Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Megan Fox is Kind of a Whore

courtesy of... somebody

courtesy of... somebody

Like most of America with an erect penis, I was dazzled by Megan Fox’s …wits when she debuted on the live action Transformers movie.  In retrospect, seeing her young, tender flesh splayed over a Camaro is about the only thing that made that piece of shit watchable.  But goddamn it, I own the DVD and thanks god for slow-mo remote settings.

And yeah, I saw Revenge of the Fallen.  I’m pretty sure I saw her uterus in the first scene.

But the more I see of her, the more I’m certain of one thing.  This is a woman who will end up in porn.

And she won’t be one of the classy ones like Jenna Jameson or Stormy Daniels… she’ll end up in movies like Dude Where’s My Penis? and Granny and the Trannie.   She’ll be in Dustin “screech” Diamond’s next porn film.

Sure, it’s a little mean to judge the tramp, but come on.. she was fucking David Silver when she 16!   I mean if you had to fuck one of the washed up actors from Beverly Hills 90210, why would you go for the gay rapper with the ear ring who was stuck waiting  years for Aaron Spelling’s daughter to give him a hand job?  Sorry, sweetheart, but it’s inevitable.  You should have fucked Brandon.   I mean, shit, the guy’s initals are  B-A- G.  And I’m pretty sure the moment Kelly Kapowski let his “little Silver” inside her is the exact moment America stopped giving a shit.   (Come back to us Kelly Kapowski… we forgive you for sucking his penis.)

Not only that, but she’s a mouthy little bitch.  These days, it seems like you can’t take a leak without running into her open mouth…  (nah, too easy).   Tonight I ran across some pictures of her on the Superficial.com, my new favorite celebrity gossip site. It delves deep into the heart of a story, and exposes it’s glorious, well-oiled, bulbous tits.

AHEM.  Sorry.

This is Megan at  Nickolodeon’s Teen Choice Awards.

courtesy of Universal and theSuperficial.com

courtesy of Universal and theSuperficial.com

This appears to be her openly fingering herself while her tits hang out like a couple of college kids trying to score some weed.

courtesy Universal and thesuperficial.com

courtesy Universal and thesuperficial.com

Here she appears to be actually peeing on herself.

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Universal and Superficial

Now she looks just batshit insane.  And her facial expression is reminiscent of that time Grandma hit the Schnapps and tried to fuck cousin Sal.

Holy Shit.

Holy Shit.

And here she is about to eat your fucking children.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?  If Madonna and Angelina Jolie are internationally respected artists, Megan Fox is going to get a goddamn Nobel Peace Prize for talking to whales or some shit.

For more fucked up shit, check out www.URNasshole.com coming soon to an interwebz near you!

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The Dirty Thirty

There are certain milestones in everyone’s life.   We attach a special significance to certain birthdays.

The 1st birthday is more about the parents than the kids.  Generally they’re still happy to discover they have feet at that point.   Your 13th birthday is  proof that you’re growing up. You’re a teen now.  Woo. Hoo.   Sweet 16 is about freedom. You can drive now.  You can leave the nest, making it much easier to have sloppy, drunken teen sex.   18 is graduation and 21 is the official age of adulthood and drinking… even though you’ve probably been at it for about 8 years at that point.

But all of that pales in comparison to the dreaded, dirty 30.

The Dirty Thirty takes you from the wonderous state of adulthood of 21 having one foot in the grave.  Suddenly you’re 3-0.  You’re old!  You’re dying! And whereas in previous years people celebrated your birth, when it comes to 30 they spend an entire year laughing at you and asking stupid questions like

Sooooo…   THIRTY, huh?  That’s rough.  How you feel about that?

Really?  How do I feel about it?   I’ll tell you how I feel.   I don’t give a shit.   Yeah, in a month I’ll be 3 decades old.    But I’ll only be one day closer to death than I was the day before.

