Archive for the ‘pop culture’ Category

Megan Fox is Kind of a Whore

courtesy of... somebody

courtesy of... somebody

Like most of America with an erect penis, I was dazzled by Megan Fox’s …wits when she debuted on the live action Transformers movie.  In retrospect, seeing her young, tender flesh splayed over a Camaro is about the only thing that made that piece of shit watchable.  But goddamn it, I own the DVD and thanks god for slow-mo remote settings.

And yeah, I saw Revenge of the Fallen.  I’m pretty sure I saw her uterus in the first scene.

But the more I see of her, the more I’m certain of one thing.  This is a woman who will end up in porn.

And she won’t be one of the classy ones like Jenna Jameson or Stormy Daniels… she’ll end up in movies like Dude Where’s My Penis? and Granny and the Trannie.   She’ll be in Dustin “screech” Diamond’s next porn film.

Sure, it’s a little mean to judge the tramp, but come on.. she was fucking David Silver when she 16!   I mean if you had to fuck one of the washed up actors from Beverly Hills 90210, why would you go for the gay rapper with the ear ring who was stuck waiting  years for Aaron Spelling’s daughter to give him a hand job?  Sorry, sweetheart, but it’s inevitable.  You should have fucked Brandon.   I mean, shit, the guy’s initals are  B-A- G.  And I’m pretty sure the moment Kelly Kapowski let his “little Silver” inside her is the exact moment America stopped giving a shit.   (Come back to us Kelly Kapowski… we forgive you for sucking his penis.)

Not only that, but she’s a mouthy little bitch.  These days, it seems like you can’t take a leak without running into her open mouth…  (nah, too easy).   Tonight I ran across some pictures of her on the Superficial.com, my new favorite celebrity gossip site. It delves deep into the heart of a story, and exposes it’s glorious, well-oiled, bulbous tits.

AHEM.  Sorry.

This is Megan at  Nickolodeon’s Teen Choice Awards.

courtesy of Universal and theSuperficial.com

courtesy of Universal and theSuperficial.com

This appears to be her openly fingering herself while her tits hang out like a couple of college kids trying to score some weed.

courtesy Universal and thesuperficial.com

courtesy Universal and thesuperficial.com

Here she appears to be actually peeing on herself.

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Universal and Superficial

Now she looks just batshit insane.  And her facial expression is reminiscent of that time Grandma hit the Schnapps and tried to fuck cousin Sal.

Holy Shit.

Holy Shit.

And here she is about to eat your fucking children.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?  If Madonna and Angelina Jolie are internationally respected artists, Megan Fox is going to get a goddamn Nobel Peace Prize for talking to whales or some shit.

For more fucked up shit, check out www.URNasshole.com coming soon to an interwebz near you!

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It’s A Living

Becoming a professional writer has been a dream of mine for a long time.

Thanks to the wonder of the internet, that dream has come true.  The Examiner is a news website that hires locals to report on particular subjects of varying topics.  And you get to choose your topic.  One person might be a film examiner.  Another can be a Playstation 2 examiner.  I’m a little confused as to the specificity of some of the examiners.  Does the world really need semi-daily updates on hack ‘romance novels’ for vampire emo fetishists? Probably not.  But more power to you, whoever you are.  I’m sure you serve a purpose.

Currently I am the New Orleans Comic Book Examiner.  I’m still trying to find my voice on it.   We’re supposed to present our articles as Journalists would, rather than bloggers.  Which is fine, though I don’t really think it counts. To me, a blog is about your feelings and the things going on in your life.  When you’re speaking on a subject, even editorialized, it’s an article.   Then again, I’m no expert.  I have noticed some of the other writers don’t seem to adhere to this very well though.   And to some degree or another my ‘voice’ will have to come into play.  Particularly with reviews; 75% of it is opinion.

I’m looking forward to making this work.   I think it will be a lot of fun.

Harry Potter and the Strange Obsession

I’m not ashamed to admit that I, a grown man a hair’s breadth shy of 30 was giddy as a school boy as the film version of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince drew closer to opening.

I was initially prejudiced against the Harry Potter phenomenon.  Muggles and snargaluffs and Hogwarts?  What about that doesn’t sound like a bad Dr. Seuss project?   On the one hand I was delighted to know that kids were actually reading again; on the other, it just didn’t seem to suit my tastes.

Also there was the fact that the series bared a striking similarity to the Books of Magic series published by Vertigo in the 90s.  I would have rather preferred the Vertigo series.

