Archive for July, 2008

Everybody Wants To Get Laid

Sometimes I get annoyed with women complaining about the way society treats them.  Some of those complaints are fair.  Women statistically make less than men who have the same job.  Now, I don’t know whether the women out-perform the men on those jobs, but a statistic is a statistic.

But then there are other complaints.

Like the one about the media expecting women to live up to weight and beauty standards.  Cry me a fucking river.   First of all, the media just expects you to spend money on what they’re advertising.  They could give a rat’s pussy what you look like.  Secondly, it isn’t the media that expects you to live up to those standards.  It’s other women.   It’s women who define fashion and beauty standards.  Certainly it isn’t men.  By and large, men are clueless in those areas.   In general, we care about three things: big tits, deep throating and your ability to make us a sandwich.   The rest of it is just gravy and personal taste.  It’s women who decide that Paris Hilton and some worthless moron from Laguna Beach is the role model for underage girls.   And thirdly:  men are expected to live up to societal standards too.  You have to be masculine, good at sports, a great fighter, and be a natural born stud.  The difference between men and women?  You don’t get the shit kicked out of you if you fail to live up to those standards.

Another big one is the slut issue.

“Why is it that if a girl loves sex, she’s a slut? Yet if a man fucks around, he’s a hero?”   Well, going back to my first response, it’s because of women.  I can honestly say the number of times I’ve heard a woman say “She’s SUCH a SLUT!”  dwarfs, eclipses and laps the number of times I’ve heard men say it.  Sure, SOME guys may treat women like sluts, but those are usually dipshits who in fact are male whores themselves.  But we don’t sit around gossiping about people.  WE don’t call you sluts unless you are truly heinous.  The fact is, we just don’t give a shit.  If a chick gets around, it’s better for us.  Free pussy!  Who’s going to say no?   Do we treat that chick differently?  Sure. But again, it’s not exactly as you perceive it to be, ladies.   First, the definition of slut depends on the guy.  If you’ve fucked more than one guy in a single day on more than one occasion, I’d say you’re a whore.  But I would say the same thing about a guy (three-ways being the exception).  My definition of slut really has to do with how much a girl respects herself.  For instance, I recently found out a sixteen year old girl that I know fucked five dudes in one night.  Now ignoring the fact that there’s a very real chance she’s contracted and spread at least one STD, and her odds of ending up on Maury Povich for playing the Russian Roulette version of Whose my Baby Daddy?— this girl has fucked more people in one night than I have in my whole life.  That’s a little slutty.  Would I call her a whore? No.  She has self-esteem issues.  The men on the other hand?  Well, let me just ask– what kind of nasty motherfucker jumps past sloppy seconds and says to himself “I’ll go fifth!”?   Now all things being equal, would I go out with this girl who I’ve just said was slutty?  Maybe. If somewhere down the line she learned to respect herself.  It just depends.  But there’s a big difference between going out with a nice girl who has issues and going out with Courtney Love.   It’s not her sexual appetite that’s the problem.  It’s HER.

Take for instance the character of Sex and the City.   It’s not the fact that they love sex that leads me to believe they’re a bunch of used up, torn out pussy, crack whores.   It’s the fact that all they ever did was talk about dick.  Ladies, believe me when I say that I have met some skanky, nasty guys.  Men for whom the term Dirty Sanchez is not a move, but a well-earned nickname.  But even those fucking deviants don’t talk about fucking anywhere near as much in a day as those women did in a forty minute show.  Crack whores.  It’s not that they loved sex, it’s that their vaginas were a stadium turnstile.

By contrast, women are quick to call another girl slut or whore.  In many ways, I believe slut has become the female equivalent of “gay” or “fag”. It’s been bandied about so much that it’s lost most of it’s meaning but none of it’s sting.  For one woman to call another a slut, it implies that she’s sexually prodigious, but really means “trash” or “undesirable”.  Mostly though, I think it’s a term of jealousy.     If a girl has the man you want, “why would he be with that SLUT?”  If she got promoted over you, “She probably sucked the boss’ dick. She’s such a SLUT.”   It’s meant to imply that someone is beneath you.

See the thing is, as smart as women are– and more often than not, women are smarter than men– women don’t really understand women.   The reason being that women lie more often than men do.  Women don’t just lie to other people, they lie to themselves constantly.

