icons of my generation. I chose Crusade because it has Sean Connery in it, therefore making it twice as awesome. I also love John Rhys Davies’ last line.

6. X2

The second X-Men film is arguably the best live action comic based movie that’s been made so far. There wasn’t a whole lot of Cyclops, but aside from that complaint, this movie delivered better than advertised. It’s pretty much a two hour geek-gasm.

5. Ocean’s 11 (2001)

I can watch this movie over and over again and never get sick of it. It’s just fantastic. It made me like Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. Soderbergh’s best work. Brilliant story. Great Actors. Awesome Cinematography. Like Benedict, I never saw it coming.

4. Transformers (1986)

Fuck Keanu Reeves. I’m down with the original Matrix, bitches! R.I.P. Optimus Prime.

3. Batman Mask of the Phantasm

Ask any real fan what the best Bat-film was and you’re likely to get one response: Phantasm. No live action movie will ever come close to doing what this animated film was does. It puts the one true vision of Batman on the screen.

2. Garden State

This is the movie I would make if he hadn’t done it first. It’s about life, and pain, and acceptance. It’s just beautiful. And incredibly funny.

1. Return of the Jedi

It’s damn near impossible to choose just one of the Star Wars films, but I’ve always been partial to Jedi. Not sure why. Maybe it’s the yub yub song. Or Vader vs Luke. Nah, I know what it is! Three words:
LEIA’S. METAL. BIKINI.

Jon Stewart is Blowing Obama

You heard me. Jon Stewart is giving Barack Obama the softest and most protracted blow job ever… on public television.

Seriously, am I the only one who is sick of the Daily Show? It stopped being funny when they started winning news awards. Suddenly it stopped being so fun and funny. Suddenly the egos on and off camera started thinking they were real journalists. And Jon Stewart is the worst one. He may as well be Oprah Winfrey the way he acts. It sickens me because Stewart was one of my favorite comedians when I was a kid. I loved his MTV talk show and his act and pretty much everything else he did. Yes, even that retarded part in Half Baked.

And I’m sure his opinions were the same then as they are now. And that’s fine. I have no problem with people with differing opinions than mine. I do however have a problem with a moron with a public forum reinforcing the media machine image that white people are bad and racist and should be punished for shit that someone else did in the past who may or may not be an ancestor of theirs.

Last night for instance. Hillary Clinton won out the polls in West Virginia. So Stewart question how that could possibly be. (Because it isn’t possible that his booty buddy could lose is it?) So he shows clips from local news stations. Here’s the gag. You know that old joke/ stereotype that news crews only put the dumbest black person they can find on the air? (Nevermind the fact that in general everyone who is interviewed by the news is a moron, regardless of their skin color. Or the possibility that there aren’t that many intelligent people walking around looking for robberies and news crews to talk about how crazy gas prices are… because, most of us having a fucking job.) Yeah, that stereotype. Well, guess what? He reversed it and put clips of stupid white people up! OH SNAP! Guess what this fine piece of investigative journalism… excuse me, humor… found. There are people aged 60-80 who are afraid of Obama because he’s a black Muslim! Gee, I can’t imagine that someone in this decade would have that perception of him based on his name and be weary of him taking power! I’m not saying their reasoning is accurate, but they have an opinion and a right to base their vote on that opinion. Except technically it isn’t really a vote since it’s THE DELEGATES WHO DECIDE THE NOMINATION NOT OLD PEOPLE PARTICIPATING IN A POLL. But Stewart didn’t show clips of a Super-delegate saying racist things. So the whole segment was misleading. No… that’s not the right word. Farce. That’s what it was. A farce. Or even better, Propaganda.

The Daily Show has become a tool for Stewart to voice his opinions. He has decided that Barack Obama is the President of the United States. And every night that point is hammered home with all the subtlety of a freight train hitting a deer. It is the polar opposite of the Colbert Report, which is consistently funnier, not to mention politically neutral. And I know people are going to say that Colbert is conservative. But there’s two problems with that. 1) Every statement he makes is done with humor in such a way as to imply he’s being facetious. His character is conservative, but no one knows what the real Stephen Colbert believes because he never breaks character in public. Stewart is just being himself. And 2) if you pay attention, Colbert gives conservatives just as hard a time as liberals. No one gets a free ride.