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As it happened, my father rented the first two films directed by Chris Columbus.  I found them entertaining to some degree or another, but still not quite something to catch my interests.

Normally this might be the end of the story but not for some friends of mine who were going to see Prisoner of Azkaban and asked me along. Alphonso Cuaron’s darker, more majestic world seemed to seduce me.  This was not the fairytale world I expected.   Harry Potter was growing up, and the world was not so pretty.

Harry potter and the half blood prince ebook

Afterwards, I attempted to read the next chapter, Goblet of Fire, but still found the book somewhat slow and impenetrable. Even so, I was now a fan and saw the midnight showing of the film on the first night it was out. By the time I saw Order of the Phoenix, I was hooked.  The next week I bought a soft cover copy of The Half-Blood Prince and devoured it within 4 days.   Overcome with a thirst for more, I bought the hardcover Deathly Hallows which had only recently come out at the time.  Hallows took me 5 days.  Like every other fan, the ending left me satisfied, yet saddened that it was over.

Since then I have been waiting, patiently for the arrival of the fourth film. It opened this past Tuesday at midnight.  Because of work, I begrudgingly waited until the next night to see it.  I’d spent the last two weeks re-reading the book to refresh my memory and ended up reading Hallows again as well because I couldn’t help myself.

So did it live up to the wait?

harry-potter-and-the-half-blood-princeI’d have to say, NO… but with one caveat.   I believe that reading the book as a refresher was a mistake.   Adapting a 600 plus page book into a lean, tight script isn’t just difficult; it’s impossible.  Material has to be cut out.  As such, by its very nature, the films are their own animal and should be judged as such.  They’re good films, this one included.

There were two way in which the film shortened the material: by abridgement, in which the original material was simply edited, and by rewriting scenes.  Of the two, I much preferred the rewritten scenes.  The abridged scenes felt rushed and glossed over, like they were only left in by mandate as an afterthought.  This is especially true of the scene which introduces Professor Slughorn.  Dumbledore brings Harry to meet him in the hopes that Slughorn will agree to return to Hogwarts out of curiosity about the infamous Harry Potter.  Yet in the film, we see none of this.  Harry and Slughorn are scarcely in the room together for five minutes, and he doesn’t seem to care either way.  Nonetheless he agrees in a rather dramaticly uninspired change of heart.  Similarly, the abduction of the wandmaker Ollivander (which will become important in the next films- maybe) are quickly and quietly thrown by; blink and you missed the mention of it.

Here is where those like me who re-read the source material are hurt the most.  The rushed moments feel emphasized, and almost mechanical.  It as though things happen because they are pre-ordained rather than because they fall that way.

By contrast, the scenes where the writer rewrote or added material flow wonderfully.   What particularly impressed me was the handling of Harry and Ginny Weasley’s burgeoning romance.   My one complaint about the final two books is that for all of her discussion of Harry’s feelings, Rowling scarcely has Harry and Ginny together for more than a few days.  As a big fan of the coupling, I felt rather cheated by the lack of time with them.  When a writer introduces a romantic interest into a story, he/she is almost required to properly explore the relationship as it pertains to the plot.   Without it, the reader is left wanting.  In the film, we are given much more of them.  In particular, the kissing scene works very well.   In the book, the kiss –while wonderfully done–  seems at least partly a product of overactive hormones.   Here the kiss is much more expressive of the feelings between them.  It may have been the best moment in the film.

As mentioned, a large amount of material was edited out.  Missing of note are subplots involving Rufus Scrimegour, Mundungus Fletcher and Bill Weasley & Fleur De La Cour’s engagement, all of which play heavily in the last book.  I can only assume they will be eliminated from the next two films as well (The Deathly Hallows will be adapted into two movies).   But perhaps the oddest scene missing involves Harry and Snape.   (Spoilers!)  Following a duel where Harry has injured Draco Malfoy, he is found by Snape who saves Draco’s life.  In the book, Harry is duly punished.   In the film, however, nothing happens.  It seems curious that you could almost kill a fellow student– particularly one that you have a well-known grudge against– and get away scott free.   The lack of comment is a bit distracting to watch.

In the end, I think I enjoyed Half-Blood Prince, though not as much as Order of the Phoenix.   I was slightly disappointed with it, but that has as much to do with my own anticipation and expectations as with the execution.  I do think that the film would have worked better with an extra ten minutes; time enough for certain moments to breathe.  Of course, many would argue that it’s already long, and they would be right.  However, one must remember that this is the 6th in a line of dense genre films, and most of the audience are bound to be fans.  It is unlikely that they would begrudge a few extra minutes of screentime, even at the expense of their bladders.

