Me-Hee-Co: Day 1

I suppose if you were to give me credit for one thing, it’s that I’m never boring.   Or maybe it would be how fucking sexy I am.  But that would definitely be in the top two.

No, where I go hi-jinks and general hilarity are sure to ensue. So I had to break up the break down of my cruise to Mexico into 5 parts.  Some of it will be funny.  Some of it a little depressing.  But it damn sure won’t be boring.
Around May I was invited by my best friend Josh to go on a cruise.  The catch was that it was with his Aunt and Uncle and her line dancing club which consisted of people from ages 60 to fucking ancient.  Some of these women fucked Moses.  I think at least two of them may have run the train on Ben Franklin.  Not sure.   There were exactly 4 people under the age of 40: myself, Josh, his cousin Maria and a beautiful girl named Ashley who sort of knew them from around the neighborhood.  Those odds didn’t bother me much because I had my own plans once we got the ship.
Saturday Morning:
I got to his Aunt and Uncle’s house with a fresh Smirnoff Ice ready to kick start my vacation.  Yes, Smirnoff Ice.  Fuck you.  I am a real man and drinking beer is like paying someone to take a piss in your mouth after they spent all night fucking (think about that morning’s piss and the head on a beer glass.  Got it?)  Anyway, Josh’s Grandfather took us to the port and we were on the ship by noon.  Being chronic over-eaters on an all-night floating smorgasbord (“orgasbord, orgasbord”), we availed ourselves of the lunchtime buffet.  Ice cream and chicken a doughnut rings, these are a few of my fay-vo-right things!  They may as well have strapped feed bags to our mouths.  It was a vicious cycle that has yet to be broken for the last five days.  Fuuck.  Two more days on that damn boat and I would have my own fucking competitive gravitational field.
Our ship was the Carnival Fantasy, which sounds bit like pornography for clowns.  Because it’s stationed in New Orleans, its pretty much the smallest and cheapest ship in the fleet.  It’s the K-Mart of cruise ships.  Which essentially makes me trailer trash in any language.
I’d been on the Fantasy before, so I mostly knew what to expect.  What I didn’t consider was the timing.  Apparently very few young people go on cruises in Winter and Fall.   The ship smelled like an old folks home most of the time.  That weird mix of linoleum, socks, ovaltine and ass hung in the air.   And nothing will rob you of your ability to sustain an erection like the sight of someone’s bra-less grandmother shaking her kibbles and bits to the sounds of 50 Cent.
But there were a small percentage of reasonably attractive women.  And a few of them were even unattached.   Granted, I didn’t really meet any of these mythical women, but I did get a look at them.
Okay, I have to confess, that first days on a cruise ship are a little boring to read about.   Not much happens.  You familiarize yourself with the ship, check out the “Welcome Aboard” show and then you go to bed.  We did try to do a couple of things.   My nightly ritual on cruises is to go to the karaoke lounge, crank it up and live out loud.  Singing is just about the only thing in the world that makes me feel good about me.  I turned out my favorite Gary Allan tune to poor results, and we left.  There was supposed to be a singles night for people between 22 and 35 in the ship’s nightclub, but when we got there all we saw was the Golden Girls busting a move/hip.
That night I went to sleep with visions of sagging, wrinkled tits swinging back and forth like pendulums dancing in my head.
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3 responses to this post.

  1. I’m thinkin’ there’s at least one other thing in the world that makes you feel good about you, but it escapes me at the moment. I’ll consult with M and get back to you on that. This is funny, but not quite the decadent string of perversions I had hopes of for you. Quite.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Ad Astra on November 21, 2008 at 3:19 am

    ” And nothing will rob you of your ability to sustain an erection like the sight of someone’s bra-less grandmother shaking her kibbles and bits to the sounds of 50 Cent.”

    AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Ooooh A, I love your stories. I’m sure I’ll enjoy all the parts. Whatever emotion they ring out on me.

    I, sadly, or not so sadly depending on, have never taken part in karaoke. We should find a place and kick up the mic when you’re down here some day.

    Reply

  3. Loree- yes there is that one other thing, but it requires a willing partner, leftover pizza, a saddle and a lot of lube.

    Astra- we will do that the next time I am in your vicinity.

    Reply

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