Posts Tagged ‘sex’

American Penis

You may or may not be aware of my desire to participate in the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland.  I was shocked to discover it’s existence less than a year ago from a girl I’d met online.   Honestly, if I’d had the money I would have gone to this year’s event.

My best friend was a little confused by this concept.   “Would you really do that?”

“YES.”  The words ran from my mouth almost before he could finish his.   There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I would be willing to disrobe in front of others.

“Why do you want to?”

“An overwhelming desire to show the world my genitals?”

“WHAT?”

“–nothing.”  Admittedly, I’m not in it to spread awareness of bike riders like the hippies out there.   I’m just trying to spread awareness about my cock.

In essence, it is like climbing a mountain to me.  You do it “Because it’s there.”   Because you can.  I mean, why not??   I’m not ashamed of my body.  It’s just nudity.   Sexuality doesn’t have to be scary.   It’s natural.   It is a natural thing for a human being to want to feel the wind and the sun on their naked skin.   To deny it is to deny ourselves.  –okay I made that part up.   But it’s true.

Cock Sock

Lets be honest.  It’s only a penis.  What’s so scary about that?  Its not as though I have the words “this machine kills pussy” tattooed on it.   It’s screwed up American Sexual Politics that govern our lives, spreading teen pregnancy and venereal diseases in it’s wake.    Maybe if we all got naked a little more often, we would be mentally, physically and emotionally better off.

“This machine kills sexual hang ups.”

“and fucks your mouth.”

Untenable Me

Stop.

Just, just stop.

Every word you speak. Every time you look in my direction. Even just hearing you say my name… I want you more.

I don’t know if its infatuation or crush or unmitigated passion and desire, but a part of me needs you. Foolishly, I don’t believe its the getting with you as much as the being with you that concerns me.

Proximity is the villain here. It’s not just that fucking intoxicating scent that you have. I can literally feel when you’re in the room. And just like that, BAM, I’m on edge. My nerves are on fire in all the best ways for all the wrong reasons. Madness. This is madness.

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You know don’t you? Are you that devious, or that naive?

Lust_by_Violator3Stolen glances across a room. My devoted attention, hanging on your every word as I stare into those gorgeous brown eyes. I focus on your lips, thinking about what it would be like to kiss them. Imagine taking you in my arms. Kissing you. Kissing you all over. And then you smile. YOU SMILE! And it’s everything I can do to keep from tearing every. last. stitch. from your skin and taking you there on the floor. I try to focus as you go on about your day, but in between each word, in the spaces between every breath, every heartbeat– I get these flashes of us. Of you whisperin my name in my ear. Of sweat and fingers and limbs and touching. Breaths of you and I in intense heat. Trysts. Sex. Love making. FUCK.  That’s what this is.  Lust.

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And there you go looking beautiful. Reminding me you’re taken when I just want to take you. Running circles in my mind. And I can’t breathe. It’s too warm in this room. This collar is too tight. I feel like I want to claw my own skin off.

lust-1

Just stop it.

Stop.

Enough of this.

Get Naked!!

In spite of my Roman Catholic upbringing, I do not subscribe to the theory that sex and sexuality are shameful.  Horseshit.   Nor do I believe the human body is something we should be ashamed of, though that’s something I struggle with just as much as anyone.  We shouldn’t be afraid of nudity.  It doesn’t make you vulnerable. It’s who you are.

Less than a year ago, a girl I know from Oregon informed me that she would be getting naked this June for the World Naked Bike Ride.   I was intrigued… at first because she was talking about herself naked, but later at the thought of the event.

Apparently the WNBR is this event that occurs in 70 locations throughout the globe.   It’s a bunch of hippies who shed their clothes and don bicycles to spread awarness about cyclist safety, energy consumption and  the size of their genitals.

I’m not reallydown with the message.  I don’t have a problem with hippies as long as they keep their political and –marajuanical– opinions to themselves. And yet I am bemused at the thought.  Naked fleshy apendages are bemusing.

I really wanted to do it this year, but circumstances would not permit.  But after hearing a first person account of the event, I am more driven than every to pop wheelies and woodies in Oregon next year.

“Do you really think you could get naked in front of all those people?”  a friend asked.   Absolutely.  It’s scary, but doable.   That said, I may try to get hold of some viagra or cialis beforehand.  Mine is not a “show-penis”.

