Archive for May, 2009

Naughty Vignettes

“This is crazy.”  he thought as his left shoe flew at the door, rebounding and shattering his lamp.

This is not the kind of guy he is.   Who takes a strange girl home after a couple drinks?  She could have a disease.  She could be a whore.  She could be his cousin.  She could even be a Democrat.  That succession of bad thoughts sent a chill up his spine that made him break the kiss.  It took about 3 seconds to dislodge her tongue from his throat.
This is crazy.  He’s not this guy.  This is not his cheap cologne.  This is not his 20 dollar silver Faux-lex.  This isn’t his crusty hair gel creating the perfect sleazy quaf that shines under a neon moon.   … And that is definitely not his hands cupping a cheeleader’s ass.
Larry.  This is Larry’s doing.   “She’s a bitch.” he said. “Always said you could do better.” he said. “Let’s get a few drinks.” he said.   “Gonna get you LAID.” he said. Larry’s pitch sounded fine.  His theories had merit.  And like most bad situations, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  But oh, then there are hotties with boyfriends and drunken mis-understandings and sloppy bathroom revenge screws that lead to massive bar brawls and getting thrown out and starting all over again at the bar up the street– oh my.
Her bra is on the floor. Her –BRA– is on the floor.   Yes.  Those are her breasts.
His pants come off so quick he nearly falls.   This is not his life.  Things like this don’t happen to boys who write poetry and play World of Warcraft.    Romantics don’t do one handed monkey flips to blondes named Denise… or is it Marisa?  Good boys don’t rebound from their slutty ex-girlfriends with a one night stand.
Ohhh. Wonder how long it would take to get her tongue out of there?
“This should stop.” he thinks.  “This should… definitely… stop.  In a minute or two.”  As his head hangs upside down off the couch, he considers putting those brakes on before he makes a mistake … for the second time in an hour.  But then he remembers that crooked little smirk.  Of all the bars in all the world, Lisa had to walk into his.  By the way she carried on, you would think she’d followed him just to rub the other men in his face.  It wasn’t enough that she broke his heart, she wouldn’t stop until it lay beating in her hand.
He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.   And then came the whiskey. Just a shot. And then another.  And another.  And the next thing he knew he was on the bar with his shirt unbuttoned singing Paradise City while Denise here (or is it Cherise?) gave out swoons previously only reserved for Elvis Presley and Henry Kissinger.
And then suddenly there’s naughty language and forshadowing.  And sloppy makeouts.  Nudity.   The occasional violated stuffed animal.  And of course, one handed monkey flips.
Maybe he is this guy.  Just maybe.  At least for tonight.  And then twice more tomorrow morning.
…  JACKIE!  Her name is Jackie!  It’s tattooed on her butt.
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XXXSenatorXXX

 

Would you vote for this woman?

Would you vote for this woman?

 

 

In case you haven’t heard, Louisiana Senator David Vitter is up for re-election soon and so far his most vocal candidate is a pornographic film actress.

That’s not a joke, at least not on my part.  The creators of DraftStormy.com began a campaign without the actress’ notice.  She apparently decided to leave the site alone as a bit of a lark.  Now people are wondering how much of a joke it is.

I’ve masturbated to a lot of Stormy Daniels films. I’ve seen the freckles on her taint in hi-def. I successfully jacked it to that 1 minute scene she had in The 40 Year Old Virgin with her tits out.  Once I even motorboated her tits in a dingy Baton Rouge bar while various drunks sang the LSU fight song.   Don’t ask.  So I’m probably going to be more fair to her than anyone in the actual media; which is to say I am going to treat her seriously.

Stormy Daniels is not the airhead that those opposed to pornography would like you to believe.  She’s not some cracked out hooker either.  In the wake of Jenna Jameson and the spread of internet viability, porn stars have become not only entrepeneurs, but brand names.  And Stormy Daniels is currently the reigning queen of porn.

Daniels writes, directs, produces  and stars in her own films.  And the sarcastic reader might ask how hard it can be to moan in front of a handi-cam?  But anyone who has ever attempted to shoot anything on film regardless of how short it is can tell you… it’s  A LOT harder than you think.  Stormy Daniels may literally be the hardest working actress in show business.

