Archive for October, 2008

To Florida and Back

Yeah.  I’m back in New Orleans.

Can’t you tell how happy I am?
*sigh*
So I guess this is where I’ll recap.
The weekend had it’s ups an downs. The downs: I had listen to a lot of pissing and moaning from the other two.  I slept in the tub as a courtesy to them bc I was snoring.  We spent more money than I had planed.  ANd it was over far too soon.
But then there’s the good. The tub wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. We had a good time.  I finally got to take my little brother on a vacation with me.   I met the lovely Alexandra.  I bought a new brown Fedora.  And I ate like a fucking king for four days.
I love Disney.  It rebuilds and recharges me.   Just stepping off the plane I feel better.  Sure, I still went off on rants on occasion, but things just don’t bother me as much there.  I’m almost happy.   Content it the word.  Belonging.  
Then coming back to this hell tears me just as quick.
To answer your questions:
Loree: Yes, dear I had a great time. Thank you for asking.
Misty:  Everyone else knew about it.  Maybe you just weren’t listening to me.
Jo:  No, I did not turn Astra into a filthy, sex-craving zombie.
Dew(ey):  Nope, still not telling ya.
Astra met us on Sunday and spent most of the day with me.  We had breakfast at Ohana’s which is one of my favorite breakfasts of all time.  I did pop her water-slide cherry at Typhoon Lagoon.  And yes, I’m glad i was your first too.  ; b  Plenty of pics from that.  Also video of her telling me who she likes best!  (that would be me of course.)  I did leave her briefly to go pick up a rental car, but we met up at the Virgin Megastore at Downtown Disney where I had to scold her for not liking One Tree Hill.  (For SHAME Alexandra.)   She told me all about her life as a gypsy soul.  I taught her how to handle the taint.  (KIDDING!!!)  We ended the night at The Rainforest Cafe with my brother, Josh and his friend Billie who had got us into the parks the day before.   The Rainforest Cafe is kind of insane because the whole place is designed to look like a jungle.   Every twenty minutes there is a thunderstorm inside the restaurant and electronic monkeys go electric- ape- shit.  It got kind of annoying by the third time.  And then we took her home.  Sadly we only got to hang out that one day, but there’ll be other times.  And I am pleased to report that dear Alexandra (who I have decided should change her name to Alexandra Astra Proudheart) is among the coolest 19 year old girls of all time.  And I truly hope she moves to New York so she can change the world.
Beyond that, I’m not sure there’s much to tell.  I did the normal things I do at Disney… well, except for sleeping in the tub.  That’s new.   My brother came along.  I get jealous sometimes when I see families together doing things.  Like the families I saw whitewater rafting and especially at Disney. Why can’t my family be like that?  Why am I the only one who wants to see and do and experience the world? I want so badly to share with them the magic that I feel just being there. And it just hurts to know that they are so resistant.  But yeah, I did manage to get my brother Aaron to go this time.  And then only bc he found out about the Test Track ride.
At times it seemed like he was having fun.  Laughing and smiling.  At other times… I don’t know.  I can’t really get inside his head.  And as much as I try to talk to him, it seems he just can’t or won’t relate to me.  I really hope he had fun.  I just wish he could have seen it all the way I see it.
I did a lot of thinking while I was there.  That isn’t unusual, but being in Florida lifts a lot of the fog that I experience here.  I see things clearer.  I had an idea for a new sci fi book.  And also, I think I might try and write a children’s book.   There are other things, but those are just for me.
As I said, it all went by so quickly.  Getting off that plane was no easy task.  And really, I just want to go back.  
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What Little I Know

What little I know about the world could be held in the palm of your hand.

Never wish for the weekend.  Everyday spent wishing for another is a wasted moment of your life.  Use every moment to it’s fullest.   After all, you’re 2.5 times more likely to die on a weekday than a weekend.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.   Mistakes are the world’s greatest teachers.  And like all things, they are inevitable.

Never assume someone else knows what they’re talking about just because you don’t.  More often than not, the people around you are just as retarded and full of shit as you are.

Be a leader, not a follower.  At least when you fuck up as a leader, it wasn’t because you were following some other asshole’s lead.

Ask a lot of questions, and never settle for cheap answers.  Everyone is trying to bullshit someone, and the ones who ask questions are the least likely to step in it.

Don’t let someone tell you that you’re wrong without first making them prove it.  More often than not, people win arguments because they bark loudest, even if they have no idea what they are saying.  “You’re wrong and I’m right” is not an acceptable argument.