It has, however, some of the qualities of a stunt penis.

You may ask why someone like me would do something like this.  It’s like sky diving without the whole “falling to your death” part.  It’s about facing your fears.   Once you’ve waved your penis (or flashed your ‘gyna) around a major American city going ten miles an hour, you’ve got bragging rights.

You get to say “I did this.”  Something only a handful of people have ever done.  Something very few people would ever do.

At the very least, I figure my odds of scoring with some drunk hippie chick are increased when we’re both naked and pulsing with adrenaline.

Naughty Vignettes

“This is crazy.”  he thought as his left shoe flew at the door, rebounding and shattering his lamp.

This is not the kind of guy he is.   Who takes a strange girl home after a couple drinks?  She could have a disease.  She could be a whore.  She could be his cousin.  She could even be a Democrat.  That succession of bad thoughts sent a chill up his spine that made him break the kiss.  It took about 3 seconds to dislodge her tongue from his throat.
This is crazy.  He’s not this guy.  This is not his cheap cologne.  This is not his 20 dollar silver Faux-lex.  This isn’t his crusty hair gel creating the perfect sleazy quaf that shines under a neon moon.   … And that is definitely not his hands cupping a cheeleader’s ass.
Larry.  This is Larry’s doing.   “She’s a bitch.” he said. “Always said you could do better.” he said. “Let’s get a few drinks.” he said.   “Gonna get you LAID.” he said. Larry’s pitch sounded fine.  His theories had merit.  And like most bad situations, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  But oh, then there are hotties with boyfriends and drunken mis-understandings and sloppy bathroom revenge screws that lead to massive bar brawls and getting thrown out and starting all over again at the bar up the street– oh my.
Her bra is on the floor. Her –BRA– is on the floor.   Yes.  Those are her breasts.
His pants come off so quick he nearly falls.   This is not his life.  Things like this don’t happen to boys who write poetry and play World of Warcraft.    Romantics don’t do one handed monkey flips to blondes named Denise… or is it Marisa?  Good boys don’t rebound from their slutty ex-girlfriends with a one night stand.
Ohhh. Wonder how long it would take to get her tongue out of there?
“This should stop.” he thinks.  “This should… definitely… stop.  In a minute or two.”  As his head hangs upside down off the couch, he considers putting those brakes on before he makes a mistake … for the second time in an hour.  But then he remembers that crooked little smirk.  Of all the bars in all the world, Lisa had to walk into his.  By the way she carried on, you would think she’d followed him just to rub the other men in his face.  It wasn’t enough that she broke his heart, she wouldn’t stop until it lay beating in her hand.
He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.   And then came the whiskey. Just a shot. And then another.  And another.  And the next thing he knew he was on the bar with his shirt unbuttoned singing Paradise City while Denise here (or is it Cherise?) gave out swoons previously only reserved for Elvis Presley and Henry Kissinger.
And then suddenly there’s naughty language and forshadowing.  And sloppy makeouts.  Nudity.   The occasional violated stuffed animal.  And of course, one handed monkey flips.
Maybe he is this guy.  Just maybe.  At least for tonight.  And then twice more tomorrow morning.
…  JACKIE!  Her name is Jackie!  It’s tattooed on her butt.

Desperately Seeking Something

It’s a lonely world out there.  Everybody needs somebody sometime.  That’s what the American Express jingle claims anyway.  So being single, I decided to try my hand at the Craigslist personals.  Here’s some of my more interesting findings.

SWF looking for SWPM to give me a grand-slam wedgie-fo-real, just like my older brother used to do before he was killed in Iraq. I’ve got tons of brand new cotton undies, and I want you to use them to sling me across the room into my dresser and hang me from the doorknob. Tear off the elastic and gag me with it. If you do it right I’ll be your mommy, your sister and your cock whisperer.  Please be financially stable, without a drug or drinking problem. Also be between the ages of 26-30. No shorties, no smokers and no car salesmen.  I’m super pumped! 

Here’s the thing, if you’re looking for someone to give you erotic wedgies like your dead older brother used to give you, asking that this person not be an alcoholic is just asking too much.  Furthermore, after ripping the elastic of your panties in the atomic wedgie to end all atomic wedgies, I would prefer you not pretend to be my mother or any of my relatives.  And I have no idea what a cock whisperer is, but it sounds like someone who has conversations with chickens.  On the other hand, the car salesman ban shows that she has a good head on her shoulders.  So, maybe.

