Jessica Alba Likes It Huge

Jessica Alba likes it huge.

That’s what I found in my inbox today.

I’m sick of this shit, and I have to say something.  And since I’m apparently not getting on stage to do my act, I’m gonna say it here.   What the fuck?!   Why do the spammers send that shit to me?  What makes them think I have a small dick?  Look I’m not saying I do and I’m not saying I don’t… I’m just saying, why me?

IS there a fucking camera in my shower when I’m rubbing one out to morning wood? Do I live in the goddamn house from Big Brother?  Is there an Asian bitch with a mic and a camera saying shit like “the polls are in and it’s official, America thinks Adam… has a small dick.  And he’s voted out of the house.”  WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m sick of this shit.  I’m sick of women bitching and moaning because their dude can’t bludgeon them to death with his penis.  Look, if you get stuck with small tits, you can get big fake stripper titties with nipples that point in six different directions and we won’t say a goddamn thing as long as we get to suck on them.  Because no one complains about implants whey they’ve got a big fat titty in their mouth.  But it doesn’t work the same way for us.  I can’t just velcro a baseball bat to my cock and give you the ol’ pickle tickle without breaking my dick.  It doesn’t work that way.

And yet the world shuns us average men.   That’s right, I said it.  Shuns!  You bitches would fuck a kid with DOWNS Syndrome if he was packing heat.  You’d throw him on the floor, play pop-up on his cock-up and rock his world, and slap his face screaming “GIVE IT TO ME YOU SLOTH-FROM GOONIES LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!  RIDE ME LIKE A TWO SEATER BICYCLE WITH A HAIRY PUSSY!!! IF YOU JUST DID THE DISHES AND PUT DOWN THE SEAT I’D MARRY YOU, YA FUCKING TRIPOD!”   And you would love it.

Well that’s just wrong.  And you ladies should be ashamed of yourselves. And now I have to worry about Jessica Alba’s obsessive need for gorilla-dick?  Well, shit, I’d hate to disappoint the bitch from Dark Angel and Good Luck Chuck with the asshole that practically screams “bullseye for Adam’s man sausage” and boobs that are just aching for my hot man chowder!  We wouldn’t want that!

It’s time someone stood up for the … uhh… little guy!  RIGHT FELLAS?????  RIGHT???????

Right?
…. anybody?

Uhhh… I’m just bullshitting.  I’m walking with a lamp post.  Huge. Massive.  Like Ron Jeremy with slightly smaller man-tits (mits).

p.s.  my apologies to anyone afflicted with DOWNS Syndrome and their families… or anyone who looks like Sloth, that would be kinda fucked up.  I sorta look like Chunk and the asian kid had a gay baby, maybe we could be friends.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Becky on June 3, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    Adam, as always, love reading your blog! I look forward to it almost as much as PopCandy and you know that is a big compliment. That being said, as a woman, I am tired of receiving the exact same spam you were complaining about. I don’t even have that body part and yet here I am being told mine is too small! Also, women do like average sized guys. In fact, the bigger they are, the more frightened we become. It also goes without saying that the smaller guys are much more willing to work for it than those endowed with girth!

    Reply

  2. Well Becky, thanks for the comparison. The Candy is a pretty high standard.

    And thank you for loving small dicked men! You are a credit to your gender. Sadly, you may be alone in your tiny phallus infatuation. All too often, I have seen women bash the midget dicks of this world, coldly and cruelly; denying these half-men the sweet life sustaining vaginus that we crave. MYSPACE in particular seems to be a breeding ground for these cocksluts. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love women that love dick. Those are some of my favorite people.

    Personally, I love it when a woman is scared shitless of my mammoth penis. It makes me feel like a man. Or it would if my dick was anywhere near that big. or if I could get a woman to look at it.

    Thanks for reading!

    P.S. I don’t think your penis is too small.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Becky on June 3, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    I didn’t necessary say I like them small, I do have to have something to work with but myself being a small topped woman, I understand where they are coming from.

    Love the previous few posts. I am glad to see other people freak out and go on tangents about random subjects too. My friends usually just let me finish and then change the subject. Maybe I need to start blogging….

    Reply

  4. maaaannnn… I thought you were on our… uh… THEIR team Becky! There goes another one.

    Blogging is good for the ego. It makes you feel special. WordPress and Blogspot offer free sites, but they’re only good if you’re looking to build your own site and slowly create readership. If you’re looking for community, I would suggest myspace.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Becky on June 3, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Thanks for the thoughts I’ll keep them in mind. Except for myspace, I am as anti-myspace as you can get. Other than the few music sites I’ve seen, most myspace pages are created and then never touched again or they are set up for the sole purposes of finding sexual partners for their writers. Ugh…I sound old and angry again.

    Reply

  6. Well, while I can understand your feelings, that isn’t actually the case. There are filters that you can set up to keep spammers away from you. And there is a very large blogging community. I have made a lot of really great friends through the blogs. Kind, funny people. And VERY talented. It;s a great place to start a blog, bc its easy to find readers.

    Not that I’m trying to convince you.

    Reply

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