Archive for September, 2008

The Mann’s Chinese Theatre Candidate

ELECTION 2008!  NOW IN HD!

That’s it.  I’m sick of this.  The election has officially pissed me off.  I don’t care who wins.  Flip a fucking coin.  It doesn’t matter, because we as a (and I use the term loosely) society have lost our fucking minds.

We don’t participate in the democratic process anymore.  We’re spectators in a three-ring circus culminating in a steel cage death match.  It’s brutal, it’s glorious, it’s HOLLYWOOD, BABY!!!

Fuck it.

It started years ago.  The decline of heroes began when they shot JFK and RFK and MLK… oh shit, that’s a lot of K’s.  bad sign. Nature abhors a vacuum. In the absence of people to believe in, The Godless Society conundrum took effect.  People started looking at Celebrities as heroes; people to be worshipped.  After all, they lead glamorous lives, so why not treat them as the deities they appear to be?   But it wasn’t long before celebrities decided to develop a social conscience.  Jane Fonda was one of the most famous first offenders.  Hanoi Jane, who had never been considered… well, smart… decided she knew better than anyone else.  She didn’t need intellect!  She had the power of fame and rockin’ tits!  Not that Vietnam wasn’t a fiasco which cost the lives of a lot of unfortunate souls, but still.  Her mouth gave way to the concept of the “liberal, responsible, shitbag celebrity.”  People like Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Janeanne Garafalo, Ed Begley, Leo DiCaprio, Angelina Jolie, Sean Penn, The Dixie Chicks and so on and so on.   Now on the one hand, a social conscience is a great thing. But only when used by someone with a fucking brain.

The problem is this.  Celebrities are NOT the Gods that they are treated as.  And playing a environmental scientist in a movie DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GENIUS OR AN EXPERT.  They think because they talked with actually intelligent people for thirty minutes so they can get into the role that they have somehow become experts in the field.  But they’re not. They’re just ordinary people with opinions like you and me.  They listen to the same idiots that you or I would.  But the weak minded actually believe the hype.  “Leo votes for Obama????  OMG he’s so smart and dreamy.  I am SOOOOO voting for Obama!  And I’m going to stop taking showers so I can do my part to protect the enviro!  Now lets get a triple mocha soy espresso latte`!”  Damn hippies.  

Anyway, as bad as it’s always been, this election is perhaps the most ridiculous of all time.  You see in the last 10 years we have been inundated with internet hype, viral videos and ‘reality tv’.  And as each day passes by, the three become closer related.  Watch CNN or Fox News, or even your own local station.  It’s become the fucking Real World.  Your news stations are turning into tabloid journalism.  It’s sensationalistic, repetitive and often full of misinformation.  Of course some people prefer to get their info from websites.  Not much better.  You have no more way of knowing if the website’s info is correct than the television.

But none of that is what is driving me nuts.

The real problem is that we have gone from realiteevee news and celebrity endorsements to celebrity candidates.  Why do we need Susan Sarandon or Janeane Garafalo when we can have Hilary or Palin?  Bye bye Brad Pitt.  Hello John McCain.  And even Angelina can’t keep up with OBAMANIA!  WOO!

Fuck it.

This is ridiculous.  Obama is by far the worst offender with his cult of personality and ridiculous viral videos (Obama Girl, anyone?).  But he’s not alone.  McCain was on The CMT Awards and the Daily Show just like the rest of them! And bobble heads!  AND COMIC BOOKS!!!!!  There are electoral candidate comic books. Why??   And Baskin-Robbins now has ice cream flavors named for them.  It’s insane. The World is FUBAR.  We have become a ridiulous parody of our own society.  South Park is a more non-partisan political show than The Daily Show or the Today Show.  We are officially a bunch of knuckle-dragging monkeys.

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!  Jane, stop this crazy thing… called celebrity.

Where will we be as a nation 10 years from now?  Will we even be functional?  Or will daily life have become a daily version of the special olympics?

I am exhausted.  Make it stop.

Giants In the Playground

So far this week has been all about politics for me.

I hate that. I hate politics because it amounts to one big fucking game.  Presidential races, particularly this one, are essentially like football games.  Idiots fighting over something they honestly have no effect or control over.  Celebrities sitting on the side lines to convince you to cheer for their favorite team.  Commercial spots.  Name calling. Hair pulling.  Nani-nani boo boos.

It’s all fucking retarded. And I get sucked in just like the rest of you.

And so far this week I’ve gotten into two arguments with people.  The first was with someone who actually had an opinion, albeit one that I obviously disagree with.  The other was with some psychotic twat who threatened to kill me on the basis of the fact that I am arguably a Republican.  Did either conversation accomplish anything?  Not really.  These arguments are like playing Battleship.  It may simulate strategy, but nothing of consequence comes from sinking your opponent’s Battleship.  It’s a game.  And like all things in human history, ultimately, it isn’t about the truth.  It’s about territorialism.  It’s about me beating you, and you beating me.  Selfishness essentially.  And always ego.   Territorialism is the root of all man’s problems.  Until the day when humanity gives up the idea of ownership or power, we’ll never be at peace.  Ack.  I sound like a fucking hallmark card.