Think with your brain, but believe with all your heart.  You can’t go through life trusting people blindly, but neither can you live without any trust.  Be smart about who you trust, but don’t be afraid to love.

Sing out loud, and make sure everyone can hear you.   Even if you have a terrible voice, everyone deserves to be heard.

It’s never too late for second chances, no matter how broken you are.   Each day that the sun rises is another opportunity to start over.  Use it.

Embrace fear.  Fear keeps you alive, keeps you moving.  Don’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  Face it.  That is true strength.

Judge a man by his actions, not his words.  Most people are full of shit.  They’ll talk the talk right up until you ask them to prove it.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.   Don’t play games or boast.

Never be afraid to call an asshole an asshole.  He/ she deserves it.

Nothing in life is safe or certain.  So don’t take anything for granted.

I don’t know if there is a God or an Afterlife, but there is magic in the world.  Never let anyone tell you different.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is back down from a fight.  Be smart enough to know when you should.

Don’t ignore that little voice in the back of your mind.  They’re often right.

Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.

Failing a task does not make you a failure. Only giving up does that.

Dance as often as you can.  It’s good for the soul.

Never stop being yourself because someone tells you it isn’t normal.  Screw them.  Normal people suck.

If you meet someone and all you can think about it kissing them, hold on and don’t let go.

Always fight for your beliefs, no matter what happens.

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

I actually saw Nick and Norah at a free preview a few weeks ago.  Normally my reviews are prompt, but in this case I decided to reserve judgment.  People are always saying the same thing when you adapt a book to movie format.   “The book was better.”  Sometimes that’s true.  Sometimes its just that you read the book first and you expected it to be shot for shot the same thing.  Which doesn’t happen (unless you’re Frank Miller apparently).  So I decided to find out for myself.

I finished the book.  I saw the movie.   And the long and short of it is, the movie was better, but not by much.

That’s surprising to me, because I expected the book to be better.  You see, I like N&N, but it’s a movie that never gave me the impression that it strived to be anything more than an average teen comedy.  Just entertaining enough to be likable, but not funny enough to be extraordinary.   The book on the other hand strives (and briefly succeeds) at being brilliant and charming and whimsical.  The problem is that like most teenagers, it comes off as fake.  The book is often too clever for it’s own good and in the end, it’s kind of annoying and very distracting.

THE BOOK

The book was conceived and written by a male and female writing team who do a he said/ she said riff.   At first it seems to work, because they flow well together.  Nick and Norah thereby have distinctly different voices without being obnoxiously awkward.  Unfortunately by the third chapter, the difference between the two writers is obvious.   Nick’s chapter are the product of a more mature writers.  The witty hyperboles and smilies and constant pop culture references don’t come off as too forced.  It isn’t perfect mind you, but it’s a step in the right direction.  Norah’s chapters, however… suck.  Not majorly. But they are products of a writer who was published a bit too soon.  For instance, Norah has a tendency to go off on these (Extremely Annoying and sadly pathetic and poseur) rants about music and fighting the man and what Punk Rock is all about (something that she clearly is ignorant of).   The problem is that she goes into these rants at the most improbable and inopportune times.  No one goes off on a three minute tear about how they got pissed at their Dad for not signing some stupid indy-pop band full of drugged up losers with names clearly inspired by Stan Lee circa 1967 during the span of a 30-second kiss that supposedly blows her mind.  It’s stupid.  It’s okay to use that method of speech when you’re writing through a narrator about something that happened past tense.  But it’s ridiculous to do it in the present tense.

So yeah, half of it is poorly written.  That being said, it isn’t a bad book.  I liked it.  It’s charming in it’s way, and some of the characters work much better in the book than the movie.  It’s definitely worth reading; it just isn’t anything special.

THE MOVIE

First off, Michael Cera plays Nick, so right away it’s going to be different based on that alone.  Cera is a very fun, quirky actor (who curiously reminds me of Beak from the X-Men).  But he is very quickly becoming pigeon-holed as a one-note actor.  He’d better start distancing himself from these roles quickly or he’s going to end up more hated than Shia LeBoeuhuhuhffuh (sp?)  Kat Dennings, on the other hand, was perfect.  She’s clearly a star in the making.   What’s interesting is that when I read the book, I was picturing her as Norah the whole time.  Whereas with Nick, I just couldn’t reconcile Cera’s speech and mannerisms with the character.   I enjoyed Cera, don’t get me wrong; I just think he needs to try something new.  (Not everyone can get away with playing themselves for fifty years, can they Jack Nicholson?)