It’s easy to blame the media and men and society at large.  And they each bare some responsibility.  But maybe you should think about what I said the next time you and your friends are bad mouthing some girl at work that you don’t like.

“Women have all the power.  You know why?  Because women have all the vaginas.”  ~Dave Attell

Things I Should Be Grateful For…

Little known fact. I’m not a pessimist. People think that, like I wake up and think “oh another shitty day… poor me.” But no, I wake up ambivalent about everything, just like a lot of people do. I don’t naturally perceive things negatively. I’m simply a realist… who is rarely an optimist.  See?  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst… as much as possible.   And just because my life sucks, doesn’t mean I can’t be positive about it.

So after being inspired by someone I used to know, I decided to make a list of things I’m grateful for.  So come along and ride on this fantastic voyage.

THINGS I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR

My Detective’s Brain– It gets me in trouble a lot because I often jump to conclusions, but I love the way my brain naturally pieces the world together like a jigsaw puzzle.  The whole world, people, environment, sights and sounds, all of it… is a giant tapestry weaving together into wondrous beauty.

And of course, as I mentioned earlier, the practical end of that is that I am subconsciously trying to figure out how everything connects all the time.  Like I said, it gets me into trouble sometimes (patience not being one of my virtues) but it’s really interesting trying to find out how things, and often, how people work.

A World of 3 Dimensional Sound–  Sometimes I get in those stupid arguments with friends over questions like “What would you rather be, deaf or blind?”  And everyone always says deaf.  Not me.  Being blind would suck, but I wouldn’t want to live in a world of endless silence.  When you close your eyes and listen, a whole new world opens up for you.  A world of 3 dimensional sound.  The sound of laughter, of music… a lover’s sigh… another’s cry.  In deafness, that world is gone.  And you are the worse for it.

Art–  I don’t come from artists.  No one in my family is artistic in the slightest.  I, however have always been fascinated with every aspect of art. I’ve spent a large portion of my life exploring every inch of it.  Well past painting, I’ve endeavored to study photography, the culinary arts, comedy and even grifting.  Anything is an art if you love it enough and make it yours.

My Wandering Soul–  I’ve spoken many times about my gypsy spirit.  So much of me is pure nomad, that aches for the world of Kerouac, back when it wasn’t impractical to get in your car and discover America. Where I’m from, people don’t travel much further than Baton Rouge.  The people are born there and they die there, like their parents, and their parents before them.  But I’ve always been a gypsy and those borders could not contain me.  I’ve been from one side of this nation to the other.  Lived in three states total.  And though I long for more, wider landscapes and farther shores,  I’ve seen more than most.

An Independent Spirit- The world can often be divided into Bears and Sheep.   Being a bear can be a lonely road most of the time, but it’s a necessary road that I walk.  The world needs more people willing to defend their beliefs alone and to the last breath.  More and more, we live in a world of sheep.

A Pragmatic Mind- I’m not technically conservative, though I often represent myself that way.   As much as I hate liberal thought, I actually do agree with some of their opinions. SOME.   I just don’t agree with the blind faith and lack of logic which they apply to the majority of their opinions.  And similarly, there are things conservatives take for granted that I disagree wholly with.  I’m sort of an independent state unto myself.

The Gift of Books- My Mother started buying my books when I was around 5.  Every time she would bring them home was like Christmas to me.  Dr. Suess and Walt Disney.   Then as I got older, my interests grew.  I studied Arthurian legend and Greek myth.  Eventually that grew into my love of comics, which still haunts me today.   And now I’m a writer.  And it was all because my Mom bought me Green Eggs and Ham.

A Few Good Friends- I’ve never had a whole lot of friends.  It’s difficult to find people who accept me and want me around.  But I have a few.   We’ve stood together through life, death, birth, love and loss.  They remind that I have a place in this world.

Sense of Humor- The only solution to tragedy is comedy.  My sense of humor has gotten me through every pain I have ever had.  It keeps me smiling when there really isn’t anything to smile about.  Some days it’s all that keeps me sane.

The Strength to Get Up Each Morning- It seems like such a small thing, but it really isn’t.  There are so many days where I want to give in.  I want it all to end.  But it doesn’t.  Nor will it.   But I get up every day and try to do better.   And that’s a miracle that some people in my position don’t feel.   There but for the grace of God.

My Family- They are all that matters to me.

That’s what I came up with.   Not bad for me.