The point is, none of it matters.  I think the difference between Obama’s supporters and everyone else, is that they seem to buy into his Cult of Personality.  Take the twat that keeps trying to beat me down verbally with her threats of violence.  She isn’t necessarily representative of the average Obama voter (Fuck, I hope not), but her… zeal is.  Look at the Obama-girl on youtube.  The bitch actually thinks he’s a super hero.  I don’t think she’s being metaphorical.   On the other end, I don’t think Republicans have actually believed in a Presidential candidate since Reagan.  Reagan may not have been history’s greatest President, but we actually believed in him.  He was the last of a dying breed.

I think all sides need to come to the agreement, that we’re just picking favorites.  Neither side has any real evidence that their guy will be a great President.  For a lot of people, we’re just going with the guy that’ll do the least damage.  Which sucks.  But it’s realistic.

Look, good intentions or not, neither of these guys is really on the side of the average person.  They can’t be.  They’re too out of touch.  McCain seems down to Earth, but this is a guy who was tortured in Vietnam.  Do you really think he shares our perspective?  And Obama is a Hollywood darling.  Who knows where his head is.  But it’s probably not among us normal folk.

It’s all stupid, really.  Just another excuse for us to pick fights with people.  Just another way for us to prove who is more superior.

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

It seems so far away now.  Seven years ago the world changed.  We swore that we would never forget. That things would never be the same.  People came together.  Old friends and loves reconnected and embraced.  Neighbors helped each other.   Little kids gave pennies from their piggy banks to help those suffering.

And suddenly we saw a brave new world in front of us.

I suppose September 11th did change us, though I would argue not for the better. Instead, looking at how fast that all went away, I think it showed us that we’re only kind and generous when we’re afraid we’re going to die.

September 11th is the day that the world lost it’s collective mind.  And insanity knows no bottom.

Take now for instance.   Russia is invading its neighbors.  Gas prices are destroying the economy.  There’s a housing crisis. The police action in Iraq is going on for nearly half a decade. Illegal immigrants are flooding our borders unabated.  Greenie’s are becoming the nazi’s of the new millenium.  And what are we doing?  Acting like ten year olds on a playground.

Today, a friend of myspace put out a bulletin with the title “Why Viagra Loving Pieces of Shit Vote for McCain”.   I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  When Obama resorts to calling a woman a pig in a public forum, why should his supporters be any different? 

No, I’m not surprised.  Just disappointed.  This is what we are.  Animals.  We tear at each other’s throats and never stop to wonder why.   This isn’t an Anti-Obama blog.  Nor is it Pro-McCain.   It’s about people.  It’s about looking at the world and saying, there’s something wrong.

Seven years ago a lot of people died in the greatest tragedy in our nation’s history.  Most of them died heroes.   And some days I wonder if they weren’t the lucky ones.   I wonder if they wouldn’t be ashamed of us and what we have done with the world in the time since.   We were given a wake-up call… a warning… and we have squandered it.

But maybe… just for today, we can do it different.  Be a little nicer to everyone around us.  Tell loved ones that YES we do love you.   And forgive.  Maybe we can try to be as civilized and intelligent as we think we are.

“May God Stand Between You and Harm in All the Empty Places Where You Walk.” ~JMS

Quote of the Day:

“THERE’S SOMETHING HAPPENING HERE,

WHAT IT IS AIN’T EXACTLY CLEAR,

THERE’S A PAIR OF LINES BEING DRAWN,

NOBODY’S RIGHT WHEN EVERYBODY’S WRONG…

STOP CHILDREN WHATS THAT SOUND,

EVERYBODY LOOK WHATS GOING ‘ROUND”

I Shaved My Balls Today

My friend Josh used to date the most useless had this side of Michael Moore, named Melody.  

One day it came up in conversation– God knows how– that Melody helps him shave.  Like… everything.   Even his balls.    Which, I had to tell him, is more than a little gay.  Shaving one’s back I understand.  It’s unsightly.   Arms, legs and chest… that’s just womanly.  Shaving you butt? OH ABSOLUTELY! For some reason, no one ever bothered to mention to me as a boy that the hair on my head would eventually migrate to my ass.  And there’s nothing more disturbing than trying to wipe and getting rugburn on your wrists.  

But your bait and tackle?   Why? Would? Anyone?  “Dude, it makes your junk look bigger!”  He never explained how, exactly.  But it doesn’t matter.  Unless you’re a pornstar, there is absolutely no reason for your genitals to exit the forest and stand free in the desert.  “That is retarded.  I would NEVER do that!”   

But then one day you find yourself naked in the shower staring down the business end of a lady bic, thinking about how Larry, Curly and Moe need a trim… and you think to yourself “why not?”