Besides, for all that age robs of you in time, the one thing it provides is burdgeoning fearlessness.   Youth is for the birds, you see.  But I am the finest of wines; I only get better with age.

Mine will be the dirtiest of thirties.  I plan to engage in a level of debauchery that can only be defined as a travesty.  30 shall be my year of recknoning and wreckage.    Villages, prepare to be raped!  Women, get ready to be plundered!  Boats will sink!   Cities will raze to the ground!  Children will shit their pants!

It should be quite a decade.

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

wolverine101-1

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.   

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.  

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream. 

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

xmen_origins_wolverine_movie_poster_international “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

wolverine-x-men-jackman

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.  

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie.

They Call Him GEEEEEE MMMMMONEYY!!!

When I was fifteen my Ma decided it was time for me to get a job.

Personally, I was against it.  I was perfectly content just sitting on my ass and watching television.  Mama disagreed.  A friend of hers had a sister in law who managed a restaurant.  Turns out they needed a busboy.  Kelsey’s Restaurant was host to a veritible cavalcade of characters, each with their own brilliance and hilarious backstory.

Perhaps my favorite was Dave the Porn Star.

They called him G Money because of their love of irony and hate of rap music. Dave was in his late forties/ early fifties.  An aging Jewish man who’d seen the road and lived the life of a drifter;  he waited tables in this place and that to save away for the house he was building in Hawaii.   At some point in his life, Dave was offered the opportunity to thrust his penis into a vagina on camera.  He took it.

Clearly this was the sort of porn that you find in bargain bins and dumpsters.   Modern porn stars look like gay male models.  G looked like he jerked off in mens rooms.  

I’ve never seen this legendary pornographic film, but every time I visit my local adult bookstore, I keep an eye out for G Money’s penis.

G never lost his love for showbusiness.  He took every opportunity to pull out his cock like there was a fire and only his genitals could extinguish it.   (I’m kidding.  Mostly.)   Many was the Saturday night when we would close up the restaurant, the beer flowing like wind on a mountain top,  when some poor drunken fool would yell out “G MONEY!!!”  Dave would smile shyly.  “Come on, guys, no. Not tonight.”  But he could not halt their cheers and chants.  They would beg Dave for a show. 

I was only 16 the first time Dave put on a show.  I didn’t know what I was in for.  What in God’s name was he about to do? He walked into the back room, where the darkness consumed him.  We all stood in a line around the bar, waiting for the Dave train to come on through.  Three men down from the door, I stood impatiently.   He called out from the blackness.  “Turn it up!”  I don’t remember what song they played on the radio.  I don’t remember who was around me or what they said before.  I don’t really even remember what color the waitresses’ thongs were.  But I remember the first time I saw a half naked male porn star.

He strutted out with his poofy chest hair and un-pedicured, smelly feet.  His tighty whitey Fruit of the Loom undies were stretched out and loose hanging.  Our laughter was instantaneous and grew exponentially as he walked past us.  One by one we fell like dominoes as he sauntered past us, falling into pure hysterics.  We were nearly dying as he jumped on top of the bar.  G’s pelvis thrusted back and forth lasciviously.  He shook his money maker like it was his last day on Earth.  Indeed, G hadn’t lost any of that old Jew penis magic.

Still, after a few minutes, he could tell something was wrong.

Sure, it was funny.  It always had been.  But it was never quite that funny.   So what were we all laughing at?  And suddenly, “lil G” stopped pumping.  The money maker stopped with the rump shaking.  And he asked us why we were crying.   Begrudgingly, we pointed to the mirror behind him.   His head turned and dropped down.  His eyes shuttered and his head shook as he noticed the giant brown skid mark dividing his butt like the Grand Canyon of poots.

Sure, he laughed despite himself.  But I think a little piece of Dave the Porn Star died that day.

 

 

Nah. I’m bullshitting.  He just got fucked up and kept dancing.