And I’ve heard her speak on various subjects.  She’s at least as smart as the average person, if not smarter (she makes a lot more money than most of you).  And the fact that she’s run her own business makes her more qualified to be the President of the United States than the actual President is. And there is a VERY good chance that a lot of men would vote for her behind closed doors just so they could pretend to take an active interest in politics.

That said, I wouldn’t vote for her.  And it isn’t because I know both styles of hair cuts she sports on any given day.  No, I don’t think Stormy Daniels is any less qualified to enter Congress because of her pornographic exploits than Al Franken is because of his exploits as Stuart Smalley. 

The reason I wouldn’t vote for her is because I feel that if she were elected it would because of her beauty and notoriety.  We are a nation that has become obsessed with image and marketing.  It rules our lives.  Whether you like President Obama or not, you have to admit that people are dietizing the man.  They’re so obsessed with his cult of personality that they buy shirts of him dressed as Superman.  And the election of a Porn Star only stands to blur that line between whats right and what looks good even further.

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And no one is taking the idea of her running as seriously, but remember, two years ago, no one took Obama seriously either.  She’s smart.  She’s successful and she’s beautiful in a way that frankly isn’t trashy at all.  More than that, she’s more qualified to write legislation on sex education and STD’s than just about anyone you’ve ever met.

l49883899635_6550She’s involved in charities to protect children from the dangers of child pornography.  And unlike most Senators, she doesn’t have to worry about scandals distracting her from doing her job (I’m looking at you David Vitter) or motivation by greed (Ray Nagin, take a bow).

To be honest, I’ve almost convinced myself she should be elected.   But everytime you cross those lines, you make them disappear.  

At the very least, I would be interested to see how a race like that would play out.  And people would care more about politics.  Plus it would be cool to say I’ve touched the Senator’s titties.  And yes, they were just as soft and supple as you imagined they were.

 

 

Check out this video where the Daily Beast interviews her. And be honest, would you suspect her of being anything other than a nice, normal woman if you weren’t told anything?

A Better Republic(an)

I have a crush on Meghan McCain.   Can’t help it; she’s a smokin’ lil thing.  I read some of her blogs, but not for that reason.  Mostly I ended up on McCainBlogette.com because I was a supporter of John McCain.  And I’m not ashamed to say that I have been since the election in 2000.  I don’t agree with everything the Senator McCain stands for, but I feel he represents me much more than anyone the Democratic Party will ever come up with.  So I followed his daughter’s coverage of the campaign.  

Since then I have followed her here and there at the Daily Beast including articles such as this.  To some degree or another the article is about the viability of the Republican Party, but more specifically about the Republican views on sex.  Here I would like to take a look at both, because I think she makes a lot of good points, but her opinion needs a little age and wisdom on it.

There is a segment of the Conservative movement that is somewhat afraid of Meghan McCain.  Because for some reason she has been singled out as the face of the next generation of Republicans.  And that is a little scary because she’s somewhat moderate in her Party views.  She is of the opinion that the Republican Party needs changing, and she’s not wrong, but the changes that the party are going through aren’t necessarily positive.

And my only real concern with Ms McCain is that she sort of unconsciously validates the ideas of people like James Carville who claim that hardline conservatives are dying old white men.    And it just isn’t true.  Conservatives are formed of every age, gender and ethnicity.  And while the political party may need to … I don’t want to say change exactly… but perhaps re-focus itself, it does not need to move further to the center.  And understand that there is a difference between Republicans and Conservatives.  The Republicans are the political party that supposedly represents the Conservatives.   A political party can compromise.  A political party can be moderate.  A Conservative cannot, by definition be moderate or compromising.  A Conservative is a person who believes in the conservation of the Constitution as it stands and that the document does not need to be interpreted or revised.  There is no compromise on that.  You can’t say “well, I like Freedom of Speech, but I don’t like guns, so you can lose that.”   You can’t say that you deserve free speech but talk radio hosts don’t. Once you erase that line in the sand, it’s gone.

