The Balance

When I was “studying” for my motorcycle road test this weekend, I noticed very quickly what the common thread of my problems were. Like all things, riding a motorcycle requires the proper application of power and control. I like to go fast. It is my need, my obsession. So I ride the throttle on my bike. And in my truck I drive with a heavy foot. In the truck all it does it fuck up my gas mileage. On a bike… the consequences are more serious.

What is ironic about all of this, is that historically, this is not who I am. When I was younger… well into my teens, in fact… I was considered weak. Prey to many around me. As with most children of fair intellect and limited physical resources, I adapted. Whereas most boys kicked doors down, I learned to finesse the locks. I was the ninja to my contemporaries’ barbarians; the grifter to their thief. It became a source of pride for me. What I lacked in force, I made up for with control.

But in the summer before College started something happened. I evolved from child to young adult. I discovered my own power. The circumstances surrounding this discovery are unimportant. What is important is that I realized that I was no longer considered the frail child. While people were still out to get me, they were less likely to underestimate me. I was a man, with my own power. Once I accepted that power, I began to revel in it.

And somewhere along the way I forgot about the control. I unleashed a monster within myself, and I never once remembered to rein him back in. Bruce Banner has been gone for ten years, while the Hulk has roamed free. When I’m angry, I let it out. If I feel as though someone is walking on me, I decimate them. In many ways this is a good thing. But it has led to me being unfocused and… without aim.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to that shy, contemplative boy of times past. I used to meditate, you know? It was my saving grace. Because in the end, meditation IS control. It is accepting that you cannot control the world, and choosing instead to control yourself. Focusing on a single note in a cacophony of sound. Now I don’t even remember the mental discipline it takes.

Power and control. Not opposites. Nor is it the proverbial “two sides of the same coin”. Instead, they are two entities in a symbiotic relationship. Both relying on the other to survive.  

I need to find what once was mine if I ever want to succeed.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Wow. Well, you just knocked that one out of the park. Seems like there’s something there I need to pay attention to, in slightly different form.

    I’ll get back to you on that. Nice job.


  2. Your statement breeds curiosity. Hope that comes together for you.


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