I would advise anyone going to see it to ignore the books.  This is an adaptation, and a fair one at that.  It’s still a fun movie.  And even after 8 years of conflicting visions and voices, they’re still magical.

XXXSenatorXXX

 

Would you vote for this woman?

Would you vote for this woman?

 

 

In case you haven’t heard, Louisiana Senator David Vitter is up for re-election soon and so far his most vocal candidate is a pornographic film actress.

That’s not a joke, at least not on my part.  The creators of DraftStormy.com began a campaign without the actress’ notice.  She apparently decided to leave the site alone as a bit of a lark.  Now people are wondering how much of a joke it is.

I’ve masturbated to a lot of Stormy Daniels films. I’ve seen the freckles on her taint in hi-def. I successfully jacked it to that 1 minute scene she had in The 40 Year Old Virgin with her tits out.  Once I even motorboated her tits in a dingy Baton Rouge bar while various drunks sang the LSU fight song.   Don’t ask.  So I’m probably going to be more fair to her than anyone in the actual media; which is to say I am going to treat her seriously.

Stormy Daniels is not the airhead that those opposed to pornography would like you to believe.  She’s not some cracked out hooker either.  In the wake of Jenna Jameson and the spread of internet viability, porn stars have become not only entrepeneurs, but brand names.  And Stormy Daniels is currently the reigning queen of porn.

Daniels writes, directs, produces  and stars in her own films.  And the sarcastic reader might ask how hard it can be to moan in front of a handi-cam?  But anyone who has ever attempted to shoot anything on film regardless of how short it is can tell you… it’s  A LOT harder than you think.  Stormy Daniels may literally be the hardest working actress in show business.

And I’ve heard her speak on various subjects.  She’s at least as smart as the average person, if not smarter (she makes a lot more money than most of you).  And the fact that she’s run her own business makes her more qualified to be the President of the United States than the actual President is. And there is a VERY good chance that a lot of men would vote for her behind closed doors just so they could pretend to take an active interest in politics.

That said, I wouldn’t vote for her.  And it isn’t because I know both styles of hair cuts she sports on any given day.  No, I don’t think Stormy Daniels is any less qualified to enter Congress because of her pornographic exploits than Al Franken is because of his exploits as Stuart Smalley. 

The reason I wouldn’t vote for her is because I feel that if she were elected it would because of her beauty and notoriety.  We are a nation that has become obsessed with image and marketing.  It rules our lives.  Whether you like President Obama or not, you have to admit that people are dietizing the man.  They’re so obsessed with his cult of personality that they buy shirts of him dressed as Superman.  And the election of a Porn Star only stands to blur that line between whats right and what looks good even further.

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And no one is taking the idea of her running as seriously, but remember, two years ago, no one took Obama seriously either.  She’s smart.  She’s successful and she’s beautiful in a way that frankly isn’t trashy at all.  More than that, she’s more qualified to write legislation on sex education and STD’s than just about anyone you’ve ever met.

l49883899635_6550She’s involved in charities to protect children from the dangers of child pornography.  And unlike most Senators, she doesn’t have to worry about scandals distracting her from doing her job (I’m looking at you David Vitter) or motivation by greed (Ray Nagin, take a bow).

To be honest, I’ve almost convinced myself she should be elected.   But everytime you cross those lines, you make them disappear.  

At the very least, I would be interested to see how a race like that would play out.  And people would care more about politics.  Plus it would be cool to say I’ve touched the Senator’s titties.  And yes, they were just as soft and supple as you imagined they were.

 

 

Check out this video where the Daily Beast interviews her. And be honest, would you suspect her of being anything other than a nice, normal woman if you weren’t told anything?

People in Glass Dollhouse’s

dollhouse

All across the internet, groups of Whedonites are doing their damndest to save the latest offspring of Writer/ Director/ Producer Joss Whedon, Dollhouse.   Despite a rough start, Whedon’s fans aren’t ready to let go.

