Desperately Seeking Something

It’s a lonely world out there.  Everybody needs somebody sometime.  That’s what the American Express jingle claims anyway.  So being single, I decided to try my hand at the Craigslist personals.  Here’s some of my more interesting findings.

SWF looking for SWPM to give me a grand-slam wedgie-fo-real, just like my older brother used to do before he was killed in Iraq. I’ve got tons of brand new cotton undies, and I want you to use them to sling me across the room into my dresser and hang me from the doorknob. Tear off the elastic and gag me with it. If you do it right I’ll be your mommy, your sister and your cock whisperer.  Please be financially stable, without a drug or drinking problem. Also be between the ages of 26-30. No shorties, no smokers and no car salesmen.  I’m super pumped! 

Here’s the thing, if you’re looking for someone to give you erotic wedgies like your dead older brother used to give you, asking that this person not be an alcoholic is just asking too much.  Furthermore, after ripping the elastic of your panties in the atomic wedgie to end all atomic wedgies, I would prefer you not pretend to be my mother or any of my relatives.  And I have no idea what a cock whisperer is, but it sounds like someone who has conversations with chickens.  On the other hand, the car salesman ban shows that she has a good head on her shoulders.  So, maybe.

I can bring out the best in you. I will train you how to kiss, touch, talk and treat a woman. I will build up your self confidence and tell you what needs improvement.  About me: I am attractive, young,smart, trustworth and discreet.  Email me for more information.

Can you train me how to put up with high maintenance women clearly suffering from Jan Brady Syndrome?  I think the only thing I would learn from dating this chick is that I’m actually okay with hitting women under the right circumstances.

where’s that guy with the glass slipper? 🙂 – 35

Ok, he’s late…way! late! 
so I thought I’d give him some help! 
I don’t care how old you are & neither should you. 
If you are an “old soul” but chronologically challenged (“legal”, though) – 
I still will want to know you… 
If you are “young at heart” but long in the tooth…
okay, if I don’t have to ride to dinner on your electric wheelchair… 
If hygeine is a new word for you…ummm, bye… 
I want you to be literate…if that is a new word for you…
best wishes… 
If you smoke…I like breathing… 
If you’re married…
be good to her! 
(and get off this site!!!!) 
I want to laugh til our sides hurt at funny movies, wear costumes, sail, dance, sing! 
Life is Good, let’s be Good In It Together! 
Seriously, what’s with the poetic form?  She’s looking for an alcoholic who likes Steel Magnolias, not the goddamn Cat in the Hat. I suspect this lady watches Oprah religiously and owns a lot of cats, each of which adorns it’s own handmade t-shirt which she wears daily.   I’m thinking Harry Potter bed sheets and the Sex and the City complete box set.  One  day she’ll kill herself like Sylvia Plath and the land lord will discover her body a month later, half eaten by the cats.
I got flagged last time and I don’t know why?! Anyways, Is wanting a good man to much to ask for? I didn’t think so. I’m a bbw seeking a man to maybe start a relationship with. I’m not the typical girl that needs to know every little detail about your day and won’t rest until I know everything. I just want someone around to spend time with and have fun with and still have my independance. I’m easy going and like to laugh so I would hope that you have a good sence of humor as well.  Tattooed and pierced guys are always a plus but I am open for anything. So if this sounds good then email me and we can set something up! Send a pic and I will send one back to you. Can’t wait to hear from you! 
Most of this is pretty straight forward.  She’s a big black woman looking for a guy who cheats on her and doesn’t want to get caught.  Right on.  Two red flags though. One, she got banned and feels the need to tell you right off the bat. So what did she get banned for?   Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that her only caveat is that the man be tattooed and pierced.   Frak that, I saw Flava of Love.  This can only end with someone getting their gold tooth knocked out.

I am a Butterfly looking to taste the nectar of life – 26 (LA New Orleans)

Old fashioned romantic? Intelligent and sweet? Secure both emotionally and financially? 27-38 years old?  Looking for something real and eventually serious? I would love to hear from you.  Your pic gets mine. Talk to you soon. 🙂 
I’ve seen this entry a bunch of time, each with a different heading.  That makes me think it’s either a bot or someone with short term memory loss.  Also… the nectar of life?  seriously?