Well, I’ll tell you why not.   First of all, it itches afterwards. Razor burn is not fun.  And nothing brings the police faster than shoving your hand down your pants to scratch on a public bus.   Secondly… it actually did make my junk look bigger.  That is, if he were referring to my pubic mound, which is apparently HUGE.  It looks like my penis bought a trampoline.

Also, I cut myself a couple of times.  …   uh huh.    You know, it’s a little embarrassing when you cut your face shaving.   But when you’re shaving your genitals and you start bleeding… thats just a whole new level of FUCKED UP.  There’s no recovering from that bit of retardation. 

 Beyond that, it isn’t sexy at all.  When I’m not aroused, I look like an 8 year old with elephantitis.   My penis just looks sad, naked and depressed.

There’s a lesson in all this.  I’m just not sure what it is.  All I know is, some people get tattoos or jump off bridges because all their friends are doing it… I’m the kind of prick that shaves his dick.

Democrats Say The Cutest Things

I think it’s funny how the Dems are freaking over Sarah Palin.  Yeah, I said FREAKING.  Obama is officially a spaz. 

Why is that funny?  Because in the history of U.S. democracy, no one has ever tried so hard to smear a vice presidential candidate.  Notice, the republicans could care less about Joe Biden.  The reason being that people don’t elect based on VPs.  They have influence, sure.  But would Bill have been elected if people cared about Al Gore?  Would George Sr have gotten his trip Jimmie Carter-town if people payed attention to the biggest running gag in Vice Presidential history.  It doesn’t happen. What’s the matter Obie?  Are you scared?

You have to admit, it was brilliant.  Appointing Palin as the Republican running mate kills about thirty birds with one stone.  It solves problems people have with McCain’s age, liberal tendencies, and stability with female and liberal voters.  Not all democrats are happy with Obie as the candidate. And no matter what anyone tells you, it isn’t all because they’re bitter over Hilary.  Like many of us, some dems have a problem with Obie’s policies and want him tossed out on his popular ass.  Hell, Lieberman came right out and said, VOTE McCAIN!!!  More or less.   It isn’t all that surprising.  McCain isn’t most conservative candidate.  By any stretch of the imagination.

Nor is he necessarily the most qualified imaginable.  (And before some idiot speaks, Obie has NO qualifications, so pipe down.) After all, it’s been a loooooooong time since a military man has been in the Oval Office.  When was the last time?  Teddy Roosevelt?  (Admitted, he was one bad-ass Pres.) Oddly, Palin is very qualified.  She’s actually got experience running a government. Two actually.

But she’s just the VP candidate.  So why are they sweating?  Yes, sweating. They sunk so low that they’re tried to discredit her by saying that her speech was written by Bush’s speech writer.  (SO WHAT?????????)  If they weren’t worried about losing voters over her, they wouldn’t be talking about her. Period.  End of story.  And thats exactly whats going on.  Some people will vote for McCain in the hopes that someday it will lead to out first female President (Whether she would be a good one or not.)  Just as the majority of Obama’s supporters are voting for him just so they can have a black president, no matter how unqualified he is or how detrimental the few policies he has announced (and thats not counting the ones he’s keeping to himself) will be to our nation.

I’ll take the old man and the chick, thank you.

Quote of the Day:

“In their fear, they turned to a man they didn’t fully understand.”

~The Dark Knight (2008)

An Open Letter to Sarah Palin

Dear President of the United States of Adam’s Fantasies (aka Sarah Palin),

Ma’am, I have always considered myself somewhat progressive… not liberal, mind you… but progressive.  I believe a woman can do everything a man can do, sometimes much better than us.  Everything, that is, except drive and be President.   I am here to publicly admit that I was wrong (not about the driving, just the President thing).  I realize the error of my chauvinistic ways.  I want you to run my country as surely as I want you to rock my world.

And not just because Obama is the most unqualified candidate I’ ve ever seen and McCain was once Jesus’ fishing buddy.  No, I want you to be President in part because you are the only candidate with any actual experience running a government, but also because you are insanely hot for a forty four year old woman.   I want to have hot monkey sex with you on the desk of the oval office while giving the thumbs up to pictures of Bill Clinton, John F Kennedy, Elvis Presley, and the original playas, Thomas Jefferson and Abrahan Lincoln. (word.)  I want to give you my Lincoln Log in the Lincoln Bedroom.   Cock slap you at the Jefferson Memorial.  Doggie dong you in the Washington Monument. I’ll give you the Presidential Staff!  And break in congress while doing you Clinton style (anal sex while eating a jelly donut off your back) in front of the enitre House of Representatives.

Think of the possibilities!

A country united by your killer rack!  Peace finally achieved in the middle east as you conduct the treaty discussions like Sharon Stone In Basic Instinct!   And the State of the Union Address would get more viewers than the Superbowl when you conduct it topless!

We could achieve a world wide utopia previously undreamt of besides the fantasies of hippies fueled by tremendous hits of PCP.

All because of you Governor Palin.

And your ass that I could bounce quarters off of.

Hail to the Chief!!!!!

(I’m giving you the third arm salute, baby.)