Posts Tagged ‘penis’

American Penis

You may or may not be aware of my desire to participate in the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland.  I was shocked to discover it’s existence less than a year ago from a girl I’d met online.   Honestly, if I’d had the money I would have gone to this year’s event.

My best friend was a little confused by this concept.   “Would you really do that?”

“YES.”  The words ran from my mouth almost before he could finish his.   There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I would be willing to disrobe in front of others.

“Why do you want to?”

“An overwhelming desire to show the world my genitals?”


“–nothing.”  Admittedly, I’m not in it to spread awareness of bike riders like the hippies out there.   I’m just trying to spread awareness about my cock.

In essence, it is like climbing a mountain to me.  You do it “Because it’s there.”   Because you can.  I mean, why not??   I’m not ashamed of my body.  It’s just nudity.   Sexuality doesn’t have to be scary.   It’s natural.   It is a natural thing for a human being to want to feel the wind and the sun on their naked skin.   To deny it is to deny ourselves.  –okay I made that part up.   But it’s true.

Cock Sock

Lets be honest.  It’s only a penis.  What’s so scary about that?  Its not as though I have the words “this machine kills pussy” tattooed on it.   It’s screwed up American Sexual Politics that govern our lives, spreading teen pregnancy and venereal diseases in it’s wake.    Maybe if we all got naked a little more often, we would be mentally, physically and emotionally better off.

“This machine kills sexual hang ups.”

“and fucks your mouth.”


I Shaved My Balls Today

My friend Josh used to date the most useless had this side of Michael Moore, named Melody.  

One day it came up in conversation– God knows how– that Melody helps him shave.  Like… everything.   Even his balls.    Which, I had to tell him, is more than a little gay.  Shaving one’s back I understand.  It’s unsightly.   Arms, legs and chest… that’s just womanly.  Shaving you butt? OH ABSOLUTELY! For some reason, no one ever bothered to mention to me as a boy that the hair on my head would eventually migrate to my ass.  And there’s nothing more disturbing than trying to wipe and getting rugburn on your wrists.  

But your bait and tackle?   Why? Would? Anyone?  “Dude, it makes your junk look bigger!”  He never explained how, exactly.  But it doesn’t matter.  Unless you’re a pornstar, there is absolutely no reason for your genitals to exit the forest and stand free in the desert.  “That is retarded.  I would NEVER do that!”   

But then one day you find yourself naked in the shower staring down the business end of a lady bic, thinking about how Larry, Curly and Moe need a trim… and you think to yourself “why not?”

Well, I’ll tell you why not.   First of all, it itches afterwards. Razor burn is not fun.  And nothing brings the police faster than shoving your hand down your pants to scratch on a public bus.   Secondly… it actually did make my junk look bigger.  That is, if he were referring to my pubic mound, which is apparently HUGE.  It looks like my penis bought a trampoline.

Also, I cut myself a couple of times.  …   uh huh.    You know, it’s a little embarrassing when you cut your face shaving.   But when you’re shaving your genitals and you start bleeding… thats just a whole new level of FUCKED UP.  There’s no recovering from that bit of retardation. 

 Beyond that, it isn’t sexy at all.  When I’m not aroused, I look like an 8 year old with elephantitis.   My penis just looks sad, naked and depressed.

There’s a lesson in all this.  I’m just not sure what it is.  All I know is, some people get tattoos or jump off bridges because all their friends are doing it… I’m the kind of prick that shaves his dick.