I can bring out the best in you. I will train you how to kiss, touch, talk and treat a woman. I will build up your self confidence and tell you what needs improvement.  About me: I am attractive, young,smart, trustworth and discreet.  Email me for more information.

Can you train me how to put up with high maintenance women clearly suffering from Jan Brady Syndrome?  I think the only thing I would learn from dating this chick is that I’m actually okay with hitting women under the right circumstances.

where’s that guy with the glass slipper? 🙂 – 35

Ok, he’s late…way! late! 
so I thought I’d give him some help! 
I don’t care how old you are & neither should you. 
If you are an “old soul” but chronologically challenged (“legal”, though) – 
I still will want to know you… 
If you are “young at heart” but long in the tooth…
okay, if I don’t have to ride to dinner on your electric wheelchair… 
If hygeine is a new word for you…ummm, bye… 
I want you to be literate…if that is a new word for you…
best wishes… 
If you smoke…I like breathing… 
If you’re married…
be good to her! 
(and get off this site!!!!) 
I want to laugh til our sides hurt at funny movies, wear costumes, sail, dance, sing! 
Life is Good, let’s be Good In It Together! 
Seriously, what’s with the poetic form?  She’s looking for an alcoholic who likes Steel Magnolias, not the goddamn Cat in the Hat. I suspect this lady watches Oprah religiously and owns a lot of cats, each of which adorns it’s own handmade t-shirt which she wears daily.   I’m thinking Harry Potter bed sheets and the Sex and the City complete box set.  One  day she’ll kill herself like Sylvia Plath and the land lord will discover her body a month later, half eaten by the cats.
I got flagged last time and I don’t know why?! Anyways, Is wanting a good man to much to ask for? I didn’t think so. I’m a bbw seeking a man to maybe start a relationship with. I’m not the typical girl that needs to know every little detail about your day and won’t rest until I know everything. I just want someone around to spend time with and have fun with and still have my independance. I’m easy going and like to laugh so I would hope that you have a good sence of humor as well.  Tattooed and pierced guys are always a plus but I am open for anything. So if this sounds good then email me and we can set something up! Send a pic and I will send one back to you. Can’t wait to hear from you! 
Most of this is pretty straight forward.  She’s a big black woman looking for a guy who cheats on her and doesn’t want to get caught.  Right on.  Two red flags though. One, she got banned and feels the need to tell you right off the bat. So what did she get banned for?   Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that her only caveat is that the man be tattooed and pierced.   Frak that, I saw Flava of Love.  This can only end with someone getting their gold tooth knocked out.

I am a Butterfly looking to taste the nectar of life – 26 (LA New Orleans)

Old fashioned romantic? Intelligent and sweet? Secure both emotionally and financially? 27-38 years old?  Looking for something real and eventually serious? I would love to hear from you.  Your pic gets mine. Talk to you soon. 🙂 
I’ve seen this entry a bunch of time, each with a different heading.  That makes me think it’s either a bot or someone with short term memory loss.  Also… the nectar of life?  seriously?

Now Accepting Applications for a Weekend Boyfriend… – 25 (New Orleans, LA)

Hey, I’m a hot asian broad. I want a hot weekend boyfriend. Basically, I want a guy to hangout with on the weekends… and by the weekend, I just mean Saturdays. I don’t want any contact during the week to avoid all the drama and stupidity that comes with a relationship.
I love how she is so strictly business about this.  I’m a chick, I want your dick, time is money, taste my honey.  …  I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, it just worked out that way…. I’ve still got time.  (Sorry)   Also, I have never heard a woman call herself a broad before.   Anyway, either she has six other guys “hanging out” one day a week, or her husband works on Saturday.  
But on the other hand, she is a hot Asian, so I may have to investigate further.

Sick of theThe Run Around…………With fake chicks? – 33 (Nola)

Hummmm………..I think we have all experienced this at some point in our life some more than others!!!!Sorry to say you won’t have that experience here and you won’t be redirected to a some link with fake girls!!!!!  About me single female searching for a laid back cute male!!Race is not important!!just be mentally stable….and nice!   

 
   
Clearly this girl was absent the day they taught the meanings and uses of punctuation.  