No Eye In Team

My bro, Chris and I were discussing the people from our past whose asses we’d like to kick.

For him, most of those people were from his childhood.  Personally, I barely remember most of the people I grew up with.  All of the people from my list were high school acquaintances.   I was always a weird kid, but for the first 2/3’s of my education, no one seemed to bother me about it for the most part.  But in high school, people are expected to define themselves and pick sides.  Everyone is expected to be part of some sort of category or grouping and if you don’t fall into any of them, they automatically lump you into the freaks.

What’s most interesting about my list is that it actually includes a couple of teachers.  Sort of.  I’m not sure they really deserve the label.  They were football coaches who taught classes.  One of them ended up the school disciplinarian, which I personally find horrifying.  Coach Hines even managed to be a dick to my little brother who attended the same high school as me a few years after I graduated. I don’t know what happened to Lambert, but I hope it involved a prison and a guy named Bubba commenting on how pretty his mouth is.

Seem a little harsh?  Let’s get into the way-back machine.  When I was 15, my allergies were out of control.  My sinuses were constantly stuffed up.  My penchant for carrying around wads of kleenex in my pockets earned me the nickname Booger.

Yes. Like the guy from Revenge of the Nerds.  Although I doubt my tormentors ever picked up on the coincidence.

People loved to push the nickname at me.   Fuck love, High School is a battlefield.  But in the end, they were bunch of stupid fucking kids (they’re still going on the goddamn list, but anyway…).   Lambert was a grown man in his 20s.  And for some reason he enjoyed being a dick to me as well.  Though in his case, he called me Snot.  Nice. He loved calling me out in class in order to make fun of me.

Back then I just wanted to kneecap him.  Now as an adult I realize that his behavior was criminal, and I should have reported him.  Although I still want to kneecap him. 

The reality is that not every teacher liked me’ its not realistic to expect teachers to like all of their students.  But none of the others went out of their way to be a dick to me.  I realize now that the probability is that the reason they didn’t like me is because they’re football people.   I don’t want to make a generalization here, because it isn’t exactly a rule, but I have noticed that a large portion of guys who grow up playing football obsessively end up serious cockstains.  They’re never particularly open-minded, and always seem to think that anyone who doens’t like football is a freak of nature.

And yet for some reason, people lend football players respect.  Even in myown school, where our team is legendarily shitty.   I’ve never really understood it.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t like football, but really its just another activity.  Nothing special about it.  And yet so much of America has this blind devotion to it.

Recently I had a conversation with a female attorney in which she recounted a tale about her son.  At a job interview, the man doing the interviewing asked if he’d played any team sports in high school, like football.  He said yes.  When the interview was over, he asked what was with the sports question, and the interviewer told him that playing sports teaches you how to play as part of a team. 

That’s fucking retarded. 

Though the Attorney and many other people I’ve met would disagree, I have to say that playing sports and football doesn’t necessarily teach you jack shit about anything other than sports.  First of all, its the coach who teaches you about how to be part of a team, and thats assuming that he’s a good coach, or moreover, a good teacher.  Secondly, even if you do learn to be a team player from it, that doesn’t necessarily translate to the real world.  How do you know that this person is going to consider your business a team?  He might look at his friends that way, but what about the people he doesn’t like?  They’re more likely to be considered opponents.  Which isn’t to say he’s going to tackle or headbutt anyone…  but I’m not ruling out.

A team is a group of people dedicated to a singular goal, but not necessarily sacrificing their individuality. The fact is that sports like football teach uniformity and pack mentality.  And sure it teaches hand-eye coordination, but so do video games, and I don’t see anybody blowing a guy just because he beat Super Mario Brothers in 15 minutes.

But I’m not trying to vilify football players.  It just seems like there’s something there that we as a sport obsessed nation ought to consider.