Which is the real torture of being Conservative.  The Liberal/ Progressive movement can pretty much say or do whatever they want.  Barack Obama can throw out every promise under the sun.  Free health care and housing and schooling and a magic carpet ride.  It doesn’t matter because their voters aren’t concerned with statistical or historical facts.  A Republican candidate can’t do that.   Because all of those things expand government and concentrate power in the political sector.  And if you tell the voters you are paying for nationalized Health Care, you need to be able to prove that you can do it without raising taxes or borrowing more money.  You can’t tell a true Conservative you’re going to over-tax the rich and the businesses.  Because a true Conservative knows that Barack Obama is NOT the modern day Robin Hood his supporters believe him to be.  When you take from the rich, you are affecting the poor.  You punish the one and you hurt the other, because economic classes naturally form a symbiotic relationship.  So in essence the Republicans are hand-cuffed in every fight.

And the sad truth is that the problem stems from the merging of Christian views with Conservatism.  This will make me unpopular but it needs to be said.  A lot of Republicans believe that the beliefs they were taught as Christians and the political beliefs they were taught are intertwined.  And they’re not.   In some ways, Christian policies work against Conservatism.   Gay Marriage is considered a big issue.  Why?  What does that matter to the health of the nation?  People fight over it. It’s as if some believe that if Gay marriage is allowed cats and dogs will rain from the sky and Oprah Winfrey will rise up and eat Canada.  The aversion to and prejudice against homosexuality is a belief  pervaded by the Church.  And thats fine if thats what you believe, but when you push that belief onto your political views, you lose the argument.  They want to call it Civil Unions.  Well thats just semantics.  We’re not talking about marriages in churches.  That is off the table.  A government cannot interfere in the regular policies of any church so long as those policies do not constitute abuse.  So forget it.  But renaming it is irrelevant.  It doesn’t help or change the situation.

 Conservatives believe in the Bill of Rights.  The Bill of Rights says that all men are created equal, not all men are created equal except homo’s and cross-dressers.  Whether you believe it or not isn’t the issue.  What matters more to you, holding onto your God-given rights or denying someone else theirs?   And there are loads of issues like this that conflict.

Ms McCain makes a point about the pushing of abstinence on kids.  She’s absolutely right.  The Church says that there will be no sex before marriage.  Well guess what? It isn’t going to happen.  IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED.  People were having pre-marital sex during Jesus’ time and certainly after.  It is a genetic imperative that God must have put there, if you believe that God created us.  And it’s fine for the Church to push that agenda, but for a political party it is irresponsible.  Kids are having sex.  They’re getting pregnant.  They’re spreading disease.  They’re having abortions.  They are not being properly  educated on sex and their bodies and they are not being safe.  Saying that they need to just suck it up and abstain is dangerous naive.  And it’s probably hypocritical.  I’d bet money that most of the people pushing these ideas have themselves had Pre-marital sex.

And saying these things doesn’t make me a moderate Conservative, because it has nothing to do with Conservatism.  It is a social issue that is not addressed by the Constitution or the foundation of the United States, and it a social problem that needs to be addressed, particularly by the Republican Party.

And none of this is to say that I am politically similar to Meghan McCain.   I’m not.   I think that many of her stances are hurtful to the cause of Conservatism.  It’s not necessarily hurtful to the Republican Party, though.  The party can go in that direction. It can pander to the Left Wing and merge with moderation.  The GOP can become successful by improving its image.  Because thats what politics is really about: marketing.  Barack Obama is the American Idol president. He won a popularity contest.  His ideas weren’t better.  His ideas are ridiculous, and spouted from a less-photogenic candidate, he would have been booed off the stage.  But it’s about to image, not substance.  And the GOP is not an attractive alternative to people who don’t understand many of the issues being discussed.   

The Republican Party can ABSOLUTELY become more successful by shifting to a more moderate, politically correct stance.  But in the process, they would lose the fight.  And it wouldn’t be long before Conservatism would no longer have a place in the party.  And without that component, it is no longer a viable entity; it is no longer relvant.  It’s a wishy-washy group of people more concerned with being liked than upholding the Constitution.

The GOP does need a change.  It needs to examine what it wants to accomplish.  Do they want to be popular?  Do they want to attract people from the Left?  Or is it about being the echo of our Country’s waining glory?  Is it about reminding the world of what made us the Greatest Nation on Earth once?   And when they figure out what they want, they need to start ousting the chaff from the wheat.  I’m not saying we should be exclusionary.  I’m saying we should hold our ground.  Educate the people.  Remind them that being a Republican means.  And if they disagree with that, why would they want to be there?