I don’t have a problem with Stewart voicing his opinion, but he needs to pick a team. Either he’s a comedian or he’s the next Bill Maher (i.e. an overpaid moron who hosts another cog in the propaganda machine). Are you a journalist or a funny man?

And getting to the heart of the matter, I’m sick of hearing this bullshit line about how people are only against Barack Obama because he’s black. I’m not saying there’s no truth to it, but it’s only half the story. The fact is a majority of his supporters are only voting for him because he’s black!

It’s bullshit, right?

Don’t believe me?

Let me go “A Time To Kill” on your ass.

Let’s take the complaints against Obama and list them.

~No one knows anything about him.
~Has given constant signs that he isn’t patriotic.
~Michelle Obama has stated in a public forum that this is the first time she has ever been proud of America (Presumably because her husband is about to make her the most powerful woman in the world, not to mention the first black First Lady in American history… important reasons like that.)
~He has been heavily influenced by Jeremiah Wright and only recently denounced him when Wright decided it was okay to give up the plan early. (And don’t give me that bullshit about how he didn’t know. He has publicly stated that Wright was there for many important part of his life, and Wright isn’t one to keep his opinions to himself. IT CAME UP.)
~Internet forwards suggest he is the anti-christ.

Now lets imagine a different situation, an alternate universe. Take John McCain, or even Hillary Clinton and put them in a similar situation.

~No one knows anything about McCain except that he old as fuck.
~Has given constant signs that he is unpatriotic (which is understandable considering he’s been to war, but even so… not what I want out of a President)
~Cindy MCain hates America.
~He’s personal friends with David Duke. But he denies knowing about Mr. Duke’s opinions or political affiliations.
~Internet forwards suggest that he once punched Jesus in the balls as a teenager.

If that was the truth, McCain wouldn’t just lose his bid for the Presidency, he would be crucified. It’s a double standard, and it’s bullshit. I don’t want Barack Obama as my President, and it isn’t because he’s black. It’s because I don’t know him and I don’t trust him. All I know about him is that he thinks we need hope and change. Granted, no one seems to know how he plans to achieve any of that, or even what kind of change he’s talking about, but even so, he believes in it. And all anyone ever says is that he’s a great orator. I agree! He’s a great speaker! Brilliant in fact! You know who else was a great speaker? HITLER! Motherfucking Adolf Hitler! And no, I’m not suggesting that Obama is the next Hitler. I’m just putting it out there. Form your own damn opinions.

The fact is I’m not thrilled about ANY of the three front runners. I don’t want a single one of them. But not because of the color of their skin, but because of what they seem to be about. If Obama wins, he wins. Let the people decide (and by people I mean the electoral college), but stop telling me my opinion isn’t valid.

When is the Right Time?

I hate to say it out loud, but I almost miss the simplicity of childhood dating.   Back then, it was a lot easier to know if a girl liked you. Granted, I almost never had a date during high school.  Or college.  But as I get older, it’s just so much harder.   It seems like it should be easier, but it isn’t.

There’s a line in The 40 Year Old Virgin where he says “Maybe it’s too late for me.  Sometimes I think that it is.”  If you’ve ever watched that movie during a dry period (or as I like to call it: life), that line probably struck a chord with you.  It rings true for so many people, particularly when your friends are all dating and getting married and having kids.  You think “Fuck, I’m old.  I am going to die alone.  I’ll probably end up one of those crazy cat people who get a hundred cats and when they die, the cats fucking eat them.”  Granted, that will never happed to me.   I hate cats.   Maybe I’ll build a hamster farm.   And to all my friends who are in love and married out there, I just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart— fuck you.  That’s right, you can kiss my unhappy ass.

Anyway, I’m not here just to tell my friends to eat my ass.  No, this is about talking to women.

I had this woman at my desk this morning. A customer.  Pretty. Not stunning, but cute and sexy.  With freckles.  And almost from the second she opened her mouth, I was a little smitten.  She initiated the conversation.   It started at “the roads in this city are so horrible”, moved on to cars, hybrids and ethanol, conservation… and then took a turn towards politics and immigration and economic depression.  Which is bad.  I don’t know what the rules are when talking to women, but I know you’re not supposed to talk about politics, poverty or your well-reasoned but nearly xenophobic beliefs about immigration and foreign policy… not on a first date, and damn sure not before you’ve gotten a first date.   And the whole time we’re talking, I’m thinking “stop talking!  Change the subject!  Don’t depress the shit out of the pretty girl who is talking to you!!”    Surprisingly, despite the heavy subject matter, it never seemed to affect her.   Which is good.  There was only one question left to me.   When is the right time to a woman out?

