I Shaved My Balls Today

My friend Josh used to date the most useless had this side of Michael Moore, named Melody.  

One day it came up in conversation– God knows how– that Melody helps him shave.  Like… everything.   Even his balls.    Which, I had to tell him, is more than a little gay.  Shaving one’s back I understand.  It’s unsightly.   Arms, legs and chest… that’s just womanly.  Shaving you butt? OH ABSOLUTELY! For some reason, no one ever bothered to mention to me as a boy that the hair on my head would eventually migrate to my ass.  And there’s nothing more disturbing than trying to wipe and getting rugburn on your wrists.  

But your bait and tackle?   Why? Would? Anyone?  “Dude, it makes your junk look bigger!”  He never explained how, exactly.  But it doesn’t matter.  Unless you’re a pornstar, there is absolutely no reason for your genitals to exit the forest and stand free in the desert.  “That is retarded.  I would NEVER do that!”   

But then one day you find yourself naked in the shower staring down the business end of a lady bic, thinking about how Larry, Curly and Moe need a trim… and you think to yourself “why not?”

Well, I’ll tell you why not.   First of all, it itches afterwards. Razor burn is not fun.  And nothing brings the police faster than shoving your hand down your pants to scratch on a public bus.   Secondly… it actually did make my junk look bigger.  That is, if he were referring to my pubic mound, which is apparently HUGE.  It looks like my penis bought a trampoline.

Also, I cut myself a couple of times.  …   uh huh.    You know, it’s a little embarrassing when you cut your face shaving.   But when you’re shaving your genitals and you start bleeding… thats just a whole new level of FUCKED UP.  There’s no recovering from that bit of retardation. 

 Beyond that, it isn’t sexy at all.  When I’m not aroused, I look like an 8 year old with elephantitis.   My penis just looks sad, naked and depressed.

There’s a lesson in all this.  I’m just not sure what it is.  All I know is, some people get tattoos or jump off bridges because all their friends are doing it… I’m the kind of prick that shaves his dick.


7 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Felicia on September 10, 2008 at 10:15 am

    You think stubble is bad for you? You should be on the receiving end of the stubble….


  2. I’m confused. Are you asking me to have sex with you?


  3. Posted by M to the Licious on September 10, 2008 at 10:27 am

    O.M.G….I just…dont even know what to say about this…so I take it, this was a one time thing huh. haha…oh wow.


  4. well, on the one hand, i’d like my balls to be trimmer. on the other, i don’t like it when my pubic mound bleeds. so the answer is, I have no idea. probably. i mean, it’s depressing when your penis looks sad.


  5. Amen. Men with shaved balls are just trying too hard. And really? Who wants it to look like their penis bought a trampoline.

    Keep it all natural, bay-bay.


  6. Not I, said the cow.

    Although, I don’t know about the natural look. They could go for a trim every now and again. I just wish someone would invent a trimmer that wouldn’t pinch my balls. It huuuuurts.


  7. Posted by momochacha88 on September 15, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Well different shaped heads need different haircuts, right? If you don’t like the way the mound looks, trim around it. Try shaving in the direction that your hair grows; it’ll be less close but still look neat.

    Truth is, letting it all grow wild is unpleasant when we go down, especially if we wanna go to the hilt–trust me. It’s not the worst thing, but getting neglected curlies stuck in our teeth is not fun.

    Plus, there’s something hot about a man who takes the initiative and time to groom himself. It doesn’t have to be a close shave … we do it too and we know how it can irritate when it grows back and about how you can cut yourself. For the sake of women everywhere I’d encourage men to try it three times and discover the most suitable way to do it before knockin it.


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