The question in the air is “how do we save Dollhouse?”  But I’m sure I’m not alone in that I can’t help but think the real question is “Is Dollhouse worth saving?”

whedon-dushku

Dollhouse is the result of a now semi-famous lunch between star/ producer Eliza Dushku and Whedon.  It’s about a young woman, code-named Echo, who lives a life of servitude to an evil corporation.  She is prostituted out to clients of specific means.  He mind is wiped and digitally supplanted by a false personality, one which serves the needs of the client.  The new personality can be anything from a pop star’s backup singer to a bank robber to an actual prostitute. The show is essentially a vehicle for Dushku so that she can explore her range as an actress.

eliza-dushku-dollhouse-terminator-promo-joss-whedon

We were all frothing at the mouths when the announcement of Whedon’s intentions were made.  His many fans… some called Whedonites, others taking the name Browncoats… have felt an absence since 2005 when his film Serenity aired.  The long wait of production inched across our spines like a snake.  Our patience was tested to its limits.   

And then came the rumors.   Joss’ last show, Firefly ended abruptly despite a rabid fan base, do entirely to the  incompetance and lack of faith provided by the network that greenlit the show, Fox.  After an extended absence, Fox Studios decided to give Joss the money to turn Firefly into a full-fledged feature film, Serenity.  The decision was not borne of generosity; it came on the heels of the massive DVD sales for the show, which in turn spread the fans of the show even further.  Still, the wound is fresh.  Firefly could have gone down as one of the greatest Scifi shows of all time (it still might).   So when it was revealed that Dollhouse would appear on Fox, Browncoats everywhere breathed a collective groan.

Network interference in Dollhouse ran amuck.  The original pilot was completely scrapped.  Constant re-writes.  New episodes written and shot in haste.  Some began to wonder if the show would air at all.

And then it did.   And the reaction was… “meh.”  The show wasn’t bad.  Underwhelming perhaps, but not bad.  The trouble is, it wasn’t Joss. And immediately blame fell to the studio.  

But as I sit and watch the penultimate episode of the season, I begin to suspect that there is more to it.   For starters, while the show has a cool premise, it lacks focus.  Echo cannot be counted as a central character, since she is a different person in every episode.  The male lead, Agent Paul Ballard is somewhat enticing, but every time I see him I think of Helo.  (Note: Ballard is played by Tahmoh Penikett, who just ended his performance as Helo in the acclaimed Battlestar Galactica mere weeks ago.)    And even the appearances of Whedonverse alums Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker have not raised excitement.  The show has gotten much better as its gone along, but it’s still missing something, that X-Factor.

Echo_Dollhouse

And I think I know what it might be.   I mentioned earlier that Dollhouse is designed as a vehicle for Eliza Dushku.  Whedon is a writer, first and foremost.  And a writer’s first duty is to tell a good story.  The casting is at best an after-thought.    In Dollhouse, the show was created to suit the actress.   It is in many ways, her costume.   And it is reflected at every corner.  All of the actors in the show are technically good, but their performances feel hollow.   It is as if Dollhouse is a mirror image of Echo herself, a blank slate being artifically filled.

The show is also thematically estranged from Joss’ previous productions.He’s known for creating strong, independent female characters.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel and Firefly all featured women that were stronger than their male counterparts. Prostitutes were seen as ‘Companions’; strong, respected and independant women, not to mention treated as Ambassadors to some degree.   Characters Willow and Cordelia begat from humble roots and became all-powerful demon— thingies.   Dollhouse, however is frought with helpless women.  Sure, Echo and fellow Doll, Sierra are known to kick butt from time to time.  But far more common are the scenes where they are being rescued and protected by their handlers such as Boyd Langton (played superbly by Harry Lennix) or Agent Ballard.   And worse, many of the relationships in that regard are intensely creepy or perverse.  Langton sees himself as a father-figure to Echo, but he is just as culpable as her captors.  By contrast, Ballard wishes to rescue Echo, whose real name is Caroline. But his brutal methods pushed by an obsession with the Dollhouse and Caroline have only served to push her away and towards Langton.  So who is the villain in this scenario?  And the worst offender is Topher, the man who programs the Dolls.  He is their doctor and care-taker and is sort of a funny, quirky little man… but I can’t help but feel an intense rapist vibe from him.  It’s all quite mad.

As I put the finishing touches to this piece, Briar Rose, the second to last episode of the season is drawing to a close.  Harry Lennix and Tahmoh Penikett have had a fight scene nearly as beautiful as it is brutal.  Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker are bringing a kind of magic to the screen that I wasn’t sure the show was capable of.    And the twist at the end… brilliant.

But will it sustain me?  Can the show sustain itself as is?  And on a studio that has shown a lack of confidence at every turn. That smell you’re sensing? Is the scent of  eminent success, or is it the chill of an approaching icebeg as the show sinks like the Titanic?   

Part of me wonders if the fight for the show is about how good Dollhouse is/ could be, or if this is some sort of subconscious retribution for Firefly’s untimely death.

