How to Tell if Your Man is a Dipshit

That’s right ladies. This is your all purpose guide to the Incredible World of Assholes.

There’s a lot of male dipshits and man whores out there. And yet you ladies continue to date them, seemingly unaware that he’s an unbelievable cocksucker. Well wonder no longer…

Your Man or Someone You Know Might Be a Dipshit If…

~He takes longer than forty minutes to shower and get dressed.

~He calls other men his “Dogs”, and especially if he pronounces it with a “Z” at the end.

~If he’s all ‘roided up and goes to the gym five or more times a week. Usually this means he’s hitting on every girl there. Dipshit.

~If you can’t tell a story about something you’ve done without him telling you he’s an expert on the subject.

~He seems to be playing “hard to get”.

~He has nipple rings… or ear rings… a tongue ring… really any piercing on a dude makes you a dipshit.

~Tattoos. Now, a tattoo in theory is very cool. But there is a lot of bad ink out there that pretty much is like a Dipshit merit badge. Relatively recent “tribal” tats or barbed wire tats are definitely entering dipshit territory.

~You can actually be kind of lenient on the last two entries, since some guys just don’t know any better. HOWEVER the combination of piercings, bad tattoos and and steroids qualifies him for the title of Grand Shithead.

~If he tends to talk about his religious superiority, and also…

~If he has ever tried to get you to join his creepy religion.

~He brags about the size of his genitalia or his number of conquests.

~He doesn’t tip at least 15%.

~He has a secret myspace account.

~If it turns out that he lied and those bad ass scars of his were not from fighting, riding motorcycles or jumping off something while drunk.

~He rides a Crotch Rocket.

~If he thinks only losers read the books because the movies are so much better.

~He writes nothing but erotic poetry (although making up dirty limericks is kind of cool).

~He takes Fantasy Football  waaaaaaaaaaay too seriously.  (Although in this case he may just need to get laid.)

~If he’s over the age of 22 and still gets drunk almost every night.

~He’s cheated on most every girls he’s ever been with.

~If he’s a grown man who owns a stuffed animal.  (My Eeyore doesn’t count.  It’s cute.)

~If he gets aggravated when his girlfriend has her kid around.  (Qualifies him for Grand Shithead status.)

~He calls his Mom by her first name.

~He’s a vegan.

~He still considers himself goth, and especially if he’s EMO.

~If he’s too busy playing World of Warcraft to fuck you.  (I know guys like this.)

~If he goes to Lamaze classes because “you know THEY put out”.  (Yeah, I know someone who did this as well.)

~He’ll tell anyone who’ll listen that “Bitches ain’t nothing but pussy.”  and he proves it at least once a week.

~He watches MMA fights and insists “I could do that.”

That’s all for now.  Unless one of you has something you can add to the list.  Please, let me know.   And again, one or two of these doesn’t necessarily make him a dipshit.  Anymore than two though, and you should probably dump him.


9 responses to this post.

  1. Also good to know my man is not a dipshit. Im so glad I have you around to help out with these things my dear!
    OHH and I love you enough to find this without the link working! 🙂


  2. Congratulations! As a good and decent man, he deserves a blow job! Tell him it’s from me… wait… no, that came out wrong. Thaaaaaaatt’s weird. Okay, I’m gonna back away slowly. Pretend I never said anything.


  3. Posted by Solaris on June 7, 2008 at 6:24 am

    The scary part is that I actually know some men who could qualify as dipshits by your list.


  4. HA! Only one!!! Why am I so relieved? 😀


  5. Posted by Jeff on June 7, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Bwahahaha..I told you i was a dick..LOL. I do um call my mom by her first name…but to be fair I did not used to..I work for her and she felt it was not professional to call her mom at work….so I call her Pam..and just stuck. But, I do have piercings…so yea..still a dick


  6. LOL is it bad that a few of those could be me??



  7. Jeff~

    My Mother insists I call her by her name when we’re at the office. I told her she’s out of her damn mind. Besides, everyone refers to her as “your Mom” to me anyway.

    As for the piercings… well, nobody’s perfect.


  8. NeN~

    Yes. It’s bad. You need Jesus, sir.


  9. Posted by Becky on June 10, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Great list, entertaining as always.

    Thankfully none of the exes passed your test! I do have taste, or I did, I’m not sure.


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