And if you get there, when you get there… we’ll have a more balanced choice in future elections.  And we’ll have a better Republic.

People in Glass Dollhouse’s

dollhouse

All across the internet, groups of Whedonites are doing their damndest to save the latest offspring of Writer/ Director/ Producer Joss Whedon, Dollhouse.   Despite a rough start, Whedon’s fans aren’t ready to let go.

The question in the air is “how do we save Dollhouse?”  But I’m sure I’m not alone in that I can’t help but think the real question is “Is Dollhouse worth saving?”

whedon-dushku

Dollhouse is the result of a now semi-famous lunch between star/ producer Eliza Dushku and Whedon.  It’s about a young woman, code-named Echo, who lives a life of servitude to an evil corporation.  She is prostituted out to clients of specific means.  He mind is wiped and digitally supplanted by a false personality, one which serves the needs of the client.  The new personality can be anything from a pop star’s backup singer to a bank robber to an actual prostitute. The show is essentially a vehicle for Dushku so that she can explore her range as an actress.

eliza-dushku-dollhouse-terminator-promo-joss-whedon

We were all frothing at the mouths when the announcement of Whedon’s intentions were made.  His many fans… some called Whedonites, others taking the name Browncoats… have felt an absence since 2005 when his film Serenity aired.  The long wait of production inched across our spines like a snake.  Our patience was tested to its limits.   

And then came the rumors.   Joss’ last show, Firefly ended abruptly despite a rabid fan base, do entirely to the  incompetance and lack of faith provided by the network that greenlit the show, Fox.  After an extended absence, Fox Studios decided to give Joss the money to turn Firefly into a full-fledged feature film, Serenity.  The decision was not borne of generosity; it came on the heels of the massive DVD sales for the show, which in turn spread the fans of the show even further.  Still, the wound is fresh.  Firefly could have gone down as one of the greatest Scifi shows of all time (it still might).   So when it was revealed that Dollhouse would appear on Fox, Browncoats everywhere breathed a collective groan.

Network interference in Dollhouse ran amuck.  The original pilot was completely scrapped.  Constant re-writes.  New episodes written and shot in haste.  Some began to wonder if the show would air at all.

And then it did.   And the reaction was… “meh.”  The show wasn’t bad.  Underwhelming perhaps, but not bad.  The trouble is, it wasn’t Joss. And immediately blame fell to the studio.  

But as I sit and watch the penultimate episode of the season, I begin to suspect that there is more to it.   For starters, while the show has a cool premise, it lacks focus.  Echo cannot be counted as a central character, since she is a different person in every episode.  The male lead, Agent Paul Ballard is somewhat enticing, but every time I see him I think of Helo.  (Note: Ballard is played by Tahmoh Penikett, who just ended his performance as Helo in the acclaimed Battlestar Galactica mere weeks ago.)    And even the appearances of Whedonverse alums Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker have not raised excitement.  The show has gotten much better as its gone along, but it’s still missing something, that X-Factor.

Echo_Dollhouse

And I think I know what it might be.   I mentioned earlier that Dollhouse is designed as a vehicle for Eliza Dushku.  Whedon is a writer, first and foremost.  And a writer’s first duty is to tell a good story.  The casting is at best an after-thought.    In Dollhouse, the show was created to suit the actress.   It is in many ways, her costume.   And it is reflected at every corner.  All of the actors in the show are technically good, but their performances feel hollow.   It is as if Dollhouse is a mirror image of Echo herself, a blank slate being artifically filled.