If I ever have kids, I’d rather they didn’t play sports.  I’d prefer them to be artists.  Art teaches you to express yourself and fosters imagination and intelligence.  They’ll learn to think as individuals.  The rest I can teach them.  Being part of a team is about understanding that the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few. (Thank you Leonard Nimoy.)  So it really comes down to teaching sociological philosophy, not throwing a ball.

But if in the end, they choose to play football, I’ll be okay with it.  Because it’ll be an individual choice, not dictated by what other people expect of them.

Desperately Seeking Something

It’s a lonely world out there.  Everybody needs somebody sometime.  That’s what the American Express jingle claims anyway.  So being single, I decided to try my hand at the Craigslist personals.  Here’s some of my more interesting findings.

SWF looking for SWPM to give me a grand-slam wedgie-fo-real, just like my older brother used to do before he was killed in Iraq. I’ve got tons of brand new cotton undies, and I want you to use them to sling me across the room into my dresser and hang me from the doorknob. Tear off the elastic and gag me with it. If you do it right I’ll be your mommy, your sister and your cock whisperer.  Please be financially stable, without a drug or drinking problem. Also be between the ages of 26-30. No shorties, no smokers and no car salesmen.  I’m super pumped! 

Here’s the thing, if you’re looking for someone to give you erotic wedgies like your dead older brother used to give you, asking that this person not be an alcoholic is just asking too much.  Furthermore, after ripping the elastic of your panties in the atomic wedgie to end all atomic wedgies, I would prefer you not pretend to be my mother or any of my relatives.  And I have no idea what a cock whisperer is, but it sounds like someone who has conversations with chickens.  On the other hand, the car salesman ban shows that she has a good head on her shoulders.  So, maybe.

I can bring out the best in you. I will train you how to kiss, touch, talk and treat a woman. I will build up your self confidence and tell you what needs improvement.  About me: I am attractive, young,smart, trustworth and discreet.  Email me for more information.

Can you train me how to put up with high maintenance women clearly suffering from Jan Brady Syndrome?  I think the only thing I would learn from dating this chick is that I’m actually okay with hitting women under the right circumstances.

where’s that guy with the glass slipper? 🙂 – 35

Ok, he’s late…way! late! 
so I thought I’d give him some help! 
I don’t care how old you are & neither should you. 
If you are an “old soul” but chronologically challenged (“legal”, though) – 
I still will want to know you… 
If you are “young at heart” but long in the tooth…
okay, if I don’t have to ride to dinner on your electric wheelchair… 
If hygeine is a new word for you…ummm, bye… 
I want you to be literate…if that is a new word for you…
best wishes… 
If you smoke…I like breathing… 
If you’re married…
be good to her! 
(and get off this site!!!!) 
I want to laugh til our sides hurt at funny movies, wear costumes, sail, dance, sing! 
Life is Good, let’s be Good In It Together! 
Seriously, what’s with the poetic form?  She’s looking for an alcoholic who likes Steel Magnolias, not the goddamn Cat in the Hat. I suspect this lady watches Oprah religiously and owns a lot of cats, each of which adorns it’s own handmade t-shirt which she wears daily.   I’m thinking Harry Potter bed sheets and the Sex and the City complete box set.  One  day she’ll kill herself like Sylvia Plath and the land lord will discover her body a month later, half eaten by the cats.
I got flagged last time and I don’t know why?! Anyways, Is wanting a good man to much to ask for? I didn’t think so. I’m a bbw seeking a man to maybe start a relationship with. I’m not the typical girl that needs to know every little detail about your day and won’t rest until I know everything. I just want someone around to spend time with and have fun with and still have my independance. I’m easy going and like to laugh so I would hope that you have a good sence of humor as well.  Tattooed and pierced guys are always a plus but I am open for anything. So if this sounds good then email me and we can set something up! Send a pic and I will send one back to you. Can’t wait to hear from you! 
Most of this is pretty straight forward.  She’s a big black woman looking for a guy who cheats on her and doesn’t want to get caught.  Right on.  Two red flags though. One, she got banned and feels the need to tell you right off the bat. So what did she get banned for?   Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that her only caveat is that the man be tattooed and pierced.   Frak that, I saw Flava of Love.  This can only end with someone getting their gold tooth knocked out.