Despite her subtley I have determined that she really hates fake chicks and seems to believe that every woman who is not her is a whore.  They’re all fake chicks, with fake tits, and fake names, living on an island called Fake-topia where they fake men’s brains out.  (Mental note: google map Fake-topia.)

But what really what bothers me here is the picture.  Why is she showing us a bush in a driveway?  Maybe it’s the entrance to Fake-topia.

Honesty is always the best policy…right? – 29 (Uptown)

 

So, I’ve posted here before…if I sound familiar, it’s possible that I am. 🙂 Craigslist has helped me meet some interesting people, but no one that stuck, you know what I mean? And that’s what I’m looking for, someone who sticks.  Here are some fun facts about me and what I’m looking for:  1. I want to be with someone long term. I don’t expect to be your girlfriend right away, and just because I say I’m interested in you doesn’t mean I want to marry you in the next year or bear your children sooner. I’m as nervous to get into a commited relationship as you! It’s scary, I get it. But I’m willing to see if it works, you know?  2. I’m doing pretty well on my own. I have a new car, a house, a good job. I’m not helpless, although, believe you me, it’s super nice to have someone around to help with things like what color should I paint this room, or oh no, the cat’s sick, can you take her to the vet for me?  3. As far as looks go, I’ve dated all kinds. Fat, skinny, white, black, ugly, cute. What’s most important to me is that you accept me for who I am, and that we have stuff in common. Like, I like to go out, but I generally prefer to stay in or do low-key things. If you would put “likes to party” on you list of likes, we’re probably not soulmates. I like reading, especially home improvement mags, going for walks to check out the beauty of this city, and driving around just for the heck of it.  4. As far as my looks go, I’m cute. I have a nice smile…I smile with my eyes. 🙂 I could stand to lose some weight. I’ve always been curvy/slightly chubby. After the storm, I’m a little more so. Still cute though.  5. Okay, this is something I haven’t put in an ad before, but I’m going to here cause I hate the “talk” that has to occur if I don’t. I have herpes and hpv. Apparently, the hpv will most likely go away at some point. Herpes doesn’t. Currently, I don’t take medicine for it, and if I did, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t get it. It’s sucky, but not the end of the world. Not that this should matter, but I know how people think…I got it from the first man I was ever with. He, unfortunately for me, didn’t believe in the title of my ad.  So, that’s just a little part of me. I’ve got stuff to do on a Sunday, so I won’t get into more detail quite yet. I have pics that I’d love to share with you, but you know, don’t need them up here for the world to see quite yet. 
What have we learned today children?  That’s right honestly is clearly not the best policy in some cases.  Jesus, I just finished reading her want ad and I’m already sick of her mouth.   Also?  While it’s admirable that she wants guys to know before things get serious, having multiple STDs is something you should really break to a guy subtley.  But that’s okay.

Frankly, she lost me at “I smile with my eyes.”  WHAT????!  What kind of a mutant freak are you??  Every  time I went in for a kiss I’d be scared to death your mutant eyes would fucking eat me!
That’s all for this week’s edition of Fun with Craigslist.

Riding Dirty

“You wouldn’t wanna date a girl with an over-sized clit?”

“No; “cause the next step up is a guy with an under-sized dick.”

-Dante and Randall in Clerks 2

I have a bit of a reputation within my circle of friends.  Though I am by far the least experienced among them in quatity, I am by far the freakiest freak nasty fuck they know.  I’m willing to do things they haven’t even seen on TV.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m romantic.  Soft sweet kisses at night. Spooning.  Anal lube.   All good stuff.  But when it comes to sex, I like it down and dirty.

I’m fucked up, I know.  Maybe it’s all the porn that has desensetized me.  I once freaked out a friend by admitting I would be willing to let a girl stick her finger in my ass.  Why not?  If it feels good, it must be worth a try.

And that’s only the beginning,

Choking.  Down with it.  Leather and lace.  Oh yeah.   Handcuffs.  Fuck. Yeah.  Spanking, biting, stroking, sucking, flicking, fucking.  That’s how I like it.   I want a woman who likes it rough and gives as good as she gets.  I want to marry a girl who will throw me against a wall and rape me.  I want to wake up on my birthday with her riding my face like a Shetland Pony.