The show is also thematically estranged from Joss’ previous productions.He’s known for creating strong, independent female characters.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel and Firefly all featured women that were stronger than their male counterparts. Prostitutes were seen as ‘Companions’; strong, respected and independant women, not to mention treated as Ambassadors to some degree.   Characters Willow and Cordelia begat from humble roots and became all-powerful demon— thingies.   Dollhouse, however is frought with helpless women.  Sure, Echo and fellow Doll, Sierra are known to kick butt from time to time.  But far more common are the scenes where they are being rescued and protected by their handlers such as Boyd Langton (played superbly by Harry Lennix) or Agent Ballard.   And worse, many of the relationships in that regard are intensely creepy or perverse.  Langton sees himself as a father-figure to Echo, but he is just as culpable as her captors.  By contrast, Ballard wishes to rescue Echo, whose real name is Caroline. But his brutal methods pushed by an obsession with the Dollhouse and Caroline have only served to push her away and towards Langton.  So who is the villain in this scenario?  And the worst offender is Topher, the man who programs the Dolls.  He is their doctor and care-taker and is sort of a funny, quirky little man… but I can’t help but feel an intense rapist vibe from him.  It’s all quite mad.

As I put the finishing touches to this piece, Briar Rose, the second to last episode of the season is drawing to a close.  Harry Lennix and Tahmoh Penikett have had a fight scene nearly as beautiful as it is brutal.  Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker are bringing a kind of magic to the screen that I wasn’t sure the show was capable of.    And the twist at the end… brilliant.

But will it sustain me?  Can the show sustain itself as is?  And on a studio that has shown a lack of confidence at every turn. That smell you’re sensing? Is the scent of  eminent success, or is it the chill of an approaching icebeg as the show sinks like the Titanic?   

Part of me wonders if the fight for the show is about how good Dollhouse is/ could be, or if this is some sort of subconscious retribution for Firefly’s untimely death.

As a Browncoat, I am not sure I’m ready to give up, but I do think that it will take a mircale to keep the show going.  And in the end, I might rather see what Joss would come up with given a fresh start at a different studio or network.  

At any rate, I will be purchasing Dollhouse when it comes to DVD this summer.

Conspiracy Theorists

One of big propaganda, besides ‘racist’, that liberals use to brand and discredit conservatives is ‘paranoid’.  They love to suggest that we’re whack job consiracy theorists, sitting on our porches with shotguns and Dobermans.   And really, only the second half is true.

I’m not saying there’s no such thing as a paranoid conservative, because at it’s core, paranoia is the healthy realization that there is danger.  I don’t respect anyone who isn’t at least a little paranoid, because if they don’t understand the need to be cautious, then they are clearly naive.  

And I’ll even go so far as to say that we Conservatives are paranoid in this day and age, but there’s nothing theoretical about it.

You cannot call Conservatives conspiracy theorists.  It isn’t even arguable.  Because in order for us to be these things, we would have to be wrong.  When we tell you that Barack Obama is a Socialist, you cannot make an argument otherwise.  He is openly stating that he is redistributing wealth.  That’s what Socialism is!   We’ve said that he hates America.  Did he or did he not go to foreign nations and bad mouth Americans?  He did!   He is expanding government.  His administration is dismantling the Bill of Rights and trying to eliminate freedoms.  You can’t argue.  The Democrats have been trying to re-institute the so-called “Fairness Doctrine” which would make it illegal for Conservative talk show hosts to question the US Government and the President.  That’s Freedom of Speech!  When we tell you he is weakening our nation and our economy, he’s done it!

He has told our enemies that he plans to disarm our nuclear weapons.  (Which, by the way, only a complete moron would actually even consider.)  He increased the national debt beyond a sustainable level.  

These are things that the Left Wings and their poster boy have done.  You cannot argue.  

And Barack Obama isn’t lying about any of it. He’s been telling you his plans since day one, well before he was elected.  And it’s astounding to me that people still support him.  I’ve heard things like “You’re just afraid to give him a chance!  He’s new!”   But we’re not talking about Bill Clinton.  This man has an agenda and isn’t wasting any time pushing it through.  And the kind of damage these actions will inflict if left unabated, will be catastrophic. It’s not theory. Historically, the plans he is implementing have not ended well.  Over-taxing corporations and the upper class does not help the poor.  The fallout will tear the poor apart.

And none of it is up for dispute. He’s said it.  They’re doing it.  So I can only assume that you’re not listening to your President, or you don’t understand what he’s saying.

The bottom line is, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck… it’s probably Barack Obama taking away your Freedom.

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

wolverine101-1

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.   

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.  

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream. 

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

xmen_origins_wolverine_movie_poster_international “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

wolverine-x-men-jackman

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.  

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie.