As a Browncoat, I am not sure I’m ready to give up, but I do think that it will take a mircale to keep the show going.  And in the end, I might rather see what Joss would come up with given a fresh start at a different studio or network.  

At any rate, I will be purchasing Dollhouse when it comes to DVD this summer.

Tits for Tots

It seems these days it’s always a slow news day, because the media can’t seem to come up with actual news which is relevant to the lives of their viewers.  No, instead they prefer to inundate us with stories about a couple of rich morons from The Hills getting married.   

This week, there’s even more noise being made about Miss USA runner-up and current Ms. California, Carrie Prejean.  For those of you who have lives, you may have missed the “controversy” that occurred during the Q & A portion of the pageant.  One of the judges, Perez Hilton, noted internet critic, Britney Spears fan and homosexual asked Ms. Prejean for her thoughts on the right for gay people to get married.  After a brief pause, Prejean decided to give an honest answer instead of a bullshit one.  She said that while she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, she believed that marriage is between a man and a woman.  Her answer pretty much cost her the crown as she lost Perez Hilton’s vote.  Later, Hilton used his popular website as a forum to bash Prejean, calling her a litany of unnecessary names and claiming that had she won, he would have ripped the crown off of her head.

Personally, I think I would have been more inclined to watch the program, had this cat fight gone down.  My money is one the beauty queen.  Those bitches will cut you! 

The odd thing is that while I am well known (maybe “well known” is a little strong) for my many conservative views, in some ways I am socially liberal/ progressive.   I happen to support the idea of gay marriage.  As a registered republican, I feel that one of the biggest problems with the party is this need to legislate morality based on religious upbringing.  

The term ‘liberal’ refers to the liberal interpretation and application of the Constitution. By contrast, conservatives believe in the preservation of the Constitution as written.  So if, as the Bill of Rights says, all men are created equal, then why doesn’t that apply to gay people?   We’re not talking about getting married in a church.  We’re talking about the legal recognition of two lesbians on a beach wearing bed sheets and clit rings as wife and wifer.  When you exclude one group based on your own beliefs, you lose the argument.

That said, I have to applaud Prejean.  In this case, Perez Hilton is a little bitch who just needs to shut his mouth and move on.   The girl was asked a question.  She answered it.  Hilton got pissed because he didn’t get the uppity ‘We are the world’ answer he was looking for.   I have a rule.  Never ask questions you don’t want answers to.  In other words, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it.   In this case, Perez Hilton is the bad guy.  The bottom line is that this is a beauty pageant.   This girl isn’t protesting the right for gays to live.  She’s just trying to win a crown, get some money and maybe get a deal to show her tits on Playboy.   Calling her a “stupid bitch” doesn’t win your argument.    It makes you the problem, not the solution.  Ignorant words do not convince people.

And apparently the media can’t just leave it at that.  Heaven forbid.  Now the lefties are trying to stir up more trouble with Prejean.  Keith Olbemann of MSNBC (the guy that had that cunt Garofolo on) says Prejean used ‘performance enhancers.’  WOW.  Drugs?   Cherry flavored lip balm?  Ben-wa balls?  Nope.  He’s talking about her tits. 

Yes, really.  

Carrie Prejean got breast implants.  And that is apparently upsetting people.  I have no idea why.   It isn’t against the rules.  Many pageant contestants have them.  But apparently, fake titties are the steroids of the superficial Girl World.

I have to say, it really frosts my nuts that these people are trying to find fault with her.  Who cares if she has implants?  SHE DIDN’T EVEN WIN.   It is very clear to me that these people have some sort of personal agenda.  I mean, why would you even try to make a story out of that?  They’re vultures.  They need to exploit this girl, ruin her life and feast on her tender virg… erm, young… flesh.

All because she doesn’t believe in same-sex marriage.

People think that I’m paranoid when I say they’re trying to take away our right to free speech.  But here it is. It happens everyday.    One person speaks her mind and resists the pressure to put on the hideous spectacle of political correctness, and she gets black balled.  Doesn’t she have a right to an opinion? She isn’t hurting anyone.  She just has opinions.   But I guess thats the lesson we want to teach our children.  Don’t take chances.  Don’t be a decent hard-working person.  It won’t matter because they’re going to take it all from you.  Better to be quiet and still. Lie down and let them take what they want from you. Maybe they’ll let you live.

I salute you Carrie Prejean.  I salute you for your courage under fire and the grace you have shown since.  But mostly I salute you for your awesome rack.  Those are spectacular tits Madam.  I would vote for you.