I am a Butterfly looking to taste the nectar of life – 26 (LA New Orleans)

Old fashioned romantic? Intelligent and sweet? Secure both emotionally and financially? 27-38 years old?  Looking for something real and eventually serious? I would love to hear from you.  Your pic gets mine. Talk to you soon. 🙂 
I’ve seen this entry a bunch of time, each with a different heading.  That makes me think it’s either a bot or someone with short term memory loss.  Also… the nectar of life?  seriously?

Now Accepting Applications for a Weekend Boyfriend… – 25 (New Orleans, LA)

Hey, I’m a hot asian broad. I want a hot weekend boyfriend. Basically, I want a guy to hangout with on the weekends… and by the weekend, I just mean Saturdays. I don’t want any contact during the week to avoid all the drama and stupidity that comes with a relationship.
I love how she is so strictly business about this.  I’m a chick, I want your dick, time is money, taste my honey.  …  I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, it just worked out that way…. I’ve still got time.  (Sorry)   Also, I have never heard a woman call herself a broad before.   Anyway, either she has six other guys “hanging out” one day a week, or her husband works on Saturday.  
But on the other hand, she is a hot Asian, so I may have to investigate further.

Sick of theThe Run Around…………With fake chicks? – 33 (Nola)

Hummmm………..I think we have all experienced this at some point in our life some more than others!!!!Sorry to say you won’t have that experience here and you won’t be redirected to a some link with fake girls!!!!!  About me single female searching for a laid back cute male!!Race is not important!!just be mentally stable….and nice!   

 
   
Clearly this girl was absent the day they taught the meanings and uses of punctuation.  

Despite her subtley I have determined that she really hates fake chicks and seems to believe that every woman who is not her is a whore.  They’re all fake chicks, with fake tits, and fake names, living on an island called Fake-topia where they fake men’s brains out.  (Mental note: google map Fake-topia.)

But what really what bothers me here is the picture.  Why is she showing us a bush in a driveway?  Maybe it’s the entrance to Fake-topia.

Honesty is always the best policy…right? – 29 (Uptown)

 

So, I’ve posted here before…if I sound familiar, it’s possible that I am. 🙂 Craigslist has helped me meet some interesting people, but no one that stuck, you know what I mean? And that’s what I’m looking for, someone who sticks.  Here are some fun facts about me and what I’m looking for:  1. I want to be with someone long term. I don’t expect to be your girlfriend right away, and just because I say I’m interested in you doesn’t mean I want to marry you in the next year or bear your children sooner. I’m as nervous to get into a commited relationship as you! It’s scary, I get it. But I’m willing to see if it works, you know?  2. I’m doing pretty well on my own. I have a new car, a house, a good job. I’m not helpless, although, believe you me, it’s super nice to have someone around to help with things like what color should I paint this room, or oh no, the cat’s sick, can you take her to the vet for me?  3. As far as looks go, I’ve dated all kinds. Fat, skinny, white, black, ugly, cute. What’s most important to me is that you accept me for who I am, and that we have stuff in common. Like, I like to go out, but I generally prefer to stay in or do low-key things. If you would put “likes to party” on you list of likes, we’re probably not soulmates. I like reading, especially home improvement mags, going for walks to check out the beauty of this city, and driving around just for the heck of it.  4. As far as my looks go, I’m cute. I have a nice smile…I smile with my eyes. 🙂 I could stand to lose some weight. I’ve always been curvy/slightly chubby. After the storm, I’m a little more so. Still cute though.  5. Okay, this is something I haven’t put in an ad before, but I’m going to here cause I hate the “talk” that has to occur if I don’t. I have herpes and hpv. Apparently, the hpv will most likely go away at some point. Herpes doesn’t. Currently, I don’t take medicine for it, and if I did, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t get it. It’s sucky, but not the end of the world. Not that this should matter, but I know how people think…I got it from the first man I was ever with. He, unfortunately for me, didn’t believe in the title of my ad.  So, that’s just a little part of me. I’ve got stuff to do on a Sunday, so I won’t get into more detail quite yet. I have pics that I’d love to share with you, but you know, don’t need them up here for the world to see quite yet. 
What have we learned today children?  That’s right honestly is clearly not the best policy in some cases.  Jesus, I just finished reading her want ad and I’m already sick of her mouth.   Also?  While it’s admirable that she wants guys to know before things get serious, having multiple STDs is something you should really break to a guy subtley.  But that’s okay.