Granted, this is a very specific case.  I mean, how do you segue way from “we’re all gonna being living in tents in five years”  to “you wanna get dinner with me some time?” ?     It’s just not a comfortable situation.   But even when you aren’t attempting to give a girl nightmares with your paranoid theories about post apocalyptic futures, it’s awkward.   From the start, it is an impossible predicament.  There’s the initial entrance where you have to come up with something to say to a complete stranger.   People make fun of guys who use cheesy lines, but you know, pick up lines are kind of ingenious in that it gives you something to say, even if it’s moronic. It breaks the ice.   It moves past what you’re unfortunately really thinking.

Hi, I’m Adam.  I don’t know you, but you have got the greatest tits I’ve seen since that trashy barmaid last week.  I’ve got nothing to say to you because we’ve never met and therefore don’t know if we have anything in common or any sort of compatibility vis a vis dating, marriage and rug rats.   That being said, I’d like to get to know you.  Maybe sparks will fly and three weeks from now we’ll be holding hands in front of your friends.  But if not, I’ll settle for fucking your face tonight, drunk or sober; doesn’t matter much to me.

But we can’t really say things like that, because despite their protests to the contrary, women don’t really want anything to do with male honesty.    Yes, even though he may not be considering adultery, he would totally fuck your friends… and your sister… and possibly your Mom.   In fact, it DOES make your ass look big, but that’s okay because he likes your big ass and thoroughly enjoys spanking you while he’s fucking you from behind.    And no, we don’t leave the toilet seat up to annoy you, but we laugh our asses off when you fall in.   Women don’t want to know these things.  But I digress.

Once you manage to think of something to say to her and actually engage a woman in talking, you still have that dilemma.  So when do you ask?   Is it too soon?  Should you ask for her number instead?

I did none of the above.  I wanted too, but I wussed out.  maybe next time.

I Am Iron Man

I’m not the biggest Iron Man fan. I like him well enough as a character, but only read a few of his solo comics. Mostly stuff drawn by John Romita Jr., like Armor Wars 2. And he’s kind of a dick in the current comics. So I didn’t really get excited about the movie until I saw the trailer.

Pretty kick ass, huh? So was the movie. I have to say I was impressed with almost everything. John Favreau did an amazing job on his first big budget blockbuster, and I hope they give him the Avengers movie. This film is perfect for both comic fans and casual moviegoers who know nothing about Tony Stark.

the source material

The Invincible Iron Man was a creation spinning out of the first slew of comics produced by the Da Vinci of graphic novels, Stan Lee. Millionaire Tony Stark was captured in the Vietnam War and was forced by his captors to build a weapon for them. During his capture he took shrapnel to his chest, and built an iron chest plate attached to his heart which kept him alive. The chest plate gave him another idea, and instead of building a weapon for his jailers, he built a suit of armor to help him escape. As could happen only in the fantasy world of Silver Age comics, Tony decided to use his new abilities to be a hero. He went on to found the Avengers, alongside husband and wife team of Giantman and the Wasp, the Incredible Hulk, and the Norse (re: Viking) God of Thunder, the Mighty Thor. Together, the Avenger changed the world, starting with their discovery of the body of Captain America frozen in suspended animation. From there his history only gets more complicated, and is honestly irrelevant to the current movie.

robert downey, jr

I’m pretty sure I saw some eyebrows raised when Jon Favreau announced Downey as Iron Man. But actually, the fans knew from the second we heard the name that no one could be a better Tony Stark. Robert Downey Jr IS Tony Stark. For starters, Downey looks the part and is a great actor. But also, Tony Stark is a recovering alcoholic. Like Downey, Stark was a golden boy who could do no wrong, until one day he hit a wall and his substance abuse problems got so out of hand that he had top quit being Iron Man. For a time, he was replaced in the suit by his best friend James “Rhodey” Rhodes. But I digress. Downey was awesome. Honestly, I enjoyed the film more when he was out of the suit, just being Stark than when he was stomping terrorists as Iron Man. His “voice”, comic timing, and performance were pitch perfect.