All FLASH, No Substance

flash-rebirth-promo-02

Ever since writer Mark Waid redefined the Flash in the early 90s, the fastest man alive has been one of DC Comics’ strongest franchises.   But ever since the departure of Waid’s spiritual successor on the series, Geoff Johns, DC has consistently stumbled in the handling of the Scarlet Speedster.   First they got rid of Wally West, replacing him with his younger cousin, Kid Flash, aka Bart Allen; giving a confusing new status quo and an ill-equiped writer.  Shortly thereafter they killed off Bart and brought back Wally as part of the JLA/JSA crossover, The Lightning Saga; a story so confusing, convoluted and just plain horrendous that I can’t even explain what happened.  Even the return of Mark Waid ended up much ado about nothing and only lasted a few issues.

It seems the latest incarnation of the Flash may be it’s last chance race for glory.  Enter Silver Age Flash Bary Allen to the rescue! (oh, and Geoff Johns and Ethan Van Sciver)

Since the announcement of Flash Rebirth, I was certain that along with Johns’ other big story, Blackest Night, it would be one of the two biggest events of 2009.  After reading the first issue… I’m less sure.

There’s nothing technically wrong with Rebirth #1.  On the surface, all the makings of greatness are in place.  Van Sciver’s artwork is outstanding.  There are plenty of interesting developments including the return and deaths of a few Runners.  Johns’ characterization work is strong as usual.  So why is it all so… underwhelming?

I think the problem is the subject himself, Barry Allen.

When Johns and Van Sciver reinvigorated Hal Jordan with Green Lantern Rebirth, they redefined and redesigned the entire concept, expertly weaving through the complex continuity while adding depth and new dimensions to both the Lanterns and Jordan himself.  Ultimately they made you care that Jordan and the GL Corps were back rather than just giving you another typical hero reborn story.

Unfortunately, in this case, it seems as though Johns expects you to care simply because Barry is back.  You’re never truly given a reason why.   As the story’s title expresses, DC simply expects lighning to strike twice.  But Allen isn’t Hal Jordan.  He’s portrayed here as a kind of boring, whiny old man whose rigid beliefs seem almost anachronistic despite his claims that the world is finally catching up with him.    In the 20 years Allen was absent from comics, the argument for keeping him that way is that Barry Allen has always been more interesting as an unseen mentor and motivation for Wally West to be a better hero.   Lightning Strikes Twice seems to prove the point.   Not only is Barry kind of boring, but the story only seems to shine when he’s not there (which is a large portion of the issue).  Johns’ artificial attempts to add weight to Allen’s personality don’t quite work.   For instance, when the original Flash, Jay Garrick tells some of the younger heroes that “Barry Allen made me the Flash.”    Stargirl says what we’re all thinking.  “That doesn’t make any sense Jay.  You were the Flash decades before him.”    Garrick’s explanation makes even less sense than the original statement.

“Yeah well… he … uhhh… I was retired… and… he called me Mister… and we raced, sooooo… look my writer really digs the guy.  Give me a break, okay?” 

Another problem, albeit a minor one, is the way Allen is reintroduced as part of Final Crisis.  The fact is that Final Crisis was the biggest failure of an event comic in recent memory.  And bringing Barry back during the event was just another layer of unnecessary subplot that only served to complicate the story instead of adding to it.  Furthermore at the end of Final Crisis the entire multiverse is destroyed only to be brought back by Superman by a magic wishing machine (hey, I’m just reporting it, I didn’t write it).  Rebirth seems to take place shortly thereafter, and yet, the story begins with the entire world celebrating Barry’s return.  Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like a REALLY bad time to be throwing a party.

“We all just died!”  “Who cares?! Barry Allen is back!  WOOOOOO!”

“Who?”

I think one of the biggest problems is the question at the crux of the series.  Why is Barry back?  

One of DC’s biggest advantages over their competition is the sense of Legacy.  Heroes die, and are replaced.   Yet now we have dozens of Batmen, Wonder Women and even a planet full of Supermen and women.  Currently there are four men named Flash: Jay, Wally, Bart (also back from the dead recently) and Barry.   All it does is weaken the brand.  And in the end, it proves that Barry is only back because of the creative team’s fond childhood memories of him.  All the other three incarnations are far more interesting and at least two of them are faster.

I really hope that Johns pulls this off.  I love the idea of Rebirth.  I love Johns’ work.  But so far, he’s off to a slow start.