What’s interesting here is that the movie borrows very liberally from the book, almost to the point where you’re wondering if the screenwriter couldn’t make up his mind as to whether or not to ignore the book completely.  It isn’t a criminal act, just a weird one.  He randomly inserts plot points, scenes and characters into different points in the movie.  It didn’t matter much in watching since it was all new to me at the time, but I would imagine a book fan might find the randomness of it all very distracting. 

One of the few sinful acts of the movie is the handling of the “villain”, Tris.   While she is still kind of a bitch in the book, she is nowhere near the cartoonish stereotype that she appears to be in the movie.   In fact, once you get to the meat of the story, Tris is by far one of the most complex and interesting characters introduced.  It’s sad that they had to diffuse her personality to serve the 2-dimensional needs of a stereotypical audience.

OVERALL

I can’t really say which the average viewer would like better.  On the one hand, the movie is cheaper and shorter. On the other hand, people should read more.

 

PLAYLIST FOR READING NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST

  1. The Ramones- I Wanna Be Sedated
  2. Whatcha Want & Intergalactic- The Beastie Boys
  3. Kiss Me- Sixpence None the Richer
  4. Hey There Delilah- Plain White T’s
  5. Chemical Party- Gavin DeGraw
  6. How Blue Can You Get? -BB King
  7. Drops of Jupiter- Train
  8. That Thing You Do- A New Found Glory
  9. Hello- Lionel Richie
  10. Wild Horses- Mazzy Star
  11. Doing It -LL Cool J
  12. I Want to Hold Your Hand- The Beatles
  13. Midnight Train to Georgia -Gladys Knight

Someone to Hate

First off, I have to put up a little disclaimer.  Very seldom do my posts venture into the territory of Adult Situations (in fact, I believe ‘juvenile’ is the term most often used to describe…).   This one, however, is potentially a little offensive.   Now if you are easily offended by frank sexual discussions, you should really go fuck yourself.  I don’t care.  BUT sometimes my family reads this, so… Aunt Angie, please kindly skip this post. (Love, your charming nephew)

In the greater scheme of things, my desire is to find someone to love.  Someone to share my life.  To grow old with.  To let me suck on her boobs.   That would be nice.

But I’m a young guy and I don’t have time for all that shit.

Honestly, the current plan is to leave Louisiana next year.  Once I’m settled in Florida, I am all about finding love.  For now though, a girlfriend is a potential hindrance.  I ain’t stayin’.  Not for anything.   Still, I’m horny.   And my right hand is rocking like a body builder.  Assistance is required.

Now you may ask, “Adam, why don’t you have a fuck buddy?”

Well, first of all, fuck you.  The Adam does not merely fuck.   He makes sweet sweet love to all the sexy ladies.

But I don’t think Friends with Benefits is a good idea.  It gets messy.  Feelings always get involved.  And I don’t think sex is worth losing a friend.  Female friends are hard to come by, after all.

No, what I think the situation calls for is someone to hate.  Here me out, I’ve thought this through.

If vengeance is a dish best served cold, sex is best when absolutely sub-zero.  So many of our hang ups about life and sex revolve around the fact that we care what other people think.   So what if you found someone that you couldn’t stand, who couldn’t stand you?  Two people with nothing in common but mutual disdain, who need the release?   You would be free to let out your inner freak!  After all, if she thinks its weird you can just tell her to go to hell.  When you’re done using each other, there’s no need to cuddle. She’ll just leave.  If you finish without her, who gives a shit?  IT’S PERFECT!

Sure there will be drama, but no chance of unfortunate, doomed romance.  And the best part is, you have no fear of being shot down!  Ah, if only I had someone to hate.  Life would be sweet.

Hate: it’s what’s for dinner.

Books by Their Cover 10-8

 

Final Crisis

Final Crisis

Darkseid invites Batman to a party at his house.  Unfortunately when Batman gets hammered, Darkseid’s dickish friends decide to write ‘Brucie is a Douche!’ on his forehead while filming it.

I’m gonna give this one a thumbs down.  Reminds me of too many bad college memories.

 

Final Crisis Revelations

Final Crisis Revelations

Batwoman visits her OBGYN when she begins to experience a strange burning sensation in her crotch.  “Doctor, my vagina smells like egg salad.”

Well, I’ll never eat egg-salad again, but I love the lead up with the Girls Gone Wild where Batwoman shows us her Bat boobies.

 

 

Cartoon Network Presents

Cartoon Network Presents

Uhhh… I got nothing.