Now Accepting Applications for a Weekend Boyfriend… – 25 (New Orleans, LA)

Hey, I’m a hot asian broad. I want a hot weekend boyfriend. Basically, I want a guy to hangout with on the weekends… and by the weekend, I just mean Saturdays. I don’t want any contact during the week to avoid all the drama and stupidity that comes with a relationship.
I love how she is so strictly business about this.  I’m a chick, I want your dick, time is money, taste my honey.  …  I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, it just worked out that way…. I’ve still got time.  (Sorry)   Also, I have never heard a woman call herself a broad before.   Anyway, either she has six other guys “hanging out” one day a week, or her husband works on Saturday.  
But on the other hand, she is a hot Asian, so I may have to investigate further.

Sick of theThe Run Around…………With fake chicks? – 33 (Nola)

Hummmm………..I think we have all experienced this at some point in our life some more than others!!!!Sorry to say you won’t have that experience here and you won’t be redirected to a some link with fake girls!!!!!  About me single female searching for a laid back cute male!!Race is not important!!just be mentally stable….and nice!   

 
   
Clearly this girl was absent the day they taught the meanings and uses of punctuation.  

Despite her subtley I have determined that she really hates fake chicks and seems to believe that every woman who is not her is a whore.  They’re all fake chicks, with fake tits, and fake names, living on an island called Fake-topia where they fake men’s brains out.  (Mental note: google map Fake-topia.)

But what really what bothers me here is the picture.  Why is she showing us a bush in a driveway?  Maybe it’s the entrance to Fake-topia.

Honesty is always the best policy…right? – 29 (Uptown)

 

So, I’ve posted here before…if I sound familiar, it’s possible that I am. 🙂 Craigslist has helped me meet some interesting people, but no one that stuck, you know what I mean? And that’s what I’m looking for, someone who sticks.  Here are some fun facts about me and what I’m looking for:  1. I want to be with someone long term. I don’t expect to be your girlfriend right away, and just because I say I’m interested in you doesn’t mean I want to marry you in the next year or bear your children sooner. I’m as nervous to get into a commited relationship as you! It’s scary, I get it. But I’m willing to see if it works, you know?  2. I’m doing pretty well on my own. I have a new car, a house, a good job. I’m not helpless, although, believe you me, it’s super nice to have someone around to help with things like what color should I paint this room, or oh no, the cat’s sick, can you take her to the vet for me?  3. As far as looks go, I’ve dated all kinds. Fat, skinny, white, black, ugly, cute. What’s most important to me is that you accept me for who I am, and that we have stuff in common. Like, I like to go out, but I generally prefer to stay in or do low-key things. If you would put “likes to party” on you list of likes, we’re probably not soulmates. I like reading, especially home improvement mags, going for walks to check out the beauty of this city, and driving around just for the heck of it.  4. As far as my looks go, I’m cute. I have a nice smile…I smile with my eyes. 🙂 I could stand to lose some weight. I’ve always been curvy/slightly chubby. After the storm, I’m a little more so. Still cute though.  5. Okay, this is something I haven’t put in an ad before, but I’m going to here cause I hate the “talk” that has to occur if I don’t. I have herpes and hpv. Apparently, the hpv will most likely go away at some point. Herpes doesn’t. Currently, I don’t take medicine for it, and if I did, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t get it. It’s sucky, but not the end of the world. Not that this should matter, but I know how people think…I got it from the first man I was ever with. He, unfortunately for me, didn’t believe in the title of my ad.  So, that’s just a little part of me. I’ve got stuff to do on a Sunday, so I won’t get into more detail quite yet. I have pics that I’d love to share with you, but you know, don’t need them up here for the world to see quite yet. 
What have we learned today children?  That’s right honestly is clearly not the best policy in some cases.  Jesus, I just finished reading her want ad and I’m already sick of her mouth.   Also?  While it’s admirable that she wants guys to know before things get serious, having multiple STDs is something you should really break to a guy subtley.  But that’s okay.

Frankly, she lost me at “I smile with my eyes.”  WHAT????!  What kind of a mutant freak are you??  Every  time I went in for a kiss I’d be scared to death your mutant eyes would fucking eat me!
That’s all for this week’s edition of Fun with Craigslist.

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