the other actors

Well, this is my one complaint. Jeff Bridges was great (natch!), although the reviewer at Slate.com’s contention that he was a dark version of “The Dude” is just… fucking retarded. Bridges came off perfectly, switching from comforting “Uncle Obie” to a treasonous war profiteer and killer. The problem was the other cast members. Terrence Howard was bar none the most effeminate military Colonel in the history of cinema (and, I suspect, the real Armed Forces as well). It’s kind of hard to picture him as the man who would one day be known as War Machine. And Gwyneth Paltrow did an adequate job as Pepper Potts, but their were a hundred different actresses who would have been a better choice. In fact, one possible candidate (though not the best) was in the film. Leslie Bibb, better known as Carlie Bobby from Talladega Nights, stars in a completely forgettable role as a reporter who shows up at two points to further the plot. She was good, but it seems like she could have been used for a better purpose than the eye candy role that she clearly filled.

And as a side note, I liked what they did with Jarvis. Jarvis, in the comics is sort of like Alfred from Batman, but less important. He starts out working for Stark and eventually serves as Butler to the Avengers. I’m sure there are people who would complain, but I thought the movie’s re-imagining of him was brilliant, and made many of the armor scenes much more entertaining.

the suit and the CGI

It looked fantastic. I would say even flawless. Comic costumes are impossibly difficult to translate to film without looking silly (see several of the Batman films). And Iron Man could have been the worst of all. But it looked phenomenal, in both CGI and live action sequences. Furthermore, it looks more or less like the current suit in the comics.

the story

The origin here is only marginally different. Set in modern times, they couldn’t stage it in Vietnam. Instead it’s placed in the middle east. Everything worked. There was a plot that made sense to the story and continuity. It also fed well into the developing Marvel Films Universe. Also, I was pleased that the relationship between Stark and Pepper wasn’t given a sappy ending.

the politics

They couldn’t really avoid some sort of political reference. We’re at war, and Stark is a Military Arms Manufacturer. Some might see the origin placement as being some sort of political statement about Iraq, but careful observers will note that they never actually mention a specific country. The terrorists appear to be from a random country in the Middle East, with vaguely Iraqi backgrounds. The only language mentioned is Hungarian. I’m glad they didn’t focus too much on the terrorists. There’s nothing worse than SciFi that gets overly didactic. Politics and philosophy has long been the purvue of fiction, but occasionally writers get too involved in preaching to tell a good story. And that was the last thing this film needed.

the final analysis

A great way to start the Summer film season. It’s not perfect, but it was probably the most fun of any film I’ve seen in a while. Go see it. Then again… considering the last movie I saw was Made of Honor, just about anything would seem great in comparison.

But wait! There’s more! The following section is filled with spoilers, so only keep reading if you want to know.

extras for the geek within

Out of the hundreds of comic adaptations in the last 8 years, there have been many great moments, but few true “geek out” moments. Up until now, X2 had the biggest guns, what with the Wolverine “berserker rage” and the Phoenix ending. But this movie has managed to top any and all challengers. There were hints throughout the movie. Mentions of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Engagement and Logistics Division which comics fans will recognize as a variation on the acronym for SHIELD. In the Marvel Universe, SHIELD stands for Strategic Hazard Intervention, Espionage Logistics Directorate, a clandestine spy organization headed up by the ultimate spy, Nick Fury. Now, Marvel created a separate line of comics re-imagining the Marvel Universe for modern times. In the updated Ultimate line, Nick Fury was redesigned as the baddest motherfucker alive, Samuel L. Jackson. When they passed around the idea of a Nick Fury film, Jackson had to decline for prior commitments. So when I heard that distinctive voice at the end of Iron Man, my jaw hit the floor. Marvel has stated previously that the new films, Iron Man, Ant Man, Thor, and Captain America are leading to an eventual Avengers film that will incorporate all of the other films and the actors who will play them. With Nick Fury’s debut, we start to see the first in an interweaving thread. This will be followed up in the Incredible Hulk several weeks from now. Comics have long held the tradition of the crossover. even TV shows have done it. But this will be the first true movie crossover. I couldn’t be more excited.