Tits for Tots

It seems these days it’s always a slow news day, because the media can’t seem to come up with actual news which is relevant to the lives of their viewers.  No, instead they prefer to inundate us with stories about a couple of rich morons from The Hills getting married.   

This week, there’s even more noise being made about Miss USA runner-up and current Ms. California, Carrie Prejean.  For those of you who have lives, you may have missed the “controversy” that occurred during the Q & A portion of the pageant.  One of the judges, Perez Hilton, noted internet critic, Britney Spears fan and homosexual asked Ms. Prejean for her thoughts on the right for gay people to get married.  After a brief pause, Prejean decided to give an honest answer instead of a bullshit one.  She said that while she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, she believed that marriage is between a man and a woman.  Her answer pretty much cost her the crown as she lost Perez Hilton’s vote.  Later, Hilton used his popular website as a forum to bash Prejean, calling her a litany of unnecessary names and claiming that had she won, he would have ripped the crown off of her head.

Personally, I think I would have been more inclined to watch the program, had this cat fight gone down.  My money is one the beauty queen.  Those bitches will cut you! 

The odd thing is that while I am well known (maybe “well known” is a little strong) for my many conservative views, in some ways I am socially liberal/ progressive.   I happen to support the idea of gay marriage.  As a registered republican, I feel that one of the biggest problems with the party is this need to legislate morality based on religious upbringing.  

The term ‘liberal’ refers to the liberal interpretation and application of the Constitution. By contrast, conservatives believe in the preservation of the Constitution as written.  So if, as the Bill of Rights says, all men are created equal, then why doesn’t that apply to gay people?   We’re not talking about getting married in a church.  We’re talking about the legal recognition of two lesbians on a beach wearing bed sheets and clit rings as wife and wifer.  When you exclude one group based on your own beliefs, you lose the argument.

That said, I have to applaud Prejean.  In this case, Perez Hilton is a little bitch who just needs to shut his mouth and move on.   The girl was asked a question.  She answered it.  Hilton got pissed because he didn’t get the uppity ‘We are the world’ answer he was looking for.   I have a rule.  Never ask questions you don’t want answers to.  In other words, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it.   In this case, Perez Hilton is the bad guy.  The bottom line is that this is a beauty pageant.   This girl isn’t protesting the right for gays to live.  She’s just trying to win a crown, get some money and maybe get a deal to show her tits on Playboy.   Calling her a “stupid bitch” doesn’t win your argument.    It makes you the problem, not the solution.  Ignorant words do not convince people.

And apparently the media can’t just leave it at that.  Heaven forbid.  Now the lefties are trying to stir up more trouble with Prejean.  Keith Olbemann of MSNBC (the guy that had that cunt Garofolo on) says Prejean used ‘performance enhancers.’  WOW.  Drugs?   Cherry flavored lip balm?  Ben-wa balls?  Nope.  He’s talking about her tits. 

Yes, really.  

Carrie Prejean got breast implants.  And that is apparently upsetting people.  I have no idea why.   It isn’t against the rules.  Many pageant contestants have them.  But apparently, fake titties are the steroids of the superficial Girl World.

I have to say, it really frosts my nuts that these people are trying to find fault with her.  Who cares if she has implants?  SHE DIDN’T EVEN WIN.   It is very clear to me that these people have some sort of personal agenda.  I mean, why would you even try to make a story out of that?  They’re vultures.  They need to exploit this girl, ruin her life and feast on her tender virg… erm, young… flesh.

All because she doesn’t believe in same-sex marriage.

People think that I’m paranoid when I say they’re trying to take away our right to free speech.  But here it is. It happens everyday.    One person speaks her mind and resists the pressure to put on the hideous spectacle of political correctness, and she gets black balled.  Doesn’t she have a right to an opinion? She isn’t hurting anyone.  She just has opinions.   But I guess thats the lesson we want to teach our children.  Don’t take chances.  Don’t be a decent hard-working person.  It won’t matter because they’re going to take it all from you.  Better to be quiet and still. Lie down and let them take what they want from you. Maybe they’ll let you live.

I salute you Carrie Prejean.  I salute you for your courage under fire and the grace you have shown since.  But mostly I salute you for your awesome rack.  Those are spectacular tits Madam.  I would vote for you.