And positions!!!!   If I can bend that way, I’ll try it at least once.  The wheelbarrow.   The screwdriver. Reverse Cowgirl.  Donkey Fucking.  The Alabama Crab Dangler.  The Cincinatti Titty Grabber. The Pennsylvania Pussy Pounder.  The Tree of Pain.  The Reverse Figure 8.  Bring it on!!!

Sigh.  I just want someone I can love and be my nasty, dirty self with. Is that so much to ask?

Resume`

A first date isn’t two people having a good time.  It’s two people trying to be two completely different people while measuring whether they like each other.  The man spends the night trying to get into the woman’s pants, meanwhile the woman spends the night trying to figure out how to tell him he’s NOT getting into her pants.  It’s all a big waste of time.  And even dating itself is a waste.   It’s really just a waiting game where you’re trying to get them to like you enough to they won’t freak out when you show them who you REALLY are.   The guy who wears his Scooby Doo under-roos  on more than one day if the skid mark is less than 3 inches long.  The girl whose not-quite-ex-husband rides with the Hell’s Angels and just got out of a stint in San Quentin. The dude who takes his brother-in-law’s Mercedes to pick up chicks, and then picks you up in an 83 Tercel with floorboard holes bigger than Fred Flintstone’s. The chick who basically makes out with her Chihuahua, regardless of how recently he licked his own asshole.  (And you never find out until AFTER you’ve given her a good night kiss!)

These are DEAL BREAKERS.   But unless you’re Batman, there’s no way you’re going to know this before you go out with them.  And what’s worse, that’s not even counting all the things that could go wrong sexually in a relationship!  That’s why I think we should be forced to carry around a sexual resume`.   That’s right, a resume’. You need one to get a job at Kinko’s.  Why shouldn’t you need one to go out with someone who may or may not give you herpes?  That case of VD is going to last a hell of a lot longer than the 5.25 an hour you get at Kinko’s.    I mean, even for casual sex, you should know things.  Like to tie unsuspecting men up and then fuck them with a strap on.   Refers to women as “vaginas on a stick.”   Allows her cats on the bed during intercourse.   Thinks the “whole fist in mouth” trick is even funnier in your vagina.  Learned about men by watching Sex and the City. Has a blow up doll with your sister’s picture taped to it.
These are things we need to know!  And if he or she lies on their resume’, you get to keep the house and the dog.
So how might one of these resume’s look?
Bigby Wolf
Location:  *clap clap clap clap* DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!
Phone:  469-373-7326  (don’t bother calling, it spells INY-ERD-REAM)
e-mail: longdongsilver@yeahrightwhatever.com
Girl History:
~Loree Vaughn;  2nd Grade-  showed her my bits for a nickel and a pack of Juicy Fruit, did not appreciate irony.
~Joey Niceiza;  7th Grade-  First kiss, let me touch her boob.
~Meredith Whedon;  8th Grade-  First girlfriend, went down on her and my braces got caught in her pubes– she beat me up and then dumped me.
~Marina Straczynski; 11th Grade- Lost virginity, first steady girlfriend, tried to stimulate clitoris with ice cubes— DID NOT WORK.
~Misty Fraction;  Senior Prom- Anal Sex (on her)
~De’Anne (name never fully dislosed)-  Freshman year-  Got drunk at Sorority party, had sex in bathroom, got the Clap (fixed it the next week)
~Gina Robinson; Sophomore year-  Bondage, Domination, Phone Sex
~Sue Ellen Ennis; Semester at Sea-  Outdoor sex, Toys, Anal Sex (on me)
~Nicole Brubaker;  Live in Girlfriend- Sado-masochism, Auto-erotic Asphyxiation, Proposed and turned down, Took my dog and gave me Syphillis.
Strengths/ Skills:
Cooking, light mechanical and plumbing ability, types 75 words per minute, sexually aggressive,  well-mannered, well-dressed, no history of abuse, puts out on the first date ; )
Education:
High-school, some college
Ambitions:
Photography, maybe a teaching degree.
Issues:
Momma’s boy, moderate jealousy, Star Trek Aficionado, alcoholic, leaves clothes on floor, tendency to use lines like “Nothing says lovin’ like my cock in your oven.”, hairy butt, receding hair-line, cries during intercourse, Syphilis.
References:
Chris “Cougar Killer” Smith
Josh “Tapeworm” Green
Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington
James “The Mormon” Scott
(All can be reached at Donny Vito’s Pizza and Dinner Theatre Palace on 9th and Broadway)