How I Almost Got Arrested This Weekend

I thought about titling this “The Power of the Pen”  but it sounded both presumptuous and self important. I could also title this “another reason to leave this fucking state.”  In the end I decided to stick to the point.

Thursday I got a message from a local radio station that I had five hours to pick up passes to the new Star Wars movie sneak preview.  So on my lunch break I hauled my happy ass all the way through downtown traffic and back to get passes.  I’ll spare you the details of that little jaunt.

Saturday morning I woke up despite my exhausted body’s rather astute point that “it’s 8 am on a saturday you fucking mooley!!!!!!!!!”   and drove across the mississippi to the theatre at 9 am.   i stood at the end of a line of about 70 people in 98 degree heat (at 9 am) waiting for the theatre to open.  after half an hour of sweating my ass off, a gentleman with hair that looked like he had just given Courtney Love a mustache ride stepped outside.  he informed us that security was there to make sure we weren’t bringing any cell phones or cameras and if we had any, we should put in our cars now.

so I  got out of line and put my phone in the car, despite the fact that no one had bothered to put these restrictions on the passes and I had now lost my place in line.   HOWEVER, I kept my ipod since I had no one to talk to.

you can guess the next thing that happens.  as I’m entering the theatre,one of the rent-a-cops  (here-out referred to as the monkeys) asked me what was in my hand.

My iPod.

“You can’t bring that in.  You have to put it in the bucket.”  (they had a k-mart storage container with stickers, and they wanted me to put my 600 dollar iTouch in this veritible Fort Knox)

Ummm… no.  It’s neither a phone nor a camera.  (I showed him that there was neither on the device.)

“It doesn’t matter.  You can’t bring it in.”

YES. I CAN.  Do you see those signs?  The ones that YOU wrote and put up?  They say “No Cell Phones.”  This is not a cell phone.

“Heh.  Sir. You heard me. You can put it here or leave.”

Ummm… how about no?  I need to speak to the person in charge.

(Monkey 1 points to Head Monkey.  I walk to Head Monkey)

Are you the person in charge?  Because we have a little problem.

“The man already told you what you have to do.”

Well the man is WRONG.  Do YOU see the sign?  No CELL PHONES OR CAMERAS.  This is not a cell phone or camera.

“Are you going to leave?”

NO.  I want to speak to the person in charge.

“I AM the person in charge.”

NO.  YOU ARE A SECURITY GUARD.  I want to speak to the theatre manager.

“Okay. I’ll get him for you.”  (HEAD MONKEY CALLS POLICE)

What part of “I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” do you not understand?  Call all the police you want.  I haven’t broken any laws.  Now I want the manager.

The stupid monkeys were basically useless, so I went and found the manager myself.  I explained the situation and told him I would leave peacefully if he would find out who I can place a complaint with. The manager walked down the hallway to speak to the Universal Studios representative.  As I waited, I saw Monkey # 1 and could not leave well alone. YOU CAN CALL AS MANY POLICE AS YOU WANT.  AND BY THE WAY, HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!   Kill’em with kindness, ya know?

The theatre manager came back and informed me that even though she wasn’t supposed to, she would allow me in since I had demonstrated that it wasn’t a phone or camera.  I really didn’t feel like seeing the movie at that point, but I said, to hell with it, and went with the manager to see the film.   At the doors, Head Monkey put his hand in front of me, which made me want to rip his fucking throat out.  He said he had already told me I wasn’t allowed in.  The THEATRE MANAGER said that the rep said it was okay.  “Well she’ll just have to tell me that!”  and he stomped off.  Let me ask you, are there any more useless human beings than rent-a-cops? You give some asshole a whistle and a dollar store blazer and he thinks he’s fucking Dirty Harry.

I took a seat next to Fort Knox on a fold out table.  Two minutes later he comes back. “She said NO.”  The theatre manager’s face dropped.  He probably figured this was the part where I was going to do something nuts.  Smart guy.  So he went to get her.

Here’s my problem.  Not only is Head Monkey a big pussy who had to call police to do his job.    He’s also a whiny little bitch.  The woman SAID I COULD GO IN.  But instead of being a man about it, he cried like a little twat until he got his way.

She came out about the time the cops got there.

“Let me explain to you the situation.”

No, Ma’am.  I know what your rules are.  Let me tell YOU what the situation is.   *abreviated version*

~waited in heat

~was told to put up PHONES AND CAMERAS

~harassed by stupud monkeys with whistles and blazers and bad attitudes


~$600 device

~not gonna put  it in a walmart bucket with a sticker that THEY AREN’T EVEN GUARDING

~have not caused a disturbance

~have been completely professional

~told manager I would leave peacefully if I got some contact info to place a complaint

The woman told me she would give me her e-mail.  As she was doing so, the Head Monkey hands her his card in front of me and says “Give  him my card.”   In front of me.  Like I’m not there.  I put my hand in his face. “Dude, you need to get out of here. I don’t want your card.  I don’t need to speak to a rent-a-cop!”  And he walked off like a little bitch.

I got her info and left.  The cops never said a word.  Why?  because I was right.  Because I didn’t do anything.  And mainly  BECAUSE A RENT-A-COP CAN’T HAVE YOU ARRESTED.  It wasn’t Head Monkey’s property.  Unless I committed a crime, the only person who could have had me arrested was the manager.

So fuck him.  TWAT.

Now, most of you probably think that I was being stupid.  I get that.  But you don’t live here.  You don’t see how often shit like this happens.  Mostly I let it go, bc I don’t want to be shot and killed over stupid shit.  But in the words of Popeye, I stoods alls I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.   There’s just some things I can’t let stand.  And I would not let that stand. I have endured too much to be pushed around any more.

I wish I could.  But that’s not who I am.  And thats not the kind of man I want to be.

I placed a complaint this morning.  Not that it will do any good, but someone has to speak up.

Quote of the Day:

“Everyone has a plan, until someone punches you in the face.”

~Mike fucking Tyson


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