Frankly, she lost me at “I smile with my eyes.”  WHAT????!  What kind of a mutant freak are you??  Every  time I went in for a kiss I’d be scared to death your mutant eyes would fucking eat me!
That’s all for this week’s edition of Fun with Craigslist.

Books by Their Cover 10-8

 

Final Crisis

Final Crisis

Darkseid invites Batman to a party at his house.  Unfortunately when Batman gets hammered, Darkseid’s dickish friends decide to write ‘Brucie is a Douche!’ on his forehead while filming it.

I’m gonna give this one a thumbs down.  Reminds me of too many bad college memories.

 

Final Crisis Revelations

Final Crisis Revelations

Batwoman visits her OBGYN when she begins to experience a strange burning sensation in her crotch.  “Doctor, my vagina smells like egg salad.”

Well, I’ll never eat egg-salad again, but I love the lead up with the Girls Gone Wild where Batwoman shows us her Bat boobies.

 

 

Cartoon Network Presents

Cartoon Network Presents

Uhhh… I got nothing.

 

 

DC Goes Ape

DC Goes Ape

If you’ve ever wondered what Wally West (aka THE FLASH!) thinks about when he’s on the toilet… you should probably stop that. It’s disturbing.

Apparently Wally daydreams about giant monkeys eating tiny monkey versions of his friends.  And more monkeys.  The entire issue was bananas.  (come on! you know you smiled.)

 

 

 

Outsiders TPB

Outsiders TPB

The Dc Universe explores what happens when George Bush gets a third term.

RUN AWWWAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Action Comics

Action Comics

 Clark Kent pursues his lifelong dream of joining the New Kids on the Block.  Meanwhile Lois tries to figure out how she ended up married to such a pussy.

Superman and New Kids on the Block.  It’s like the first time someone put their chocolate inside your peanut butter.  But even gayer.

 

 

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

 

 

Lil Shaniquanza points out that indeed Diana ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda.  And neither does lil’ Suzie.

Sadly my anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got buns, hun.  HATED IT!  (two snaps up)

 

 

Amazing Spider Girl 25

Amazing Spider Girl 25

Mayday Parker finds out exactly why her Dad didn’t want her going out with Flash “Boner” Thompson, Jr, while learning a valuable lesson about the value of using protection.

This was kind of a kiddie issue if you ask me.  Skip it.

 

 

Avengers Invader 5

Avengers Invader 5

The Marvel Universe discovers what happens when Lost and Family Guy come on at the same time!  The Avengers and the Invaders battle it out to see who gets control of the remote!!

I hate Family Guy, so I kinda dug that the Avengers won.  Besides, Kate is so hot!!

 

 

Marvel Zombies 3  #1

Marvel Zombies 3 #1

Jocasta discovers that Aaron Stack is indeed not carrying a nightstick in his pocket.  And he is very much happy to see her.

Well, no Fleshy Ones.  Plus, ROBOTS DOIN IT!  Totally worth it.

 

 

Moon Knight Christmas Special

Moon Knight Christmas Special

“Jingle bells, The Dark Knight smells, batman is totally gaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!”

 

See ya next week everybody!  Bye now!