How To Tell If You or Someone You Love Is a Crackwhore

I love the word crackwhore. It’s so descriptive. Except in my vocabulary, it doesn’t necessarily refer to a woman who does crack or… you know, sucks dick for cash. Instead, it is a cover-all insult aimed at women that I could see doing that sort of thing. And there’s a lot of them. I should know. I live in New Orleans. We’re inundated with them.

People don’t believe me, but it’s very true. If you’re a normal guy looking for a girl who doesn’t smoke or do drugs and has never appeared on a very special episode of Girls Gone Wild or Cops… well, you’re shit out of luck.

In fact, a friend of mine walked out to the pools at his apartment complex the other day. He cozied himself into the water, enjoying the feeling of getting it to himself. A fairly attractive girl about 25 years old came and sat in next to him. They talked for about a half hour, and I guess she figured he was cool. So she asked him, without a hint of shame “Do you know where I can get some cocaine? My boyfriend and I used to go to this dealer next door to us, but the cops busted him.” Politely, he told her no. Then I suppose he was afraid she might think he was a NARC and whack him, so he kept talking to her and tried to be cool about the situation. “Yeah, I could introduce you to this really hot girl. She’s great. The only thing is you’d have to be willing to put up with her being coked out all the time.” Again, he politely declined her heart-warming invitation. He told her that he wasn’t into drugs or smoking and didn’t care to spend his evenings drunk either. “You’re never gonna meet a girl in this city with that attitude. You need to loosen up. Everybody is doing it.” Straight from the (crack) hoor-ses’ mouth.

They’re everywhere. Here’s a few tips, in a Jeff Foxworthy-style list, of how to spot one.

You Might Be a Crackwhore if…

~Well, if you go to someone’s house and ask them if they’ve got any coke, but aren’t particularly thirsty.

~If you have ever referred to the father of your child as your “Baby Daddy”.

~And similarly, if you have two or more children with different fathers, none of which Baby Daddies has ever been married to you.

~If you’ve never wondered what kind of moron calls himself 50 Cent, and doesn’t even remember to pluralize it.

~You’ve ever woken up and wondered whose underwear you have on.

~You’ve had two illegitimate pregnancies and STILL don’t make your dealer where a condom.

~If you’ve ever been IN a situation where your dealer should have worn a condom.

~If you have a dealer.

~If insect bites remind you that your Valtrex prescription has been out for a month.

~You’ve seen more Dick than Elizabeth Montgomery.

~Britney Spears is your MOTHERFUCKIN’ HERO!!!!

~If Lindsey Lohan seems like she would be fun to hang out with.

~You have more tattoos or piercings than you have phalanges.

~If you don’t know what the word phalanges means.

~If you and your friends think you’re character on Sex and the City… actually, there’s no MIGHT BE there.  If you personally relate to any of those aggravating bitches, you’re a whore.   Sorry Mom…

~If you have ever let your teenage daughter walk out of the house in clothing with the words “Juicy”, “Hott”, “Nasty” or anything else written on her ass… you’re a crackwhore, and your daughter is going to inherit the family business.

~If you’ve ever “gotten your swerve on”.

~If you started saying “That’s hot.” because Paris Hilton made it cool again.

~If your criterion for men revolve around dick and wallet size.

~If three of your orifices involuntarily ache everytime someone says the word “train” around you.

~The girls on Flava of Love seem reasonable to you.

~If you watch Flava of Love.

~If you can describe the last 10 blowjobs you gave out, but can’t remember the last time you shook someone’s hand.

~If you’re over the age of 22 and all of your best stories start with the words “We were sooooooo drunk/ high…”

Now remember ladies, these are just possible indicators of your whorishness.  None of these by themselves makes you a crackwhore.  Although three or more should sound a few alarms in your common sense meter.  But again, one or two is fine.   Unless you’re a Samantha.  Then you are quite clearly a dirty cockslut.  And you should leave your number.

p.s.  This was kind of fun, so I think I’ll do How to Tell If Your Man is a Piece of Shit…  or what’s a better word?  Asshole?  I refuse to use douchebag.  Let me know if you come up with something.


11 responses to this post.

  1. Bwahahahaahah! Oh dear!


  2. Well thank bob, under your criteria Im not a crack whore! The only ONE I can claim, is the 50 Cent one—though now that you bring it up, Ill never forget what a moron he is!
    I Love the word phalanges!


  3. Posted by Jeff on June 6, 2008 at 7:19 am

    Yo..never knew you were in New Orleans dude…from Louisiana too. Party often there….for crack..bwahaha


  4. Misty~

    I am very glad to know that you are not a whore. HIGH FIVE!!!


  5. Jeff~

    *sigh* Yes, sadly I am GNO born and raised. Help me.


  6. Posted by Becky on June 6, 2008 at 8:13 am

    I am, unfortunately, according to your criteria, a crackwhore. The only one who got me on is the Sex & the City one. I don’t actually think that counts, though. I do relate to them but only becuase they are comfortable with their sexuality and they date men that are completely wrong for them!


  7. Becky—-

    *sigh* I am so sorry to find out that you love the taste of sweet sweet cocaine… and copious amounts of genitalia. Well… not that sorry about the latter; that’s actually a pretty good thing. Still, fret not. Many women have succumbed to SATC cocaine addiction, or as I like to call it: the Carrie-on Virus.

    There is a cure though! You have to watch the first three seasons of the Man Show for twenty four hours straight. When you come out of it, you will be as right and proper as an Englishwoman’s vagina.


  8. Posted by Becky on June 6, 2008 at 9:47 am

    I actually watched the first three seasons of the Man Show when it was on so am I cured retroactively? Is is a vaccination of sorts? Who knew?


  9. Posted by Ad Astra on June 6, 2008 at 10:23 am

    Ooooh man. I used to use crackwhore as my nickname, I thought it was funny. The point of having that nickname? Self defense. If anyone called me a bitch, or a slut, I could kindly reply, “Oh no my dear friend, it’s *Crackwhore*” I didn’t get to really get THAT many opportunities to use it, but oh well.

    I vote for asshole in the title.

    This was fun to read 🙂


  10. Yeahhhhhh… I don’t think that crackwhore works for a pre-emptive strike. That’s like having someone threaten to cut off your hand, and instead you tell them to cut off your whole arm.

    Besides, whats wrong with sluts? They have the most fun.


  11. Posted by Cheryle with an E on June 7, 2008 at 6:27 am

    “seen more Dick than Elizabeth Montgomery”…love that
    Thanks for the test…luckily I did NOT pass!


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