Made of Honor, Made of Shit

I hate it when people say “that’s gay.” I hate it because its become the new way for people to tell you you’re not cool. And the only reason you’re not cool is because THEY don’t like what you’re doing or watching or listening to, even though most of the time they haven’t even given it a try.

I have always felt that denying yourself things that you like simply because its “gay” is stupid. First of all, you still like it, even if you deny it, so technically you’re still gay. Secondly, you know whats really gay? Spending all your time trying to find gay men.

I like a lot of “gay” things. I love Musicals and have a not-so-secret fantasy of performing in one. I listen to Tori Amos, Olivia Newton John, Miranda Lambert, Colbie Caillat, and any number of other female artists. And I watch Chick flix. Usually it’s bc I like the girl in the film. When I first saw Anne Hathaway in the short lived (and criminally underwatched) Get Real, I was smitten. So I bought The Princess Diaries sight unseen. And you know what? It was a cute film. I’ve been obsessed with Katherine Heigl since the giant turd that was Under Siege 2 (I still get chills thinking about how bad the dialogue was) and later the very awesome Roswell. So I went to see 27 Dresses. It was okay. Very formulaic, but it had its moments of humor and had a lot of charm, thanks largely to the leads.

A little while ago I decided to see Made of Honor. I like Patrick Dempsey, even though I still see him as the gangly nerd in Can’t Buy Me Love, and don’t understand how he’s suddenly a sex symbol. And the girl, Michelle Monghan (need to find out where I’ve seen her before) was the right mix of brunette, cute, sexy and smart. So why not, right?

Listen to me clearly… this may very well be the gayest film of all time. Not to mention the worst film of the year. In fact, calling it a film is something of a misnomer. It was 2 hours of someone video taping shit.

I’m about to tell you everything that happened in the movie, but I am confident that I am doing you a service if it keeps you from seeing this shit. Please keep reading if you think it looks like a good movie.

At first I thought it would be another charming, run-of-the-mill romantic comedy. These things always go the same way.

  1. Boy and girl meet and become best friends. It is obvious to everyone that they are the perfect couple and there has never been a greater love and trust than theirs… except they are both oblivious to it.
  2. One or both of them realizes that they are in love; usually its the guy. But then the other one agrees to marry someone else out of the blue.
  3. The person he/she is marrying seems perfect on the surface, but is actually a disgusting human being who could never make him/her happy.
  4. Wedding preparations are made as the true love tries to stop the wedding through a series of hijinks, but inexplicably never tells the person that he/she loves him/her.
  5. Having failed at all the hijinks, he/she crashes the wedding at the last second, and suddenly realizes that all he/she had to do was make a grand speech about how they want to grow old with him/her.
  6. The person about to be married suddenly realizes “Wait a minute! I’m NOT in love with the person I’m going to marry… I’m in love with the person who just ruined my wedding!”
  7. The rejected bride/ groom is revealed to be evil, but is beaten up at their own wedding. Everyone cheers and the wedding continues with the true loves united at last.

That’s pretty much what happened in Made of Honor, except the film makers— excuse me, movieshitters— decided to take that formula, remove any sense of humor and charm and romance, and throw in every bit of ridiculousness they could come up with.

the characters

For the majority of the movie there isn’t a single likeable character, with the exception of Kadeem Hardison (where the hell has he been since A Different World, anyway?). Dempsey plays Tom, a curious mix of flaming homosexual stereotypes and unbareable man-whore. It is baffling why ANY woman would want to sleep with him. He has these “rules” where he basically informs impossibly hot women that they are little more than walking vaginas there only to service him when he wants and are not to bother him otherwise, since he will probably be out banging other vaginas. (and what really pisses me off is that I’m willing to bet there are loads of guys out there like this, getting more pussy than a chinese restaurant.) In between he has a regular Sunday date with his true love Hannah (Monaghan). She’s semi-aware of how in love they are. He is impossibly sweet with her. It is very obvious they are in love. What isn’t clear is why. Hannah is sexy, brilliant and intoxicating. She knows exactly who Tom is, and how he treats women.  He spends his entire life either antiquing with Hannah or fucking her entire family and all of her friends.   But she loves him.

In fact, for most of the film, Hannah and her beau, Colin are the only characters who aren’t annoying.  At least at first.  Eventually they start to piss you off as well.   Hannah is perfect right up until the last leg of the film when she is due to be married in Scotland.  Once there she become inexplicably insulting and ignorant of Scotish culture and customs (despite the previous month that she spent there).  She insults most of Colin’s family, subtly ridiculing the proud, wonderful people of Scotland in a stereotypical display of American ignorance and childishness.   I honestly found myself rooting for the Scots to go mad and lynch the entire party of Americans.

Colin (played by Journeyman’s Kevin McKidd) is an anomaly as far as these films go.  His character would typically be the villain here.  But he isn’t.  He is perfect in every way.  Every.  Way.

Here’s a quick list of all the ways he’s perfect.

  • Scotish
  • Tall
  • Handsome
  • Rich
  • Romantic
  • Impossibly athletic
  • Lives in a castle
  • Has his own whiskey distillery
  • Has a great singing voice
  • Rides a horse, and in fact, rescues Hannah on a horse
  • He’s a Duke of Scotland… he’s royalty!

He is so perfect and likable it becomes sickening.   And I suppose the guys who made this were aware of that, so at the last second they added in things that supposedly make him an asshole.   Like he hunts animals.  Except, he doesn’t do it for sport.  They actually ate the animals he killed.   Which is why you’re supposed to kill animals.  Oh and he plays the bag pipes.  Which Hannah arrogantly eschews as a flaw just because she doesn’t like it.    The problem is it didn’t work.  I was rooting for Colin to marry her the whole time.  Although mostly I was rooting for the movie to end.

the logic

This movie is filled with illogical plot devices from start to finish.     Like when Tom hires a woman to perform for Hannah’s shower.  She turns out to be a sex toy sales woman, and gives Hannah’s grandmother glow in the dark anal beads.   Hilarious.  No, wait… it isn’t.  And it makes me wonder why the fuck he hired this woman without asking what she did.  Oh!  And Tom’s money!   Tom is rich.  He has no perceivable job except to bang sluts.   The reason we’re given is that he invented the “coffee collar”, those cardboard things they put around the cups at Starbucks that serve absolutely no purpose since the cups are insulated and have lids.    Except that we meet his scoundrel father whose whole subplot revolves around the fact that he is rich as well.  So… what is the point?  If he was already rich, why add that wrinkle of his invention as well. And there’s a scene where Tom has to cross a river, but there are no boats. He is informed that it would take two hours to go around it in a car.  But then a horse pops up out of nowhere, and the horse gets there in ten minutes.  Except that cars are faster than horses.

the ending

It was terrible.   They do manage to avoid convention by having Tom reveal his love before the wedding (though never during the dozens of opportunities he had when he was alone with her the whole movie).   But as soon as he tells her, they awkwardly transition to another scene.   Then he kisses her. A LOT.  And the fifty people in the room manage not to notice them brazenly making out.  That night Hannah goes to Tom’s room just in time to see her cousin (who HATES him) try to rape him.   And she sends him away so she can marry Colin.  And she almost does, except he sees a dog, which reminds him that he is capable of love.   So he crashes the wedding at the last second.  And makes out with Hannah in front of Colin and the entire royal family.   And it was at this point that I truly wanted Colin to just beat him into a bloody coma.  Sadly it didn’t happen.

the final analysis

Do NOT see this movie.  Stay away.  It is unfathomable shit.  They should fire Dempsey from Grey’s Anatomy for making this film.  It’ssssss baaaaaaaadddddddddd.


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