A first date isn’t two people having a good time.  It’s two people trying to be two completely different people while measuring whether they like each other.  The man spends the night trying to get into the woman’s pants, meanwhile the woman spends the night trying to figure out how to tell him he’s NOT getting into her pants.  It’s all a big waste of time.  And even dating itself is a waste.   It’s really just a waiting game where you’re trying to get them to like you enough to they won’t freak out when you show them who you REALLY are.   The guy who wears his Scooby Doo under-roos  on more than one day if the skid mark is less than 3 inches long.  The girl whose not-quite-ex-husband rides with the Hell’s Angels and just got out of a stint in San Quentin. The dude who takes his brother-in-law’s Mercedes to pick up chicks, and then picks you up in an 83 Tercel with floorboard holes bigger than Fred Flintstone’s. The chick who basically makes out with her Chihuahua, regardless of how recently he licked his own asshole.  (And you never find out until AFTER you’ve given her a good night kiss!)

These are DEAL BREAKERS.   But unless you’re Batman, there’s no way you’re going to know this before you go out with them.  And what’s worse, that’s not even counting all the things that could go wrong sexually in a relationship!  That’s why I think we should be forced to carry around a sexual resume`.   That’s right, a resume’. You need one to get a job at Kinko’s.  Why shouldn’t you need one to go out with someone who may or may not give you herpes?  That case of VD is going to last a hell of a lot longer than the 5.25 an hour you get at Kinko’s.    I mean, even for casual sex, you should know things.  Like to tie unsuspecting men up and then fuck them with a strap on.   Refers to women as “vaginas on a stick.”   Allows her cats on the bed during intercourse.   Thinks the “whole fist in mouth” trick is even funnier in your vagina.  Learned about men by watching Sex and the City. Has a blow up doll with your sister’s picture taped to it.
These are things we need to know!  And if he or she lies on their resume’, you get to keep the house and the dog.
So how might one of these resume’s look?
Bigby Wolf
Location:  *clap clap clap clap* DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!
Phone:  469-373-7326  (don’t bother calling, it spells INY-ERD-REAM)
Girl History:
~Loree Vaughn;  2nd Grade-  showed her my bits for a nickel and a pack of Juicy Fruit, did not appreciate irony.
~Joey Niceiza;  7th Grade-  First kiss, let me touch her boob.
~Meredith Whedon;  8th Grade-  First girlfriend, went down on her and my braces got caught in her pubes– she beat me up and then dumped me.
~Marina Straczynski; 11th Grade- Lost virginity, first steady girlfriend, tried to stimulate clitoris with ice cubes— DID NOT WORK.
~Misty Fraction;  Senior Prom- Anal Sex (on her)
~De’Anne (name never fully dislosed)-  Freshman year-  Got drunk at Sorority party, had sex in bathroom, got the Clap (fixed it the next week)
~Gina Robinson; Sophomore year-  Bondage, Domination, Phone Sex
~Sue Ellen Ennis; Semester at Sea-  Outdoor sex, Toys, Anal Sex (on me)
~Nicole Brubaker;  Live in Girlfriend- Sado-masochism, Auto-erotic Asphyxiation, Proposed and turned down, Took my dog and gave me Syphillis.
Strengths/ Skills:
Cooking, light mechanical and plumbing ability, types 75 words per minute, sexually aggressive,  well-mannered, well-dressed, no history of abuse, puts out on the first date ; )
High-school, some college
Photography, maybe a teaching degree.
Momma’s boy, moderate jealousy, Star Trek Aficionado, alcoholic, leaves clothes on floor, tendency to use lines like “Nothing says lovin’ like my cock in your oven.”, hairy butt, receding hair-line, cries during intercourse, Syphilis.
Chris “Cougar Killer” Smith
Josh “Tapeworm” Green
Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington
James “The Mormon” Scott
(All can be reached at Donny Vito’s Pizza and Dinner Theatre Palace on 9th and Broadway)


One response to this post.

  1. […] September 16, 2008 in Love, Sex, Society | Tags: dating, Sex, sex resume | Funny post by another blogger advocating sex resumes so people can cut to the chase: […]


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