 

 

DC Goes Ape

DC Goes Ape

If you’ve ever wondered what Wally West (aka THE FLASH!) thinks about when he’s on the toilet… you should probably stop that. It’s disturbing.

Apparently Wally daydreams about giant monkeys eating tiny monkey versions of his friends.  And more monkeys.  The entire issue was bananas.  (come on! you know you smiled.)

 

 

 

Outsiders TPB

Outsiders TPB

The Dc Universe explores what happens when George Bush gets a third term.

RUN AWWWAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Action Comics

Action Comics

 Clark Kent pursues his lifelong dream of joining the New Kids on the Block.  Meanwhile Lois tries to figure out how she ended up married to such a pussy.

Superman and New Kids on the Block.  It’s like the first time someone put their chocolate inside your peanut butter.  But even gayer.

 

 

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

 

 

Lil Shaniquanza points out that indeed Diana ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda.  And neither does lil’ Suzie.

Sadly my anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got buns, hun.  HATED IT!  (two snaps up)

 

 

Amazing Spider Girl 25

Amazing Spider Girl 25

Mayday Parker finds out exactly why her Dad didn’t want her going out with Flash “Boner” Thompson, Jr, while learning a valuable lesson about the value of using protection.

This was kind of a kiddie issue if you ask me.  Skip it.

 

 

Avengers Invader 5

Avengers Invader 5

The Marvel Universe discovers what happens when Lost and Family Guy come on at the same time!  The Avengers and the Invaders battle it out to see who gets control of the remote!!

I hate Family Guy, so I kinda dug that the Avengers won.  Besides, Kate is so hot!!

 

 

Marvel Zombies 3  #1

Marvel Zombies 3 #1

Jocasta discovers that Aaron Stack is indeed not carrying a nightstick in his pocket.  And he is very much happy to see her.

Well, no Fleshy Ones.  Plus, ROBOTS DOIN IT!  Totally worth it.

 

 

Moon Knight Christmas Special

Moon Knight Christmas Special

“Jingle bells, The Dark Knight smells, batman is totally gaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!”

 

See ya next week everybody!  Bye now!

Books By Their Cover 10-1

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Books by their Cover, where I review some of this week’s comics merely by looking at their cover.   Seriously.

 

Batman #680

Batman #680

The Dark Knight faces off against the deadly Club of Villains.  Backed into a corner, Batman does the unthinkable!  He takes a massive dump on the floor, forcing his arch-foes to run from the stench.  Even Robin is completely grossed out at the sight of a forty year old man in a Bat costume shitting himself in a sanitarium.  “Look dude… I think it’s time I got my own place.”   This is exactly the kind of mindblowing, swing for the fences comic that makes Grant Morrison a genius.

 

Nightwing

Nightwing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Batman absent, Dick Grayson seeks to take up the slack, resulting in a deadly game of Twister! I’m not sure about the premise.  I mean, everybody loves Twister, but there’s only one chick and she’s watching.   Its a sausage fest. Pass.

 

Manhunter

Manhunter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

During a sleepover, Kate’s best friend gets her period. In a house without tampons, Manhunter will show us all why she kills men.

I’m sold.

 

Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a very special issue, Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray explore the ramifications of Jonah’s camel toe.  You had me at “camel toe”.  I was a little disappointed at the end when Jonah spends ten pages crying into his beer, whining to the bartender about having a man-gyna.

 

The Third Kryptonian

SUPERMAN: The Third Kryptonian

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

198 pages of the Man of Steel walking like an egyptian. A revealing look at how the Man of Tomorrow was put here on Earth, not to save us from ourselves, but to shake what his Mama gave him.

Surprising satisfying.   Right on.

 

Marvel Apes #3

Marvel Apes #3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even as a monkey, Kirsten Dunst is a whiny bitch.

Bah.  Rehash of Spider-man 2.  But with the benefit of monkey Peter Parker not coming off really really gay.

 

Punisher War Journal #24

Punisher War Journal #24

Alone, behind bars.  Frank Castle… uhh… “takes matters into his own hands.”

I saw a movie like this once.  Dad grounded me for a month when he caught me watching it.

 

the Depths #2

Sub Mariner: the Depths #2

Namor finally comes to terms with the side of himself he’s denied all these years.  And the readers discover a new context for the name “the depths”.

What is this, Oz week at Marvel?  (OH COME ON! THIS IS CLEARLY MAN RAPE ON THE COVER.)

Well folks, thats all for this week’s addition.  Tune in next time for more inappropriate gay and doody jokes.  Bye yall.

~Adam